Problems with partner and life in general **may trig**

[so sad]

So I'm at the end of my tether with everything.

My partner is being particularly controlling and verbally aggressive. She is such a bully. She wants everything her own way and god forbid I should have my own opinion. She doesn't want to listen to me unless I'm in full agreement with her. Its making want to self harm and I've had a pretty good run of not doing it. I know I should be using the various skills I've been taught in DBT but none of them are going to change how she behaves. I know ultimately that I can't change her, that I can only change how I react but that is so much easier said than done.

We've been together 27 years, in a secret same-sex relationship. Secret because that is what she insists on which makes me think she is embarrassed by me. She has always had all the power and it feels like its getting worse. I know hurting myself isn't going to change her but I know it would help me, even if only for a few special minutes.

I'm still freaking out about COVID and how that is going to impact on life long term. I don't think I'm cut out for this world, not at all.

Work causes me constant anxiety and I feel like a basket case. I just want to escape from it all.

It would be so much easier if I didn't exist.

Mx

 

[flower24]

NO please dont say that, be kind to your self please.

You have done so well not self harming please keep that up find a distraction. Do you enjoy walking or thinking of taking up a new hobby.

You have a lot going on and sorry if im out of line but your partner sounds like she is hindering you. May be think about how much the relationship actually makes you happy x

 

[Wonder_land99]

I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling, please try not to hurt yourself. I know those few minutes of relief seem like they would help but you know deep down it’ll cause you so much more pain and you’ve done so well to have gone without harming.

It seems as though your relationship is really putting a strain on you, I know I don’t know the whole story but if she can’t support you or understand how this is affecting you then I hope you can find the strength to consider whether the relationship is worth it. I really hope you are able to communicate with her and that she is able to see how you really need her support rather than any triggers to lead to deterioration of your mental health.

 

[so sad]

Thanks for replying.

Things came to ahead yesterday when she told me she was sick of the stupid things I do and that she is leaving. She told me she has been planning her escape for a few weeks, knows where she wants to go and what furniture she would take. She told me she doesn't love me.
Although things have been strained this still came out of nowhere. My 1st reaction was fine, what do you want to do about the house? She then went mad as she saw that as I wanted her to go which wasn't the case. I felt so on the back foot. She said I did too many stupid things which I know I do but its when she makes me feel so nervous that I just can't think.
She couldn't tell me what it is I need to do for her to love me again - I know I'm pathetic.
Anyway, we're tolerating each other but I have started looking at what I need to do if we do separate. The house will be a huge issue as she will want buying out and I won't be able to afford a mortgage on my own so I would have to move.
So much to think about. She has played right in to my already rock-bottom self esteem.
I've hurt myself.
I'm terrified as to what they might mean.
x

 

[lemontree]

Hi,

Honestly this sounds like it was for the best. Nobody has the right to speak to you like she did, especially somebody who should love you and care about you. It sounds like she broke up to elicit a certain reaction out of you and when you didn't give it, that just upset her further. To be in a secret relationship that makes you feel like this for 27 years is a long time and it's okay to feel sad or hurt or even to miss her. She says you do "stupid things" but I'd argue that wanting to hide the person you supposedly love and making them feel like dirt for nearly 3 decades is much worse and that's not fair for her to put all the blame on you. Don't beat yourself up for hurting yourself up though, this is a difficult situation and you're feeling a lot of things right now. Just remember how long you went without doing this, and you will be able to get there again. Putting pressure on yourself will not help but just be easy on yourself, anyone going through what you're going through would be struggling BPD or not

I hope you're doing alright, it's a tough situation but you are strong and I know you can get through this.

 

[so sad]

Thanks for taking the time to reply - means a lot.

This morning she tells me she thinks I'm the way I am (?) because of all the meds I'm on. She told me that I used to be a great driver and now I'm not. I used to be a confident driver but I think the menopause interfered with that (seems to be a common thing) and I am more hesitant which I know is not good for driving. Also, I've hardly driven for months because of COVID and I think that has affected it.
She doesn't drive herself but is always quick to comment on my ability.
I don't know where I'm at. Do I try to reduce my meds? It is something I've been thinking about it before this happened as I'm not convinced they are helping. I think I need to speak to my psych about that but any appointment will be weeks away.
Last night she was commenting on the way our house was built (it is a bit odd) and she said if they'd made the bathroom a bit smaller then WE could have had a bigger bedroom. She makes it sound like we're still a couple but she was crystal clear that she doesn't love me.
I'm so confused. She was incredibly hurtful and I know even if she does think about it and regret it, she will never, ever apologise.
I just don't have the courage to say that I want to separate. She obviously has thoughts on how she wants things to progress with the house etc and until I know what they are I can't start planning but if I bring it up then we will definitely go our separate ways - aarrgghh. its all too much.
I've really aggravated the self harm I did and I want to do more.
x

 

[lemontree]

Hey so sad,

I think that since she has done the damage (by telling you she no longer loves you) then she also needs to live with the consequences of that. It will hurt you both but I think that it would be good for you to stand up for yourself and show her that you're not going to allow her to walk all over you anymore. Tell her if she doesn't like your driving then she can take a bus or learn to drive herself. Tell her that you are taking your meds because you are trying to help yourself, and it's not her place to tell you what you should or shouldn't do in regards to your health. And I think that you should tell her you want to split up. If she is going to barge in and break your heart and then act like things are fine, that's not on. You deserve better, she doesn't deserve to keep getting away with things like this because you feel afraid of the hurt it will bring. You don't feel that way now, capable of doing that, but in hindsight trust me you start to believe in your own gut feelings and you will have a better self-worth in the long run by standing up for yourself.

I know my post is getting lengthy as is but I want to share one of my life experiences with you. I used to have a boyfriend years ago who started off as the love of my life, but things went sour. He didn't want anyone to know about us, I was not to leave a trace of being at his house if I visited - even to the point where he made us do a "hair search" because I have long blonde hair and he didn't want anyone else knowing I'd been there. If I stayed over, I had to leave my suitcase in the car and live out of that. When we were out and about, he would often give me the silent treatment when we got home because I was "embarrassing" to be around. Sometimes I would try to hug him and he would go cold on me, because I'd done something "wrong" and it was unacceptable to him. The worst ones were the times when he'd get angry at me, I'd cry because I cry easily and it's just my natural response, and he would make me leave or say he's going out and I'd better be gone by the time he returns. I got to the point where I can't actually cry in front of people anymore, and if I do I feel such guilt and shame like I have made a terrible mistake. He made me feel like shit every day yet I loved him and I am too forgiving so I stayed, even though every drive over to visit him I would cry on the way because I was so unhappy with things.

One day I was going for a walk, listening to The Cranberries, and Daffodil Lament started playing. Something really clicked in me. The lyrics are below:

Spoiler: Lyrics to Daffodil Lament

Holdin' on
That's what I do, since I met you
And it won't be long
Would you notice, if I left you?
And it's fine for some
Cause you're not the one, you're not the one
There
There, there, there...
There, there

All night long, laid on my pillow
These things are wrong
I can't sleep here

So lovely
So lovely
So lovely

I have decided to leave you forever
I have decided to start things from here
Thunder and lightning won't change what I'm feelin'
And the daffodils look lovely today...
And the daffodils look lovely today...
Look lovely today

Through your eyes I can see the disguise
Through your eyes I can see the dismay
Has anyone seen lightning?
Has anyone, looked lovely?

And the daffodils look lovely today...
And the daffodils look lovely today...
Look lovely today

It made me think of how I felt since we'd been together. How bad things had gotten. Then the song picks up as she decides to leave "him" forever and I felt that in my heart. I was a doormat and a pushover and I forgave much too easily, I forgave before I even had time to think of my own feelings, and I let him get away with treating me badly time and time again.

So, that night I broke up with him. It hurt, I saw the hurt in his eyes and I went through a really dark patch in my life. I became alcoholic and suicidal, I felt out of control without him because I still believed he was the love of my life, even though I knew with what rationality I had left that he was bad for me. It took a while to settle down from that.

It doesn't have to be like that for you. Listen to that song though, see how you feel as you listen. Daffodil Lament

Listen to yourself though, don't keep putting yourself through this pain, don't let your own hurt and attachment get in the way of a better life for yourself. I came to realise in time that I never deserved to be treated the way I was, I never deserved to feel fear of natural emotions like crying or the constant feeling of inadequacy and walking on eggshells. You don't either.

I am sorry the post got long but this one hits close to home for me. I don't want you to keep suffering when I have seen how much nicer life is on the other side. If I had never left, I wouldn't be doing so well as I am now. Maybe I wouldn't even be alive, as he made me feel worthless like I might as well be dead. Life is precious and we don't get so much time to enjoy it really. Make it count for yourself

 

[so sad]

Hi

Thank you so much for taking the time to post.

I know you're right - I should be standing up for myself and I wonder where in the 27 we've been together, I've lost myself and my ability to be myself.

She is quite happy at the moment and is acting like she never said those very hurtful things. Oddly, her saying that has made me feel a bit stronger. I don't feel like I have to agree with her all the time as I know that if she flips again, I will be saying that its time to split.

I'm also considering asking her if she meant it and pushing her a bit. It doesn't feel right to be with someone who doesn't love me so I feel like I need to know.

I do feel trapped and I know I should be doing something about it but its where to start. I don't have close friends so its not like I have support anywhere and I have nowhere to go with COVID.

It all hurts my head!

Mx