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Problem with "adult" son

doktorjohn

doktorjohn

Member
Joined
Jul 9, 2010
Messages
12
Hi there, I have posted this in two places, in the main forum and this one. I hope that is ok.

I am 59 year old father to a 24 year old son. I am on the brink of getting him to leave home. He has been living off me for months and I am only on Incapacity Benefit which is going to stop in March or April because of Welfare Reform. He can't get work or keep work or sign-on Jobseekers correctly because of his mental state. He has no diplomacy skills and he is angry because it's all bad luck or someone else's fault. I don't think he would be diagnosed as Special Needs but it would help if he was because life is very difficult for both of us.

I am ill with anxiety, stress and depression and it's making me much worse. He moved out for all of December 2012 and I got myself well and happy without him. His girlfriend kicked him out and he came back humble at first but now he is trying to blame me again and displaying anger. :curseyou:

He admits me is messed-up and that smoking dope makes him worse but he won't stop smoking it.
I have told him he will have to move out if I get so ill and so financially poor in order to save myself from becoming homeless and/or suicidal. His response is to say that this is one of the causes of his problems and he argues to the point where I have to say "lets stop speaking now" because I'm about to throw him out.

I feel it's almost inevitable that he must go but I'm trying to hold my nerve because it's a big step. He is very hard work because he can't manage his own affairs and I have to do a lot of things for him to limit the damage.
I have a counselor but she is ill so I keep ringing IAPT to get a phone counselling session but I'm still waiting. My counselor did say that I should ask him to leave in order to save myself, and I really want him to go.
Should I make it clear that I'm close to saying he has to leave if he carries on angrily blaming me for his problems? If I do it will inflame him and he will use it against me.

If I don't he has no reason to change.

This whole thing is destroying me.:low:

- John
 
cpuusage

cpuusage

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 25, 2012
Messages
37,648
Location
Planet Lunatic Asylum
Hi John - it's difficult & complex. Ultimately you need to do what you feel is best for all concerned. I personally feel that he needs to sink or swim, & you need to consider your own health needs. I've had severe mental health difficulties - in the past I used a lot of cannabis & blamed family. I had to grow up & get on with life & with living independently. Life isn't easy - but he has stand on his own 2 feet at some stage.

I feel that none of it is really about blame - regardless of who has/hasn't done what, & all the rights & wrongs of everything - blame is useless, it solves nothing.
 
doktorjohn

doktorjohn

Member
Joined
Jul 9, 2010
Messages
12
I have to agree and you have a fair, balanced view of this difficult situation. It's not going to be easy but it's been going on for years now and I've had enough.

Thanks,

- John
 
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