promiscuity. anyone else have sex issues?

L

linzibaker

Member
Joined
Oct 16, 2008
Messages
11
Location
southampton
#1
Hiya all,
I haven't posted on here before, just on the introductions forum.

I just needed to talk to be honest, i have a few issues that i dont seem to be getting through, I find it really hard to have a meaningfull relationship. Ive been going through this for years, and i just dont know what to do anymore.

I went out on friday night, now this doesn't happen much anymore as i have a young son from a brief relationship. he is nearly 2. so, anyway, i went out on a work do on friday night. got really drunk and went home with someone that i work with, this is the second time its happened with him now in about 3 months. the thing is, i know he doesn't like me in a relationship kinda way, cos hes tiold me. But i do these things and it makes me feel awfull afterwards. i feel worthless and it puts me in a down spiral for weeks after its happened.

The stupid thing is, when i find someone that does like me for who i am exactly as i am, i find myself sabotaging these relationships by doing summit stupid like cheating on them, or i'll finish it for no reason.

I just dont know what to do anymore, ive slept with over 100 men, and im only 24. im a slut. and i hate being this person.

Any advice appreciated.:eek:
 
emski

emski

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 15, 2008
Messages
1,151
Location
North West
#2
Hi Linzi,

Don't worry you are not alone. I would not class you as a slut. I would say what you are doing is self sabotage. I think you are suffering from low self esteem. The attention of a man in the form of a one night stands makes you feel attractive at the time - it gives you a boost that someone is interested. But then of course you feel terrible afterwards because he has told you he is not interested in a relationship but is obviously content to use you for what he can get - this knocks your self-esteem lower. When you meet someone relationship worthy you sabotage this relationship as a form of punishment to yourself because you feel worthless (you have allowed the men you have had casual affairs with to make you feel worthless) - another classic sign of low self esteem.

I say all this because I have been in exactly the same position myself in the past - I couldn't esteem myself - I needed a man to do it. Furthermore, I had increased sexual drive when suffering from an acute manic episode, but at that time, it didn't bother me one bit that the men weren't interested, because I was using them.

You need to find ways to esteem yourself and love yourself in order to see your self as lovable and worthy by others, and you need to examine why you are self sabotaging when it comes to relationships with men that love you as you are, i.e. is it due to historical abandonment issues, or fear of commitment.

There are also talking therapies available for confidence and self-esteem, though not sure if there is a waiting list for this. There will also be lots of ideas on line, or maybe try a self help book.

Anyway :welcome: to the forum and :hug:
 
L

linzibaker

Member
Joined
Oct 16, 2008
Messages
11
Location
southampton
#3
thanks alot for your reply,

I never thought of it as low self esteem, i just thought i had some other issue to be honest. But i cant keep going on like this, im thinking i might have to talk to my doctor or someone similar to try and get some sort of help for it.
 
L

linzibaker

Member
Joined
Oct 16, 2008
Messages
11
Location
southampton
#5
Hiya!

Yes i suppose you could say i do, i obsess over them, it sounds silly to say it out loud. I obsess and eventually i forget about them. but it takes a while, and sometime i have to be told that they dont like me in order for me to leave them alone.

Thankyou:mad:
 
emski

emski

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 15, 2008
Messages
1,151
Location
North West
#6
It could be some other issue, possibly something to do with your past. I blame my self sabotage in relationships on my Dad leaving, but of course I cannot use this excuse forever - I have to try and accept that, and learn to love myself more and find reasons to esteem myself rather than rely on others for it.

Also, depression and self-esteem go hand in hand - have you had or are currently experiencing problems with depression?

:hug:
 
L

linzibaker

Member
Joined
Oct 16, 2008
Messages
11
Location
southampton
#8
Yes i have been on anti-depressants for about the last 2 years, this is mostly for postnatal depression, though i was diagnosed before i got pregnant, i just refused medication as i didn't want to get 'hooked' on them as such.

I take 40mg of citalopram in the morning and then 50mg of amatryptaline in the evening to help with sleep. (i am a bit of an insomniac) I feel much better than i did when i first went on them. its just the whole sex thing. i guess i never thought it might have something to do with my depression.

Your thoughts have given me alot to think about. so thankyou very much for them!
 
emski

emski

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 15, 2008
Messages
1,151
Location
North West
#9
Yes, libido can often have a lot to do with depression - usually decreased libido however in depression, and increased libido in mania.

However, if you are suffering with low self-esteem this can have the effect you described. I only say that because I know from my own experience because I have let men use me and not want to get into relationships, and I have also pushed decent and genuine relationships away. All because of low self esteem and, self-punishment and abandonment issues.

If you trust your doctor it might be a good idea to talk to them about it and see if you can get some kind of talking therapy that concentrates on building confidence and self-esteem, if you want to do that sort of thing of course.
 
I

indie_cindy

Member
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
8
Location
Essex, UK
#10
Hi Linzi, just wanted to say that you are not alone. Reading your post was like reading about my life. I have slept with a lot of men and hate myself for it. And like you, i cant hold down a normal relationship. I usually sabotage it in some way and then they split up with me. And then i found myself wanting to get back into the relationship (even when i know they are not right for me) just cos i hate the rejection. So i reject the guy and then when they reject me i fall to pieces. I also get obsessed and it takes me ages to let go. I have bpd and apparently this is classic bpd behaviour. I feel like i am never going to have a normal relationship.

By the way, you are not a slut. Nobody should be judged on how many people they have slept with. Its a personal choice, and as someoen else said on here, it is probably because you lack self esteem and feel you deserve to be used in this way. Looking back on my one-night stands, i know that a lot of it was because i hated myelf and felt like i deserved to be treated like a piece of meat. But please dont see yourself as a slut. That's something that society seems to portray - women who sleep around are sluts but if men do it is ok and seen as 'macho'. Thats totally not the case. Dont blame yourself for decisions you have made. Just recognise that you deserve to be treated with respect.
 
S

saffron

Guest
#11
Hi Linzi
No you are not a slut but seem to have low opinion and self sabotaging as mentioned before
.
It is a hard cycle to get through, but one thing that will help immensly is not get pissed, as this will make you more horney and cloud your judgement. You will seem much more available and willing and men will see that and think great this will be easy. the fact you hate what you do afterwards clearly says to me that you do not go out on the pull and probably not do these things whilst sober? I could be wrong.

You could look for help in boosting your self confidence and esteem and also your assertiveness.
heres a good site: http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/assertiveness/how-to-be-more-assertive.html

Try going clubbing without a drink and see what happens, it can be quite an eye opener sometimes. and you might find you are treated with much more respect, as you deserve.

Not being able to form relationships could be cause by many factors, it seems like you have fear of intimacy, and again as mentioned self sabotage it. For reasons that you alone will need to find and come to terms with. it normally has a lot to do with certain childhood traumas.

You are certainly not the only one going through this, I have been myself, and although I do not have one night stands anymore or quick flings I have still not learnt to stop sabotaging potentially great relationships, all in good time though. I will say one thing though I feel a lot better now I do not let men take advantage of me.

Take care Hun
S
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
#12
I very much tried to wreck everyone that told me that they loved me, the ones that didnt say that they loved me I wanted more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Something told me to stay with my present oh, I certainly didnt love him at first it took me years to fall in love with him but honestly he is my soulmate I could never of known that.( for the once the voices were right)

Three weeks ago my head was in such a mess I had to ask him to wipe all the demons/devils out of my mind take them all away and he did how often do you find someone who could do that for you, someone you could even tell someone that kind of information in even in a secure relationship.

 
L

linzibaker

Member
Joined
Oct 16, 2008
Messages
11
Location
southampton
#13
thankyou so much everyone, your repleis have been very helpfull and have made me realise alot.

I do have low self esteem, i really dont think much of myself at all. but i cannot carry on as i am, its destroying my life, and more importantly, my sons.

i am gradually getting there, ive been referred to see a councellor and im hoping that it will help alot. But i realise that it will be mostly up to me to sort myself out!

Thankyou everyone. :)
 
ms_P

ms_P

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jul 21, 2008
Messages
3,069
Location
BeNeLux
#15
I know that the popular belief is that Borderline's are supposed to or want to sleep with anything that breathes, well it's bullshit if you ask me.
I've only ever done it and yes a million times because it was wanted and expected of me.
Personally, I hate sex. I truly do.
I'd rather have a good conversation.
 
L

linzibaker

Member
Joined
Oct 16, 2008
Messages
11
Location
southampton
#16
ok, well thanks for your reply, I didn't actually say that i sleep with people because im borderline, It has been suggested to me that maybe i could be, but thats due to my other symptoms too. I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist next month, and we'll see how it goes from there.

I have worked out, that i have very low self esteem, Obviously i want the sex to happen, Or i wouldn't do it, But I find myself feeling like shite afterwards, which obviously isnt good for the whole self esteem issue.,

I am working on getting better, i need to for my little boy. And i need to concentrate on bringing him up to the best of my ability. :)
 
ms_P

ms_P

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jul 21, 2008
Messages
3,069
Location
BeNeLux
#17
ok, well thanks for your reply, I didn't actually say that i sleep with people because im borderline, It has been suggested to me that maybe i could be, but thats due to my other symptoms too. I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist next month, and we'll see how it goes from there.

I have worked out, that i have very low self esteem, Obviously i want the sex to happen, Or i wouldn't do it, But I find myself feeling like shite afterwards, which obviously isnt good for the whole self esteem issue.,

I am working on getting better, i need to for my little boy. And i need to concentrate on bringing him up to the best of my ability. :)
I'm sorry if you misunderstood me. I'm diagnosed borderline et al. I wasn't implying you are or that anyone who is would have my experiences.
Take care. :)
 
L

linzibaker

Member
Joined
Oct 16, 2008
Messages
11
Location
southampton
#18
lol, sorry, im having one of those days, I think im taking everything the wrong way today!! hehe.
 

Similar threads