problems with new job.. time after time

[jugbandgirl]

Hi. I need somebody to talk to! everyone around me seems to get along in life just fine... making small talk and just instantly fitting in.

i've just finished my nursing course and after 5 weeks of holiday, began a new job in a hospital just three days ago. i already feel like i don't belong there and that people are already judging me, getting annoyed about me asking questions, thinking i've got no common sense.

i like to work on my own but it's a team environment everyone seems to enjoy that aspect of this particular ward (except me). i'm trying to be involved in getting to know people but i feel like they don't want me there... but then other people who have also started (on the same day as me!) seem to just belong straight away and this makes me so sad.

every job i've ever had has been like this, it seems to get worse every time. i want to be able to go to work everyday and look forward to talking to everyone and just getting the job done, as they say.

i don't think i'll ever belong here and already the thoughts pop into my head that i will give up and of course, that will mean that once again i have failed.

i take everything so personally... if someone smiles at me or gives me praise i am elated and my work performance shines... until that same person doesn't smile and i feel rejected, like a loser, left to wonder what i've done wrong and that i should ahve been more sceptical about that first smile.

i'm ever so aware that i come across as needy, nervous, seeking approval, and even more aware that these are all negative.

so i guess the point of this post is can anyone relate to not fitting in in their place of work?

how can i 'just be myself' when it constantly changes and i'm left not knowing even slightly what myself really is.

PLEASE HELP!!!!!

 

[Jo1760]

Hi Jugbandgirl,

I'm sorry to hear you feel so low at the moment. I'm sure for you working in an already stressful enviroment then having to deal with thoughts like these must make things incrediably difficult.

I can completely understand your ideas of self doubt and almost needing approval, its a very difficult cycle to come out of. I also feel like this and have done for a number of years, never quite thinking i'm good enough with the major factor of not having the self esteem and confidence others seem to use with ease.

I hope you can somehow maybe through advice on here or a visit to a gp to tell them exactly how you are feeling get through this. I would hate to think it may spiral for you and get worse.

I'd love to be able to say I have a magic answer but unfortunately I let mine build up and didn't seek support and advice early enough to 'nip it in the bud' so to speak.

Welcome to the forum by the way. I hope you find the support on here useful. Sometimes it may be a case that members are just able to say they understand, which in my experience is an incrediable help.

Take care and keep posting.

Jo X

 

[jugbandgirl]

Thanks for your message jo.

I'm seeing a psychologist- only monthly at the moment because of financial circumstances... just last session we spoke a little about a concept called 'mindfulness' that is- being in the moment. i find that i shut down under pressure and this happens all the time at work because it's hard for me to socialise with people as i think they are judging me and i feel under the spotlight.

i imagine i appear uninterested, snobby, and possibly lazy with an imaginary wall that prevents people from wanting to talk to me.

it's a really sad and lonely feeling and i feel at fault because i understand it's probably because of how i behave that this wall may be perceived by others around me.

another thing. i'm moving out soon, maybe in a month. i want to rent a flat closer to work. this will be the first time i've lived alone. i fear that i will be so lonely (especially if work continues the way it is now) and my life will slowly (or lightning fast, as it sometimes goes with BPD!) fall apart.

i fear self harming again and i haven't done this in around 2 years... i fear that i will start drinking as i've done in the past and that leads me to guilt cycles, sick days and eventually not turning up at all. what then? i won't have anywhere to go, i'll get evicted, i'll be broke with no money and no reference to help me get another job, no one to fall back on, and i'll be a failure. i'll have disappointed everyone around me that's seen me come so far (on the surface at least) since 2 psych admission in 2005.

when it rains, it really pours

thanks for listening. it's good to vent but it doesn't solve anything and it's back to work tomorrow.