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PTSD and blocking most events out

O

oncebitten

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Joined
Feb 19, 2021
Messages
75
Location
Florida
I am of course new here and I thought maybe talking or rather typing and reading things that others are going through similar to me would help... I have PTSD and BPD due to a horrific childhood abuse in every form of the word. I am 41 now and have made some really bad mistakes due to me trying to "punish" myself as my dr said because it is what I know. So a little back story is I am married with children and have a wonderful spouse. However after we had a child something really changed me and I decided to cheat and cheat more than once and when I did I became someone I am not in real life. My spouse has kept me around and even helped me through a few hospitalizations. I am past that part where I feel the need to cheat and become anything other than me but I am really bothered by how I block EVERYTHING out. I don't remember most of my childhood nor a lot of the years while I was cheating. It's like I can remember somethings like they were yesterday but I literally feel like a black hole when it comes to a lot. I feel lost sometimes when my spouse brings up the past because I can easily forget about it BECAUSE I really don't remember it. They however do and sometimes it builds up and it unleashes (which I do not stop because everyone needs to be able to get things out) I get super emotional of course because of the way I made them feel and what I have done to them but I also get so mad at myself when I get asked questions or get asked if I even remember because they do not think I block things out they think I just don't want to talk about it. Honestly in reality I wouldn't enjoy talking about it but I would prefer to be able to. I get HORRIBLE flash backs from my childhood but when I try to remember things its like I am trying to remember what happened to someone else. I feel alone in this and just need some kind of hope that I am not the only one dealing with something like this... Does anyone else have any problems like this and if so how have you been able to live with it? Any insight might be nice
 
J

JeanPierre

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Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
2,091
Location
Southern USA
That sounds terrible.
I hope therapy is helping everyone in the family.
Welcome here!
 
kimidare

kimidare

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 2, 2021
Messages
175
Location
France
Hi

I did that before : forget almost everything from my past.

I had a abusive relationship for 9 months when I was 16 years old.

During 1 year after the end of this relationship, I felt very bad, but I didn t remember why exactly.
Then, after one year, my ex tried to contact me and I suddenly remebered everything. The rapes etc. It was worse.

Some things happened, flashbacks, insomnia, therapy (emdr method).

Then I began to bury my memories volontarly. Each time I remembered a little, I didn t try to remember more, because I had just the feeling that it was dangerous/hurting.
Sometimes I was disorented because of the big holes in my memories due to that. It was disturbing.

There was some triggers when I remembered a lot and felt very bad again, but I forgot again after a weeks or so.

Finally, 10 years later (I m 26 now), I m trying to stop burrying my memories. To overcome them instead of running away.
I didn t do the usual "forget everything mode" after my last trigger.

I wrote a lot on my phone about what happened, to exteriorize. And I m currently searching a therapist specialized in trauma.

I can relate when you say it s like that happened to someone's else, in an other life.

I think it s a normal process of traumatic events. It s a way to protect yourself.
 
O

oncebitten

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 19, 2021
Messages
75
Location
Florida
Hi

I did that before : forget almost everything from my past.

I had a abusive relationship for 9 months when I was 16 years old.

During 1 year after the end of this relationship, I felt very bad, but I didn t remember why exactly.
Then, after one year, my ex tried to contact me and I suddenly remebered everything. The rapes etc. It was worse.

Some things happened, flashbacks, insomnia, therapy (emdr method).

Then I began to bury my memories volontarly. Each time I remembered a little, I didn t try to remember more, because I had just the feeling that it was dangerous/hurting.
Sometimes I was disorented because of the big holes in my memories due to that. It was disturbing.

There was some triggers when I remembered a lot and felt very bad again, but I forgot again after a weeks or so.

Finally, 10 years later (I m 26 now), I m trying to stop burrying my memories. To overcome them instead of running away.
I didn t do the usual "forget everything mode" after my last trigger.

I wrote a lot on my phone about what happened, to exteriorize. And I m currently searching a therapist specialized in trauma.

I can relate when you say it s like that happened to someone's else, in an other life.

I think it s a normal process of traumatic events. It s a way to protect yourself.
My therapist has suggestion EMDR but I haven't found the courage to do it I am afraid in a sense...
 
kimidare

kimidare

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 2, 2021
Messages
175
Location
France
It s just my own experience, but Emdr helped me a lot. I didn t have strong flashbacks after.

You already remember sometimes with flahbacks, so you can t totally avoid it.
I think it s better to remember in a safe place with a therapist who can help you relax, than alone.

Do you know how emdr works ?

The therapist make a regular movement from left to right and you must follow his moving fingers with your eyes.

Apparently this eyes movement is something that we naturally do when sleeping to process events of the day.

But in case of traumatic events, the brain didn t work properly and missed this step.
 
O

oncebitten

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 19, 2021
Messages
75
Location
Florida
Yeah I know about it I am going to do it just probably when things get more open so I can go into the office to do it...
 
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