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Psychosis and hearing voices

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Crystal89

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Aug 10, 2020
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21
Location
Winchester
Hey everyone, I am grateful to be a part of this forum and looking for some comfort and reassurance from others experiences during this time of total crisis in my life.

Last summer I had a huge psychotic break down whilst travelling in California and I ended up in jail over there because I walked away from two police officers whilst they were trying to talk to me, and I was in my psychosis, channelling these other entities none stop, talking to myself, so they arrested me and put me in jail. Once in jail I was not competent to be released for four and a half months. It was hell on earth in there. The whole time I was hearing these other entities/voices speaking through me, whilst they put me through the most ridiculous "initiations" all day and all night. Some of it was really funny and some of it was the most terrifying experience ever. The voices were telling me that my soul was Jesus and Isis, and that my mission was to stop the world from ending. And that I was coming into a spiritual union with a man in my life, who they said was Thoth. A lot of the psychosis was about us coming into union. This was all a total delusion. My hair became completely dreaded as the voices told me not to comb it and just to let it become dreads. By the time the officers gave me a comb it was too late anyway. Luckily the hairdresser managed to fix it once I came home. I experienced huge amounts of energy moving in different ways throughout my body throughout this, and everything I said or did seemed completely channelled, as if I was not in control at all. I said the most ridiculous things to all the officers and in court. It was as if these other entities had complete control over everything I did. They gave me court ordered medication that the first couple of times was very forcefully administered to me.

Then I came back to England and went through a long four months of completely suicidal depression, barely able to leave my bed. I then came out of this depression into a second full blown manic episode, where again the voices were telling me I was Jesus and Isis, putting me through crazy initiations, and making me do and say ridiculous things. I would walk through supermarkets singing and dancing, and be roaming the streets in the middle of the night. At the hight of this manic episode my Mother called the mental health professionals and they had me admitted to hospital for two months. Again some of this experience was a lot of fun and some of it was hell on earth.

Now I'm back home again and facing the same deep and suicidal depression. Feeling like I just cant go on living, and still hearing the voices speaking to me all the time, with nothing of any use to say. So often they tell me I am in an initiation. Sometimes they tell me that I will come through this. Sometimes they tell me they are just there to torture me for life. Its a total living hell.

I would appreciate any words of advice or similar experiences that others may have had. Im totally desperate, and feel I have nothing more to live for. Thanks for reading.
 
EdEd

EdEd

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Dec 21, 2019
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What do you believe the voices are? Everyone has some type of theory. :cool:
 
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Crystal89

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Aug 10, 2020
Messages
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Location
Winchester
I dont know really, they seem so completely independent from my own consciousness. They call themselves the Arcturians. But I dont know if I believe thats what they are. They also say that they are just consciousness initiating consciousness. Its so hard to believe that its just my own mind doing all this to me. Do you have your own voices?
 
EdEd

EdEd

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They leave me alone for the most part these days.. we have an understanding.. I was just curious of your ideas and theories so I could get a better grasp of what you percieve is happening to you..
 
EdEd

EdEd

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How long have you heard voices for?
 
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Daringdan

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May 8, 2020
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146
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Louisville, Ky
I have been hospitalized several times for paranoid delusions so I know a similar struggle. I usually try to ride out the hard times. My faith and family help me get through a lot. I have been told that I could get better in the next phase of my life, like maybe around 40 years old or so.
I hope you get some relief and remission from those symptoms.
 
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Crystal89

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Aug 10, 2020
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Location
Winchester
I'm sorry to hear that Daringdan. Thanks for sharing. Do you find you have big depressive spells after your psychosis?
 
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Daringdan

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May 8, 2020
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146
Location
Louisville, Ky
I'm sorry to hear that Daringdan. Thanks for sharing. Do you find you have big depressive spells after your psychosis?
During and after, I tend to shut down during psychosis because I don't trust anyone or anything including myself. I do get depressed often and keep to myself but today is actually a decent day, not doing too bad. There are a lot of ups and downs with this kinda life, eh?
 
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Crystal89

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Joined
Aug 10, 2020
Messages
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Location
Winchester
During and after, I tend to shut down during psychosis because I don't trust anyone or anything including myself. I do get depressed often and keep to myself but today is actually a decent day, not doing too bad. There are a lot of ups and downs with this kinda life, eh?
Glad to hear you are having a good day. It feels like good days are gone for good for me right now :low:
 
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dirigible

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Feb 21, 2019
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Crystal89, If you don't mind me asking, what part of California were you traveling in when you acquired your psychosis?
 
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Crystal89

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Winchester
I was in LA for a couple of days and then in Sonoma county for a while, which is where the police found me and took me to jail. I was in the Santa Rosa jail.
 
manicmonday

manicmonday

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Apr 6, 2020
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Bucks
I had a similar experience to you and was hospitalised for three months at the beginning of this year. I thought I was Loki and that my kid was Jesus, and I had a voice in my head that made me do and say ridiculous things and sing and dance. All I can suggest is to speak to the doctor about changing your medication to try and get the psychosis under control so you can move forward.
 
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Crystal89

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Joined
Aug 10, 2020
Messages
21
Location
Winchester
Thank you for sharing. It’s good to know I’m not alone in this kind of experience. I’m not in a psychosis now and have been out of it for a few months now. I’m on medication for it and the voices seem to have stopped now. What do you think the voices are coming from?
 
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