Promiscuity, alcohol, anyone else?

C

Cleopatra_

Active member
Joined
Nov 24, 2018
Messages
39
Location
Ireland
#1
Hi there everyone. I hope you're all as well as can be.

Well I managed to really mess up this time at my sister's wedding on Saturday. I've been so anxious about it for months as I struggle with social anxiety and agoraphobia. Anyway I ended up getting black out drunk and going back to someone else's room. We didn't sleep together but other things happened and my partner was at the wedding with me. I have totally humiliated and disrespected her and I hate myself so much. I'm on my last chance with her. I'm terrified I'll do something like that again and I also feel like a toxic person and like my friends and family really would be better off without me. She was frantic when I disappeared that I'd hurt myself and honestly it would be better for her if I had. Has anyone been in this position before? This isn't my first time messing up. I've decided to give up drinking because it makes my behaviour so much worse. I'm Irish and it was an Irish wedding so many people were very drunk but not everyone goes off with someone else like I do.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
861
#2
If you can commit to a life without alcohol it sounds like it will help you better manage your impulses. It would also signal a reason for your partner to trust you again. You will have to work hard on acknowledging what you did, listen to her feelings, and make her believe in you again. Dropping booze will help.

I’m one to talk, I use it as a panacea for anxiety, but I am not currently in a relationship.
 
C

Cleopatra_

Active member
Joined
Nov 24, 2018
Messages
39
Location
Ireland
#3
I'm hoping I can commit to life without alcohol. I'm worried I might slip up sometimes but I'll try my best. There's a strong drinking culture in Ireland so it won't be easy for me to avoid but I'm 30 years old and alcohol has been leading me to poor decisions for 16 years and I can't keep doing this. I don't even drink that often but when I do I never know how the night will go, I might go home after a few or I might get myself in trouble.

I think my partner would trust me a lot more if I wasn't drinking as she knows the chances of me doing something impulsive are greatly reduced.

I feel awful about what I did to her and I fully accept responsibility for it and I am continuing to try to make amends. I just don't know if I believe in myself so I don't know how to make her believe in me.

I hope you don't mind me asking but have you struggled with infidelity due to alcohol when you have been in relationships?

Thank you so much for getting back to me Girl_interrupted.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
861
#4
I dated a series of serious drunks. Each of them cheated on me while drunk and it eroded my self esteem so much that there was nothing left of me when the relationship ended. I always thought that maybe if I loved them enough they would change.

Years later I came to understand that I chose these types of partners because it kept intimacy at arms length. That my focus on their healing prevented us from looking at how superficial our relationship really was.

I abuse alcohol when I cannot deal with mounting anxiety. I’m not one to talk. And your experience is not the chronic daily thing I experienced with my exes.

But I do know that when I drink I go into a massive depressive mood for days afterwards. And that binging is part of bpd.

If you can live without it, it sounds like your life would be so much more better. You have a partner you love, who loves you. That’s more than most of us can claim.

Be strong. Xo
 
Flameheart (was BPDevil)

Flameheart (was BPDevil)

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Joined
Nov 7, 2018
Messages
1,066
Location
Afar
#5
If you can commit to a life without alcohol it sounds like it will help you better manage your impulses. It would also signal a reason for your partner to trust you again. You will have to work hard on acknowledging what you did, listen to her feelings, and make her believe in you again. Dropping booze will help.

I’m one to talk, I use it as a panacea for anxiety, but I am not currently in a relationship.
i hardly ever drink or really started on alcohol because of this

i know many with bpd struggle with it and i get addicted to things easily

people think im boring for it but oh well
 
C

CrazyExBoyfriend

Member
Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
8
Location
London
#6
Hi there everyone. I hope you're all as well as can be.

Well I managed to really mess up this time at my sister's wedding on Saturday. I've been so anxious about it for months as I struggle with social anxiety and agoraphobia. Anyway I ended up getting black out drunk and going back to someone else's room. We didn't sleep together but other things happened and my partner was at the wedding with me. I have totally humiliated and disrespected her and I hate myself so much. I'm on my last chance with her. I'm terrified I'll do something like that again and I also feel like a toxic person and like my friends and family really would be better off without me. She was frantic when I disappeared that I'd hurt myself and honestly it would be better for her if I had. Has anyone been in this position before? This isn't my first time messing up. I've decided to give up drinking because it makes my behaviour so much worse. I'm Irish and it was an Irish wedding so many people were very drunk but not everyone goes off with someone else like I do.
This is really familiar to me (as in, I’ve done this).

Can I ask why you drink so much in those situations? I’m not judging- I do too. Is it to combat the anxiety and agoraphobia or something else?

I drink to numb the anxiety & to soften the difficult emotions that can come up when I’m around other people, but often go too far. People can get affectionate when drinking & that’s dangerous for me because when i feel that need for contact & validation... well, you know.

If you know your triggers then maybe you can put something in place (like an agreement with a friend to take your cash/card and only let you have so much) to prevent this kind of thing.

It’s so hard though.
 
L

Lauriemarie1983

Member
Joined
May 9, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Cardiff
#7
Hi I've been in a similar situation with my husband, my mental health has taken a dive sine losing my mum a few years ago and I've had a bouts of drinking too.much and doing stupid stuff. Very ashamed of myself but when I'm drunk something just takes over, haven't got much advice sorry but hope you can sort things out xx
 
K

Keesha

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2019
Messages
114
Location
Canada
#8
I
i hardly ever drink or really started on alcohol because of this

i know many with bpd struggle with it and i get addicted to things easily

people think im boring for it but oh well
Ditto. I tend to find I can get addicted to things easily so try and stay away from everything
 
Squirrels make me smile

Squirrels make me smile

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Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Bournemouth
#9
Best advice I can give is give up the drink. I stopped drinking alcohol a year ago and I'm a much better person for it. I would say I was a binge drinker alcoholic. It feels good at the time but the come down for me was unbearable. I would literally just think about killing myself for up to 5 days after!!
 
T

Tomorrows a new day

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Joined
May 2, 2019
Messages
155
Location
England
#10
Hi there everyone. I hope you're all as well as can be.

Well I managed to really mess up this time at my sister's wedding on Saturday. I've been so anxious about it for months as I struggle with social anxiety and agoraphobia. Anyway I ended up getting black out drunk and going back to someone else's room. We didn't sleep together but other things happened and my partner was at the wedding with me. I have totally humiliated and disrespected her and I hate myself so much. I'm on my last chance with her. I'm terrified I'll do something like that again and I also feel like a toxic person and like my friends and family really would be better off without me. She was frantic when I disappeared that I'd hurt myself and honestly it would be better for her if I had. Has anyone been in this position before? This isn't my first time messing up. I've decided to give up drinking because it makes my behaviour so much worse. I'm Irish and it was an Irish wedding so many people were very drunk but not everyone goes off with someone else like I do.
Ok, why do you suffer with social anxiety? what issues have you had in the past?
 
Squirrels make me smile

Squirrels make me smile

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Joined
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Messages
16
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Bournemouth
#11
Ok, why do you suffer with social anxiety? what issues have you had in the past?
Think it stems from being bullied in secondary school. I had to leave at 15 for my own safety. My fear of rejection has got so bad I just can't talk to people anymore and I get paranoid that people are watching me all the time and laughing. I used to be the most confident person in the room, the life and soul of the party. I'm now scared of my own shadow. I'm a complete mess if truth be told. The last time I spoke to a doctor they said from previous attempts it looks unlikely meds wouldn't help very much. Translation: They are expensive so just deal with it.
I come across as very calm and stable, but on the inside I'm scared and screaming.
I'm forever writing lists for shopping and important dates etc, it's about time I did a goal list and aim high.
 
T

Tomorrows a new day

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Joined
May 2, 2019
Messages
155
Location
England
#12
Think it stems from being bullied in secondary school. I had to leave at 15 for my own safety. My fear of rejection has got so bad I just can't talk to people anymore and I get paranoid that people are watching me all the time and laughing. I used to be the most confident person in the room, the life and soul of the party. I'm now scared of my own shadow. I'm a complete mess if truth be told. The last time I spoke to a doctor they said from previous attempts it looks unlikely meds wouldn't help very much. Translation: They are expensive so just deal with it.
I come across as very calm and stable, but on the inside I'm scared and screaming.
I'm forever writing lists for shopping and important dates etc, it's about time I did a goal list and aim high.
Ok, have you talked about this to a therapist? things have got out of control as they often do, fear is a very powerful emotion and if it's not kept under control it can rule you. I would have another go with meds, you may have to try a few before you get one that suits you, if you have tried SSRI's in the past and they haven't worked try SNRI's
 
Squirrels make me smile

Squirrels make me smile

Member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Bournemouth
#13
Ok, have you talked about this to a therapist? things have got out of control as they often do, fear is a very powerful emotion and if it's not kept under control it can rule you. I would have another go with meds, you may have to try a few before you get one that suits you, if you have tried SSRI's in the past and they haven't worked try SNRI's
What are ssri's, I'll phone doctors on Monday and make a appointment. I have enquired a couple of times about Therapy but no one ever got back to me. The mental health services here are absolutely rubbish. I'm scared one day I'll just snap and hurt myself or others, saying that in this house it wouldn't be a great loss to society. I'm such a ray of sunshine lol hope you are having a nice weekend? Thanks for chatting to me.
 
S

Sula

Member
Joined
Jun 12, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Glasgow, Scotland
#14
I'm hoping I can commit to life without alcohol. I'm worried I might slip up sometimes but I'll try my best. There's a strong drinking culture in Ireland so it won't be easy for me to avoid but I'm 30 years old and alcohol has been leading me to poor decisions for 16 years and I can't keep doing this. I don't even drink that often but when I do I never know how the night will go, I might go home after a few or I might get myself in trouble.

I think my partner would trust me a lot more if I wasn't drinking as she knows the chances of me doing something impulsive are greatly reduced.

I feel awful about what I did to her and I fully accept responsibility for it and I am continuing to try to make amends. I just don't know if I believe in myself so I don't know how to make her believe in me.

I hope you don't mind me asking but have you struggled with infidelity due to alcohol when you have been in relationships?

Thank you so much for getting back to me Girl_interrupted.
I hope you have been able to move forward, believe me it can be done. I'm not having a great time right now but that is to do with Bipolar episode. I have binged for years and years and 99% of people in my life would not have thought there was a problem but I engaged in really risky, outlandish behaviour on many ocassions. I caused alot of hurt. I also would shake the guilt off after a few days and do it again at some point. When I eventually got diagnosed as Bipolar it was in the wake of a lot of relationship problems very many came to a head after alcohol use. When I look back at my families relationship with drink, its all v clear. I live in Scotland in a massive drinking culture also, but my Dad had a binge drink problem and also probably had big MH issues, also others. What I mean is please seek help now because it only gets worse. The hurts become worse and you run out of excuses. I stopped completly, it wasnt hard because I knew I would not survive more guilt after binge antics. I started again 6 weeks ago, every so often, then built upto a massive binge which triggered a major episode. I have to accept no more drink. If I say to people I'm on medication they don't ask and there are some really nice non alco beers, ciders. Its very hard to do it unless you really don't want a drink. Good luck, you will move past these incidents, you can do it.
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
362
Location
Norfolk
#15
Hi there everyone. I hope you're all as well as can be.

Well I managed to really mess up this time at my sister's wedding on Saturday. I've been so anxious about it for months as I struggle with social anxiety and agoraphobia. Anyway I ended up getting black out drunk and going back to someone else's room. We didn't sleep together but other things happened and my partner was at the wedding with me. I have totally humiliated and disrespected her and I hate myself so much. I'm on my last chance with her. I'm terrified I'll do something like that again and I also feel like a toxic person and like my friends and family really would be better off without me. She was frantic when I disappeared that I'd hurt myself and honestly it would be better for her if I had. Has anyone been in this position before? This isn't my first time messing up. I've decided to give up drinking because it makes my behaviour so much worse. I'm Irish and it was an Irish wedding so many people were very drunk but not everyone goes off with someone else like I do.
Okay. I have been in your position and it’s obviously not nice for anyone involved. Firstly, be very careful of promising to change as unless you can change your mindset it’s unlikely you will as alcohol is a very common coping mechanism to handle your fear of social engagements. I suggest you look at some of my previous posts as I have successfully recovered from Social Phobia and have outlined the steps I took. Getting professional help is important but in my experience you would be offered a maximum of six CBT sessions which is nowhere near enough. I would highly recommend you self help by getting a book called Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness by Gillian Butler. It will teach you how to reduce your fear of social events which in turn will mean you no longer require coping mechanisms such as alcohol to reduce your perceived fear.
 
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