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Procrastination City

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whyamihere

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2009
Messages
19
ok, so my guy is depressed... i get that. however, its been one thing after another with him, as to he not getting a job. he's gone fishing "three days in a row" now, and is he looking for work... hmm, nope. why? why is he not looking for work. yes, he's depressed, but how long do i have to live alone for, and be alone, and does getting better mean he shouldn't be working? who's in the wrong here, am i bad for being po'd that i go to work everyday, and that i pay for sh*t everytime we need money, and that i want a family, me,my kids and this guy. is he ready, or not.... not being physical with me for months, says its depression... i know he watched p*rn quite a bit and wonder if he still does, as he still continues to lie about things like that, i think. i don't know... should i stay or should i go... i love him, but maybe i'm not strong enough for this depression thing? help!!
 
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Dollit

Guest
Only you can decide whether to stay or go. But yes depression does affect the physical side of relationships and sometimes the meds make that worse. And yes he may be able to go fishing 3 days in a row but not feel able to go out to work. Fishing is pretty much stress free.

And show me a man who's never watched porn and I'll show you a man in the minority.

I've been through all this and I walked.
 
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whyamihere

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2009
Messages
19
thanks

i'm wondering if maybe he's still watching p*rn and just doesn't want me to know about it, and maybe he's gotten so obsessed that he doesn't even need the real thing. Not being a man, I don't understand how you can't get erect in front of a girl you're completely in love with, that you're super hot for, and also can't get a job so the two could move in. i just feel like there's something missing here???:unsure:
 
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Dollit

Guest
You're confusing sexual desire in normal circumstances with sexual desire whilst having an illness. If he had a physical illness and lost his libido as a consequence then you wouldn't question it. Depression doesn't just affect the mind if affects the body. Your partners mind needs to recover so physical things go to the wall. That's why someone with depression has no energy - the mind takes it all to look after itself.

Perhaps you should read a book on depression or ask someone in the medical profession about it. It may give you a little more understanding.

I get the feeling that you're taking him having depression personally.
 
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anastasia

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 26, 2009
Messages
90
i'm on the other end of this right now.

i don't want it. i just want to be left alone. and he wants it all the time. every time i go for a cuddle he's hard. i dont know what to do. part of me thinks "god if i just do it he'll go away".

i'd like you to read this. i found it on the net earlier and have printed it off for my hubby. perhaps it might help you too.

10 tips for staying sane

"

If you're involved with someone who's depressed, you've probably seen quite a few lists (including some that I've written) that tell you how to be supportive of your partner. And yes, these are a great idea, as the person who is depressed is in hell, plain and simple. However, you have to think about yourself too. Having a partner who's depressed can be frustrating and lonely. The person you look to for emotional support is, to a great extent, not there anymore.



I've been in two relationships with a partner who's depressed. In one case, the guy denied he was depressed. The other man admitted he was depressed but refused to get help. I ended up walking away from both relationships. It was apparent that nothing was going to change, and I had to move on. If you are in a better position, with someone who is open to treatment, you may decide to give the situation some time. In the meantime, you have to protect your own mental health. Here are some suggestions to help keep your partner's depression from becoming your own.



1. Don't take your partner's behavior personally, and don't take it to heart. If you're partner's rejecting you emotionally or sexually, or withdrawing, it's not due to something you've done or not done. Being depressed is almost like being possessed. The depression is the one in the driver's seat, and when you're depressed, sad and angry, you tend to lash out at those people who love you. On the other hand, if your partner is saying or doing hurtful things, you have a right to insist that that behavior stop. You don't need to be a punching bag.



2. Educate yourself about depression - its causes, the different types, the symptoms, and of course its treatment. If this is the first time that either of you have had to deal with depression up close, this is really important. And it's up to you, as the person who still has got it together, to do the research.



3. Be realistic about how much you can help your partner. You cannot cure the depression. You can't buy something, say something or do something that will make the depression go away. You can be supportive and understanding, which will be greatly appreciated at some point in the future when your partner recovers. But other than getting your partner to a doctor, there's nothing that you can do to make this go away.



4. Ask for help from family and friends. If your partner was physically ill, you probably wouldn't hesitate to ask - and people wouldn't hesitate to offer. When my husband had shoulder surgery, I got offers of help from family, friends and co-workers. But when your partner's depressed, it may not occur to others (unless they've been in your shoes) that the situation is similar; that you are likely taking on a greater share of the chores and childcare.



5. You're your partner's caregiver, especially if he or she is profoundly depressed. Caregivers need time off. You need to get away from the situation occasionally and do something just for yourself.

6. Keep in mind that depression is "contagious." That may sound silly, but it's very common for family members of someone with depression to develop it themselves. Keep an eye out for any signs of depression in you or other family members, and hotfoot it to a doctor if it becomes apparent that treatment is called for.



7. Find a therapist - for you. Your partner should definitely be in therapy, and you might want to go to couples counseling jointly, but you need someone objective who is also on your side. The therapist can help you develop coping strategies, and also help you determine the answer to the question in the next tip.



8. Decide what your "line in the sand" is. Are you staying with your partner no matter what? What if your partner refuses to get help? Bear in mind that this decision is for you alone. Using it as a threat or ultimatum with the depressed person ("If you don't get treatment I'm leaving") is not necessarily going to do anything.



9. Take care of yourself physically. You need to eat well and exercise to get rid of stress.



10. Read one of the books listed below. They contain practical strategies for maintaining your relationship and your sanity when you're involved with someone who's depressed."
 
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whyamihere

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2009
Messages
19
yes, i am...

i am taking it personally. i've dated this person for four years. doesn't want to work, had sex issues to begin with but we surpassed all that - i thought. then two years into the relationship he gets really hammered and high, lost his job and all went to hell from there. he's talked of suicide and has been in and out of rehab, and hospitals for nights of binge drinking to the point of getting out of control with me, his mom, his friends, etc. i know he has issues, so i've tried to be there for him. he finally went to a therapist and sees him twice a week. in the meantime, he's taking meds, smoking lots of pot. also, he started drinking o'douls, then went to beer, then some hard liquor - but never with me, only with friends. he doesn't become a jerk like he used to, but i see him heading down the wrong path again. i also see he has no sexual desire, for months now, which i thought it was me at first, and he swares its him. i'm so dizzy from all of this and not sure if i can stick it out, but want to... only if he does in fact get a job. people with depression should still be able to work "somewhat", right? instead of looking for jobs, he's hanging out with his drinking buddy, fishing today. yesterday, he left me on Easter for goodness sake, to go fishing, and then said we could hang out later. wow, there's just too much going on. meanwhile, i have my sh*t together and wonder when does this all end, or begin?
 
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anastasia

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 26, 2009
Messages
90
i realise it's hard not to take his issues personally and i've said this before but perhaps the 2 of you are better off apart right now?

It sounds like he has dependancy issues as well as mental health problems which he really needs to kick in to touch before he can be in the committed relatiosnhip that you obviously want.

no business of mine to ask but, how old are you both?
 
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Dollit

Guest
people with depression should still be able to work "somewhat", right - not everybody and not when it's severe at all.

It seems like you've actually already made your mind up about this. You're talking of a relationship that you don't like but you're sticking at if for what reason?

And yes you are taking it personally but I don't suppose for a moment he thought he would go out and get depressed just to piss you off.

If you're that angry with him and about him have you talked to him?
 
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whyamihere

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2009
Messages
19
age difference

he's 29 and i'm going on 35. our age difference never seemed to be a problem, so i will not blame anything that's gone wrong on that. i have wanted to leave the relationship at times, but he always talks me into staying, and says i should be sticking by him... i have been. but what about my needs? he's too sick to even care about mine, mentally or physically? i love him as i've already said, but not getting what i need in this relationship. i just started to accept his depression, as in "not working", no s*x, everything being about him, etc. and sure, he helps me with things, so that's nice. i feel like we're on friend level, as i've told him that, and he said we are way more and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. hmm, like this... everything is his way... is that even acceptable to some people? i guess my question is how much further must i bend for this person, as i'm bent to the max? do i just say f*ck my needs as his are more important right now... honestly, is that what i do here? i want to be with him, and he wants to be with me.... how do we get through this together, without me ripping his or my own hair out? i guess my biggest fear is sticking it out and then him finally getting well and leaves me sit, like he already sometimes does. he's gotten better at being more open, honest and reliable though. so that's good. then my other fear is what if i don't stick it out and then he gets back to the way he used to be, which we were perfect for each other then, ugh!!!
 
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Dollit

Guest
If he sees your relationship as friends and you want more then all I can say is that I had a long relationship like that and I left in the end because everything was more important than me.

When I split up with this a guy a friend said to me that once something goes in a relationship it's like trying to put a genie back into a bottle.

I can't decide for you, I can see how frustrated you are but you are saying quite loudly that you're not happy and that he runs the show. :hug:
 
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whyamihere

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2009
Messages
19
misunderstood....

HE is the one who wants more than friendship and wants to keep this going, and I've tried to end it on several occasions but he puts into my brain that I'm his life and that its going to get better. So here I still sit... better for who? All for him. Yes, I'm frustrated, but trying to not be, just hard. and i do believe we COULD be back to where we were with him getting the help he needs. the question is "how much do i take"??
 
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Dollit

Guest
Only you can decide when you've crossed the line. I know that I tried for 3 years to split up with someone when I realised that all he wanted me for was extended care for his mother. He made me feel plain and that no man would ever want me. Neither is exactly true. I just knew on new years eve that things were never going to get better and that I couldn't spend the rest of my life with him as he wanted me to. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make and painful beyond belief but I'm glad I did it. I have a much better life, no permanent man in my life but I don't need a permanent one to fulfill my needs.
 
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jamesdean

Guest
HE is the one who wants more than friendship and wants to keep this going, and I've tried to end it on several occasions but he puts into my brain that I'm his life and that its going to get better. So here I still sit... better for who? All for him. Yes, I'm frustrated, but trying to not be, just hard. and i do believe we COULD be back to where we were with him getting the help he needs. the question is "how much do i take"??
Its so plain to see that you need to get the f**k out has quick has poss for your own sanity.

I suffer really bad with depression but I dont take it out on my bf, in fact my sex drive is so the other way sky high n its just has difficult dealing with this but I dont demand my bf to be doing it with me all the time.

Life is about balance, you can learn life skills even with depression, it sounds has if your paryner is selfish he just awnts you around to sayisfy his needs .

I would say see you dont want to be you.
 
dib4uk

dib4uk

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2009
Messages
2,182
Location
south london,england
Wow this sounds really complicated- and im exhausted just reading it all!!!

Firstly, to answer your question about depression and work- this is an individual response, and its also a personal disability. I know someone who has bi-pola who works, but i dont know how well he works at the job. Yet another person i know who has bipola has been signed off work.

Depression affects everyone differntly. And thats the problem.

IF he is using substances which make his depression worse then its a good bet that he needs help with this...because he is searching for something that he might not have in his life.

Its important to know that you need to look after your health as well, and maybe its better to split up. Going off sex- or the extreme of having multiple sex partners, sexual activies and a high sex drive are also very common in depression- depends on which one your boyfriend has.

I agree with Dollit and Anastasia.


It sounds like he is dependant on many things, and that also includes you.
 
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