Previous relationship -- feeling sick at heart

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survivetothrive

Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2018
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8
I posted this in the PD forum which maybe is not the appropriate place so trying here.

Hi, this is my first post and I need support from people who understand my situation. I had a relationship with someone early last year. It was long distance, casual but at the same time intense. He was intense, charismatic and presented himself as one who had integrity/good character and valued the same. I'm more or less a nice, open-hearted, semi-normal lady and for a brief period I thought he might be the love of my life. We never quarreled and there were no harsh words between us. He certainly seemed to want a serious romantic relationship. He was divorced and had grown kids, so his bona fides were there in terms of being "ready able and willing" to embark on such a relationship.

He got cold feet and dropped me. It was of course somewhat sad and disappointing, but I've been there, am resilient and basically healthy, so I was prepared to get past it and move on pretty quickly, especially because it was of such short duration.

Then the really tough stuff happened. He proceeded to cyber-stalk me for months. Without great detail, he had inserted a key logger on my computer and when I finally identified and removed that, he continued to track me online. He broke into numerous social media accounts, changing the password. He sent me messages disguised as anonymous men, some of which were very childlike and enthusiastic, professing love for me, and others were very demeaning and insulting.

It turned my world inside out. I've had anxiety attacks that increased to daily (nightly) panic episodes... something I had never once experienced. I thought for a while he had BPD, but I've come to view him as a psychopath as well. No remorse, no conscience, no empathy whatsoever, for he had to have known how his conduct was impacting me.

In the last couple of weeks, it seems he either got bored and discontinued, or became afraid of being caught, or my pleas for help with these social media accounts led to him being blocked from contacting me and breaking into accounts.

I now have PTSD. When I think of him, which is often due to the daily assaults on my privacy, I literally feel sick to my stomach and an ache in my heart that someone could be so evil toward me. I do believe he is evil.

I am in counseling but that's one hour a week and it's left me so wrecked that this time is not sufficient to comfort me and heal fully, at least not yet. Anyone who has had similar experiences, I would appreciate hearing from you... or anyone who has words of encouragement, or wants to share their path to healing. It's messed with my spiritual path because I used to be able to trust people, not naively -- I kept my eyes open. But this person was such a brilliant deceiver, I've never encountered his kind.

Thank you for reading my story and any thoughts or stories or encouragement that the readers will share.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Hello survivetothrive, and :welcome: to the Forum. I'm sorry to learn that you were stalked like that after initially getting along well with the man. My first inclination is to say get angry for awhile.

You can get over this in time. I've gotten past seriously messed up stuff. It'll just take some time. Don't let him win.

And later you'll have to forgive him for being a flawed, seriously badly programmed human being.
 
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survivetothrive

Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2018
Messages
8
Hello survivetothrive, and :welcome: to the Forum. I'm sorry to learn that you were stalked like that after initially getting along well with the man. My first inclination is to say get angry for awhile.

You can get over this in time. I've gotten past seriously messed up stuff. It'll just take some time. Don't let him win.

And later you'll have to forgive him for being a flawed, seriously badly programmed human being.
Thank you, you're right I need to feel more anger and work through eventual forgiveness. Different than tolerating the behavior, but a part of the healing.
 
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