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Problems getting worse

J

Jack85

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Joined
Oct 16, 2008
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3
When I was 18 I was diagnosed with stage 2 psychosis after being sent to the psych after having a "psychotic episode" in which I hallucinated a spirit/phantom-like figure in my bedroom trying to communicate with me. I couldn't hear it but it could hear me, and would respond in body language.

Prior to then I've always seen shit in the air, movements, shapes, figures. Especially at night, in darkness, I seem to see shit more often.

I've seen things since I was a kid though, I vividly recall staring at the wall watching shapes and patterns swirl about and form.

I've also seen auras around people, which is probably related (as far as the psych is concerned) to psychosis.. as I did pretty much all the tests possible to see if there were any problems but found none.

I'm not sure what stage 2 means.. I guess it meant i had it under control.. I could skeptisize about it. I told the psych that it could just be that i have an active imagination, that manifests images into my field of view or something. Although I still couldn't explain the figures and shit.

I stopped going to the psych after refusing anti-psychotics/hallucinogens because I figured the things I saw weren't troubling me in any way, whereas the meds would have unfavourable side effects.

One thing the psych told me back then, was to stay away from drugs. Especially things like amphetamines and weed.

Well as I got older I didn't heed his advice too well, and now have a weekend habit for amphetamines. As well as experimenting with plethoras of other drugs now and then.

Whilst coming down off uppers one night I had some stilnox/ambien to help bring me down and help me sleep.. although I didn't sleep.. I just tripped the hell out.. massively. I was surrounded by figures in my room, mostly transparent, that I could reach out and actually touch.. it was as if they were made of glad wrap/thing plastic.. and would buckle and tear as I touched them.

After wandering around for a bit (giggling) I would follow these figures around and tear their limbs off, crush their heads, just pretty much interact with them as much as I could as long as I was hallucinating TOUCH as well.

Then I heard a whispering in my ears, they were telling me to stop it. I realized then I could hear them, and so I entered long conversations with them, who described themselves as demons, sent here to tutor me.

What they wanted me to do I really don't need to say. Let's just say very bad things, involving people dying. I put all these hallucinations down to the drugs, although the figures/demons had a very similar theme to the one that I interacted with when I was 18 (before I'd tried drugs). Only now with the assistance of drugs I could contact them on a much deeper level.

Eventually I got to sleep but since then I have found that my psychosis? has increased slightly. I now hear voices occasionally.. I know they are near when the ringing in my ears increases, then I start to hear them whispering to me. I can also see them in my bedroom at night, when it is dark. They're usually quite frantic.. trying to get my attention. They can touch me to a degree too. Sometimes I'll feel pressure on my legs and movement.

But yeh.. the voices never went away. They come and go. I've chosen to ignore them, just as I've chosen to ignore the figures that I see.

The way I look at it, if it is all just a mental problem, then paying to much attention to it is only going to make it worse.

But yeh.. quite often when I'm coming down off amphetamines I will hallucinate badly, as it seems I get amphetamine induced psychosis a lot easier then most people would. But as long as I don't listen to what they say, or interact with them.. I think I'm good for now.

The problem has been gradually getting worse over the years though.. the whole fact that I could touch see and hear them that time, and the things they had to say to me, were rather worrying.

I'm not sure if I should see the psych again though. If I went into any serious detail about the things that have been going on I'm worried I'd be committed or something. Or at least forced to have anti-psychotics, and I'd rather not go down that path.
 
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Apotheosis

Guest
Hi Jack & welcome to the site.

You describe your experiences very well, & I found them fascinating. Personally I go with the fact that to ourselves, these things are real, they are happening to us. These things are real to you. I am not saying that this means these things are real in an objective sense, just that these are real & valid experiences. What has worked for me has been to build a story, or a kind of map of explanation around my experiences. Personally I have found a lot of help with alternative healing, especially Reiki. I am fully trained in Reiki & I practise self healing a lot. I have found that exploring these sates to have helped me. Accepting that these things have been real to me & dealing with them accordingly.

It is worth bearing in mind the mythology of daemons, & pre Christian understandings of these things. Have you researched the different angles to this stuff?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Creativity_demons

a daemon was more like a demigod rather than an evil spirit, as Eros was described as in-between the gods and humankind. In the Christian reception of Platonism, the eudaemons were identified with the angels.
Maybe try some Google searches.

The orthodox line will be that what you are experiencing is nonsense & mental illness & all in your head & their response will be to prescribe meds. Meds can help in certain circumstances, & may take the edge off things. But for me I think that people should be free to decide what their treatment is. I take a low does of one med. It has a plus & a negative side. But I would rather not be on it, however I become too ill when I have tried stopping it.

I posted an outline of some of my experiences here -

http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/showthread.php?t=2183

I think it can be healthy to discus this stuff, & to get other angles on it.
I am prone to disturbed sleep. A while ago I had a few night where it felt like someone had jumped onto the bed & was punching me, I could feel them on top of me. I see odd shapes & "things" in the room sometimes, especially at night.

I used to take a lot of drugs. Drugs do not help with a mental health problem - they make things worse, usually a lot worse. About the best thing I ever did for my mental health, was to stop taking drugs.

I hope that you can find some support on this site.
 
J

Jack85

New member
Joined
Oct 16, 2008
Messages
3
Hey thanks Apotheosis for the detailed response. I appreciate it.

I do keep an open mind about what it is that I'm experiencing/seeing, like you said. This was one reason why I declined taking drugs for it. Because if you ask a psych, they'll tell you that you have a problem. But if you look into religious views or more spiritual views, they'll give you an entirely different answer.

I've even found myself sitting there whilst being spoken to, and seeing "them", and said aloud..

"There's really two options here... one... I've got a problem, and it's all in my head.. and paying attention to it is only going to make it worse... and two.. you're real.. and if your real, and what you say you are.. then I have even greater reason to ignore you".

I asked them at one point what I would get if I worked with them, and the answer I recieved was "you will be forgiven".. or some shit. I was like fuck that, no deal.

The disturbed sleep thing you talk about sounds a lot similar to some of the stuff I have. I don't find I'm woken up from my sleep too much, but the process of getting to sleep can often be difficult.. as I'll be lying there and suddenly hear the ringing in my ears increase then the whispering, then start to see movements in the air, then figures. Also if I do ignore them and try and sleep, occasionally I've been jolted awake.. as if someone has suddenly pushed on the back or front of my shoulders harshly.

Actually I did get woken up a lot during sleep and have sleep paralysis like effects.. which worried me at first but after looking into it I've just put that down to sleep paralysis, and sort of ignored any possibility that it could be to do with anything else.

Although one worrying thing was... when I was being talked to one night, and ignoring them (told them to fuck off), they threatened my brother.. saying they would get him then.. as they know I am protective of him.

A week later my mom got a phonecall from my brother (who is a plasterer, and really doesn't care much for the paranormal nor have problems sleeping), he was really shaken over the phone.. and had said that he was lying there and his phone started making weird staticky noizes.. before he was "attacked" by something, that grabbed his arm and twisted it back, whilst leaving him paralized.

I talked to him and told him it was just sleep paralysis.. so as not to worry him. The thought entered my mind that it could be "them" doing as they said they would.. but I still don't believe that "they" are real.

oh yeh.. forgive me if I've said anything in this post I might have said in the first. I'm babbling shit right out of my head right now. haha.

I've got to go to work in a bit, but I'll have a read of your post in the other thread later on, it looks interesting.

As far as the drugs go though.. I know they make things worse.. but for some reason that really doesn't phase me. I only use on the weekends, and I'm starting to be more mature about how much I have.. and it's only d-amphetamines anyway, not weed or meth or anything. The funny thing is the voices have urged me in the past to take different things.. I was being harassed once to drink a bottle of bourbon sitting on my table. I told them to fuck off.. but yeh. Funny shit lol.

It's good to have a place like this to talk about this shit though. These are conversations you really can't have with friends or family.
 
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Apotheosis

Guest
It's good to have a place like this to talk about this shit though. These are conversations you really can't have with friends or family.
If it helps you then continue to talk & share about your experiences. It helps me to talk about such things.

I don't think amphetamines would help your condition at all, but that is your choice. Have you tried seeing how you feel without them, for a time?
 
J

Jack85

New member
Joined
Oct 16, 2008
Messages
3
Please delete this thread and my account.

asap.

thanks.
 
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