Psychological Generalizations of PTSD

[Unsustainable_High]

Before freaking out in class and finding myself completely unable to go back, I bought the books and when the love of my life started insisting that I need to learn more about my "illness" I turned to a college psychology book to be told that people like me generally have low IQ's.

I took that as a bit of a personal insult.

I question it. My IQ looks very good on paper but then, how do I manage to severely injure myself as if it were a perfectly normal thing to do? Why can't I use some of that "Genius Level" nonsense to devise a way to keep my life or even my God-sent relationship, together? Am I wrong in thinking that it takes a certain level of idiocy to screw up anything that was ever good in your life?

Off topic, but does anyone else suffer from chronic physical pain and how do you fix that? Is there a drug out there, because this is positively ridiculous? Every bit of it has a source that I, with my "gifted" level of comprehension, remember every last bit of where each aspect came from. It isn't very nice to me. No, it's actually extremely upsetting. Is it more normal for a torture victim to want their captors dead or to want them to come back to finish you off?

 

[iffybob]

Hi, me again

(oopsy, I read your other post just before this an it has bled through onto here , I can live with it .... boB)

I am pritty smart, I do some real stupid stuff.

There is and never could be an IQ cut in or off for PTSD, so the book's an ass.

If sombody is not hurting me or abusing me, I can do it and save them the effort.

I think the part of PTSD is living with it, the 'I should have died', ' why arnt I dead', 'being dead would be easyer to live with than this ?'.

Once that switch in your head is flipped there is no going back, we all go forward, good or bad, it is still forward, but our perceptions have changed, they are no longer as others are, so we no longer see as they see, do not see the same signs or if we do we read them differntly, and there for make differnt choices. We dont fit in.

What we have to do is learn to get by, yes I could do that, I could do this, but for what purpose, cos its fun, for me, but those around dont get it, they do not understand me, I cant explain it, it just is.
I can argue with myself and others all day this stuff..... they are never going to get it ....... more importantly , they never should.

So you can do these things, the choice you have to make is between 'cos I can' and 'cos I should', there is no reason to cut 'yourself', but I still do when it gets to much, not doing it the rest of the time is an act of 'will', 'cos I should NOT', it takes much practice, and you have to want to change that behavyour, 'cos you can', that will that allows you to do these things can be used to allow you to stop, it is a diverting of the same strenth.

As for wanting thoses that cause you the pain or death, yes I want those that caused my pain dead, I want to be the one to do it, I do not want the concequences of being locked away for the rest of my life. I have yet to reconcile these facts, until I do I will do nothing but give it the occational thought and get on with my life the best I can.

Constant emotional stress can cause pain, head ache, joint and muscle pain, these cure is to get past it, and try and keep you mind in a better place, although there may be other causes from ODs from meds and poisons that can cause damage, not only to the liver and kidneys, but also to other parts of the body, these would have to be investigated by a doctor.

Ok enough for one post ......... see's ya later ........ boB.........

 

[Unsustainable_High]

It would help if I understood why they didn't finish me. They had every opportunity to do so and it would have been more humane.

I do make adorable redhead. Burgundy. That is my new drug. If I weren't gorgeous, I wouldn't be anything.

I wish they'd finished me. Being alive has been nothing but trouble since then. I don't cut myself. I'm classier and less emo than that. I prefer being in the way of large, falling objects, including but not limited to large pots of boiling water and the tiles from the elevator ceiling. That last one was just luck.

Of course, overdosing is very nice, too. If one Paxil can numb you, can you imagine what the entire bottle can do? That is a thrill.

 

[iffybob]

Empty bottles

So you finished the bottle, it does not help in the long run, eventaulay nothing does and you have to face the damp reality that tommorow will be there, and what are you going to do then.....?

After you take all the drugs you want , and they ware off, and you come down, your own life is what remains, figure out where you want it to go, and walk ( in my case stumble ) towards that, taking good steps when you can, and survive the rest.

They chances are you are never going to get the answer , and there prob isnt even one, except they got bord, or they left you to live with the pain of memory after the physical pain had healed.

You would prob get further trying to figure out what gravity is........

I have spent over 20 years like this, I am no nearer an answer, so the question is do you want to do the same....... ?

 

[Unsustainable_High]

No. I want to be free of all of this nonsense. I can't keep living like this.

I am in love and being in love, for me, is like being in love with a pencil eraser. The more you use them, the more you need them, the more you wear them away.

Roger is a saint. I find emotional stability and a steady composure to be the biggest turn on. He was perfectly stable when I met him. Now, he wakes up at least three times every night. He shakes a bit during the day. He is almost always tired. That's what I do to people. I destroy everything I touch and someday, my sweet little child won't be little anymore and I'll do the same thing to him. That's just how it works.

 

[iffybob]

Choices

So you have to make choices........ and stick by them.

I am at the moment giving up smoking, I love ciggys, I like the buzz the taste, they are for me........

..... I also have lung desease, if I smoke I have to stop evey 50 meters walking, I cannot run at all, if I get too breathless my breathing goes into convultions....... get it.

So I am stopping smoking, every time I want a ciggy, its not this time, and every time, its not this time, one time at a time.

I feel bad for not having the ciggy, I do feel distressed, in the long run I will not, the sum total is better than the short term FIX I get. That is the pay off.

and that is the way it works, you dont do the things you can 'reason' to be bad, this time.

 

[Unsustainable_High]

That's entirely the problem. There is no "reasoning" behind it.

It is always an impulsive split-second decision. There is no should or should not. There is no process to it.

Roger holds my hand whenever we're anywhere near a busy street. My best friend told him of my tendency to step out into traffic. There is no thought process. There is no decision. All within half a second, I acknowledge the vehicle, I like the way it looks and for some reason, I want to be in front of it.

I don't think. That is by far my biggest problem.

 

[iffybob]

Dissassosiation - The flip side

Many PTSD's have dissasosiation, or to put it another way we live in a differnt world..... where normal rules, behavyours, feelings and the like do not hold the same bounds........

So use it, you are not walking down a street with cars and traffic, you are walking down a wooded track, the lamposts are trees the trafic is the noise of the wind through the brush, and there are no cars. All you have to do is watch your footing on the ground and avoid walking into peple coming toward you, nothing else exists.

When you have to cross, use the same rules the kids are tought, look both ways listern, and when it is safe to do so cross, use a crossing if there is one near by.

When I am out alone, I ALWAYS have an MP3 player on, it blocks the noise from my mind and the noise of the outside world. It realy does help.

The idea is to find ways of looking at the world in make belive, so it not possible for it to be a danger, there for there is no point in trying to hurt yourself with it, having done the things you have said, whats the point it did not work last time.

I have tried to OD on pills, it did not work all the times I tried, so I dont any more, I have fooled my self into beliving it does not work, I still keep them away from me, in a box under other boxes, so I have time to snap out of my thinking if I do 'just do it'.

So for traffic, walk only on the far side from the curb, to get to traffic you have to go all the way accross the sidewalk(? we call it a pavement) to get to the traffic, that is 5 seconds of think time.

Get the idea.........

 

[Unsustainable_High]

Why am I living like this while they're off scott free and probably in some other warehouse doing the same thing to some other person?

I hate overdosing. I have a fear of vomit and I hate the after effects but every time, its seemed like a good idea as I was doing it. My arm is bleeding as I type this. I have no idea how that happened or even when it happened. That is why its so challenging to give it up. I never even realize that I'm doing it.

I doubt five seconds would even be enough for me to realize what I'm doing, but I will try that. Its like a trance. I see it and suddenly it is the only thing in the forefront of my mind.

 

[iffybob]

Rules

I get it, the first you know is when you think, where is the blood comming from, and then having to look around you body to find the wound, cos even though you know you are bleeding you can not feel the wound, looking for the damp patch on your clothing, or the glisern or discoloration on your cloths.... sound right....?

1. keep your nails trimmed , they should be about 1mm long, every day, and buffed , so no sharp edges, no chance of accident there.

2. Sharp objects have a place, away from sight, in draws cuboard boxes, you use them, clean them put them out of sight, any thing around the house is either moved or seen to, padded, replaced, repaired whatever it take, ie child proof your home so a 3 year old could walk around unattened and come to no harm.

3. Dont allow the trance, when you are out alone, the mp3 player, listern to the tracks, follow the music, watch the birds...... distractions that occupy your mind.....

At home the same thing, music TV, not silence, watch the rain on the window, listern to the wind, I have objects that sparkle all over, they give me a second of distraction form my mind, a diversion of thought.

As for the people that harmed you, have you been to the authorities, reported it. Doing stuff on your own would be foolish, and you have to have a future for your child....... he needs his dad..... and I think you need him.

 

[Unsustainable_High]

Of course, you wouldn't know my love affair with my nails. They are such a part of me that I cannot even fathom my life without them. My fingertips seldom need to touch anything, especially keyboards. They give that extra tidbit of reach when I'm playing piano, though I haven't played in quite a long time. They give that extra edge when I don't particularly feel like fighting someone or something, I just claw them. They make my life a lot easier. They are a very deep-rooted part of me.

They are one of very few parts of myself that I have left.

They've always been there. They've always been sharp. They were the first thing to really come back to me after my incident. I took months, just mixing supplements to rub into the nail beds and filing the edges until they were straight enough to grow out. The first time I filed the ends to razors after the incident was fantastic. It was like reclaiming something they'd stolen from me and thus far, my nails and my physical health are the only things I've gotten back. Freedom still doesn't seem to exist in my life.

My nails are truly fantastic. They look perfectly normal, they are perfectly smooth, perpetually painted. No one would ever suspect that they can do as much damage as they do. They don't look at all unusual and they actually have naturally-shaped ends.

I can't pad and protect my house or I will feel extremely handicapped and there is no dumber and more humiliating feeling than that. That's why I left Maxie's ("father") I was constantly watched and protected. My internet was edited. I couldn't live like that. I can't feel special I can't stand feeling like some kind of special ed kid. I want to be normal, not completely censored.

Reporting them to the authorities would have destroyed me. They have enough on me. I wasn't completely innocent in the matter. The hospital actually did file some kind of report about it and the investigation just seemed to fade away since I wasn't saying anything to help it. They would destroy me if they were caught. They could, easily.

 

[iffybob]

I play

I play guitar, that means the nails on my left hand are short to press down on the strings, and the ones on my right hand are longer and filed to points for picking the strings.

But I know, I get that mood that feeling, the want, and at the first instant of me using the nails on my right hand to press into my self , and see the marks, I cut them and file them down, because I know if I dont what comes next, blood.
My blood, and I will not even notice till its done.

I think it is good that you play an instrument, you should perhaps spend more time on it, I know when I fade in and out, and have the guitar in my hands and they are occupied that I have fewer 'incidents', I also know, that if I have it in my hands before, and after a fade out, that all I have been doing is sat playing it and dont have to think what else I have been doing

Reporting them to the authorities would have destroyed me. They have enough on me. I wasn't completely innocent in the matter. The hospital actually did file some kind of report about it and the investigation just seemed to fade away since I wasn't saying anything to help it. They would destroy me if they were caught. They could, easily

Here I will tred lightly, what I say is only a suggestion, you realy have the right to dismiss or requect anything I say.

Some time we all do bad things, and others who do worse things know what we have done.
There can be a point where we have to pay for the bad things we have done, so that those who are worse can be stopped.

That is all I will say on that matter.....

I do hope you can some help here........ boB.......

 

[Unsustainable_High]

The nails are more than just tools, they're a part of me and a very big one at that.They're worth the pain. I make sacrifices for the things I love.

Roger is going to be awake in about a half an hour and I still haven't decided what to make for breakfast. The child is still asleep. I'd love to just leave my five year-old in charge of the menu but we'd be eating waffles every meal, every day.

I always spend too much time thinking about stupid, little things. That gives me less time to think about the horrifying, big ones. When I think about it, Roger may actually sleep in a bit today, seeing as we were up quite late, talking. I feel like a toddler, but I've taken to waking up at seven and taking long naps in the middle of the day.

As to the legal aspects, I'm not quite sure of which charges would be worse and prison is not something I could bear. That is another form of torture, entirely.

 

[iffybob]

Choice

The nails are more than just tools, they're a part of me and a very big one at that.They're worth the pain. I make sacrifices for the things I love.

What about in the short term, until you stop using them habitualy for the harm they can do.

As for breakfast your on your own, I am still stuck on toast with either eggs or marmalade, and have been for 2 hours...........

 

[Unsustainable_High]

When you've lost as much of yourself as I have, you tend to hang onto everything you have left. Without them, I don't exist.

My love disappoints me. He woke up, changed and took off with nothing but a banana, insisting that he needs to go shopping before his daughter wakes up. Now, I still have a teenager and a five year-old to feed and I still haven't made up my mind. I'm not making waffles.

Pancakes are far easier but I'm not entirely sure we have enough of any reasonable egg substitute to make them and the teenager in question refuses to try anything that contains tofu, which leaves me at a loss. I'm beginning to think my son can live with cereal and seeing as the princess doesn't wake up until at least noon (its currently 8:29), she doesn't really need breakfast, anyway.