• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Pretty sure I'm going mental haha.

S

snowman365

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2015
Messages
5
Hey guys! New here - going to step out of my shell here and talk about some stuff that I've been hiding for a very long time! I've written this out a few times but seem to cross it off without saving at the last minute...

Basically, I'm just a tad concerned I'm going a bit mental haha.

A bit of background information about me - I'm a roughly mid 20's male uni grad, working a pretty menial job but have no intention of staying for too long - it's just until I sort my life out! I have a few physical chronic illnesses, all of them more irritating than something dangerous/absolutely dreadful, but I have not been diagnosed with anything mentally - I have never quite had the guts to tell anybody about this though. I've been through a couple of rough patches, some worse than others. Have spent a few of the periods kind of contemplating suicide, but never too seriously. I do sometimes get an urge to do something drastic on impulse, but it's always just an idea, nothing too serious. I would hesitate to say that I am depressed though. There is a difference between being genuinely depressed and just feeling blue for a bit.

I would say however, that I have not been genuinely happy for over a year and a half. Most of the time I'm not sad either though. I mostly just exist - neither happy or upset, but just floating through the world. If somebody were to tell me I'd die tomorrow, I wouldn't be too bothered. I'd be more upset for my friends and family than myself to be honest!

Anyway - that's getting a bit off topic and isn't really what this post is about......

For as long as I can remember really, my head space changes from VERY busy, to completely blank, at the turn of hat.

When my mind is whirring, I'm often having conversations with myself (within my mind - I rarely speak aloud, although sometimes one word from a sentence will slip out). The topic of conversation is usually voicing a worry; sometimes to myself, sometimes to another person (who I believe is myself). So I could be having a conversation with another person, but in my head I believe that I am either the other person, or I am both. I also frequently daydream all sorts of bizarre situations up - genuinely thinking of writing some of them down and passing them off as children's stories haha!

However, I also frequently just go completely blank. During the blank periods, I'm always lightheaded and to be honest I have no idea what's going on. I don't know whether I'm just standing there staring into space or what. If I'm doing something - i.e. my work involves carrying plates of food/drinks, my body seems able to continue the task and I just rejoin it a few minutes down the line. Frustratingly, it frequently happens during conversation. I can start a conversation with somebody, and then 5 seconds in my mind just goes white. I feel lightheaded and then I just stand there at the person talking to me smiling like an idiot. It means that conversations frequently end in an awkward silence and can be problematic when you are talking to customers all day!

Here's the kicker (and here's where it might get weird). I kind of feel as though my mind/conscience is actually separate to my body. I don't really take a disliking to my body (although my illness' can be frustrating). I just feel as though there is me- i.e my mind and conscience, and then there is my body. My body basically does all the necessaries to survive and exist within society and it seems to hide pretty well the fact that my mind is often in a completely different place. But my mind IS in a completely different place. I feel frequently that I am not in control of my own physical actions - my body just does stuff.

And to finish it all (and without wanting to get into a philosophy debate), I am not 100% sure that the world, you or even me exists at this point. How do I know I exist? 'I think therefore I am' - but how do I know that I'm not the creation of the conscience of another being? Does the physical world exist at all? Are we just sentient beings traveling(?) through the Nth dimension?

Who knows...

P.S. Just to clarify - at the top of this topic, I discuss negative emotions. Whilst I do genuinely feel like I'm going insane, this specific feeling doesn't really upset me. I'm lucky enough to derive some perhaps pretty dark humour from the situation (which just solidifies my opinion of me being mental). But yeah - that's that.

Anyway - opinions? Can anybody be bothered to discuss? Sorry about the perhaps unnecessary long post!

:prop:
 
Last edited by a moderator:
L

lovagemuffin

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
640
hi I I can relate to the whole kimd of not actively suicidle but at times say if I died tomorrow not caring and I have to say you matter how you feel matters and please ask for help because we all need it from time to time. srlf compassion is key sending a hug
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
Hi Snowman365 and welcome to the forum.

I'm happy to discuss further, if you want to and I can relate to a lot of what you say. That might not be too comforting though :)

You obviously have good insight otherwise you wouldn't be questioning yourself. I think when it comes down to it, if you feel that the way you're thinking and feeling is having a big impact on your day-to-day life and is causing too many issues, it's time to seek help.

You say that you've been hiding this and, in your own words, haven't had the guts to tell anyone. Do you have anyone that you would be able to talk this through with, if you needed to?

I don't think that it not upsetting you and the fact that you use dark humour is worrying. Isn't that more about coping?
 
S

snowman365

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2015
Messages
5
Thanks for responding guys - it really is appreciated.

I figured that would be the answer - 'if you feel it's impacting your day to day life then seek help'.

The thing is, I find that situation frustrating. (The next few lines may sound like a rant directed at a person, but I promise they are not - it is more me trying to explain my thoughts. It's obviously difficult to portray tone over written text though!).

What specifically is the boundary? When does it become 'too much', so that I should seek help? I mean I'm alive and somewhat functioning in society. So does that mean I'm fine?

I think all I can do is look at it as objectively as possible and just attempt to make my mind up. However, my moods frequently change - sometimes it effects my life more than others. I'm terrified of actually booking an appointment with a doc when I'm feeling low to then be feeling dandy when the appointment comes around. I'm terrified of coming across as something of a drama queen to be honest and I don't really want to waste anybody's time! I realise that that shouldn't be the case, but realistically it doesn't really help haha!

The most frustrating thing is that nobody else can answer these questions for me - it's something I have to answer myself!

If I were to make an objective list right now:


I feel as though I am a (something?), and my body is some form of physical(?) object I don't have much control over.
I have no idea if I exist or not.
I am not happy.
I am not really upset, but I frequently upset myself slightly by getting stuck in thought cycles about how much stuff sucks.
If I ask myself 'are you ok', the answer is 'I don't know'.
I have no real inclination to live, or to die.
I'm not living, just passing time.
I find myself floating through life, not really observing what is going on.



Reading that back, imagining I were a normal person, I'd say that sounds pretty messed up. But then again, what would define a 'normal person'? Is anybody truly 'normal'? Aren't we all a little bit mad in some form or other? (Are we?). Is there any preconception of what a normal person is, and if so, should there be?

fdghfdighighdifg (arghhhhh) (haha).

As for chatting to a friend about this; I really do not think I have anybody I could discuss this with. I don't feel as though I have any friends who could hear me repeat that list and have them understand what is going on. They would all react as 'wtf mate' and then just gloss over it, where we would then have an unspoken agreement to never mention that topic of conversation again!

As for the humour - I'm not so sure it's a coping mechanism. I'm actually more concerned that it's the complete opposite - making light of the situation as I don't have the stones to actually deal with it!

Thanks for conversing - it really is appreciated!

<edit>
sorry about the somewhat rambly nature of that post - it can be difficult being concise sometimes.
</edit>
 
Last edited:
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
You might have to bear with me here; my brain has decided that it doesn't want to focus but...

I would say the fact that it's worrying you so much (or enough to share it on a mental health forum) and that it does affect your life, even if some days more than others, it would be a good idea to visit your GP. It doesn't matter if your mood is different from making your appointment to attending it. You can just explain exactly what you've been going through.

I've recommended this to others before because it's something that has worked for me: write everything down; all of your concerns, or print out your posts, and take this with you when you see your GP. You won't be wasting anyone's time.

Normal..? We all have our own perceptions of this to some degree, I suppose. To me, normal is mildly over-rated and equates to average, which is rather a dull word. But, then again, maybe we are all just fundamentally normal, with our own quirks and nuances thrown on top? At what point does this become abnormal? Who knows? It's too big a question for my brain tonight but I might get back to you on that one when I'm feeling more... normal. :)

Feel free to ignore that last paragraph; I was hit by a silly mood. Do make an appointment to see your GP though, if you can, and keep posting and let us know how you go.
 
Last edited:
S

snowman365

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2015
Messages
5
No worries at all - that all made perfect sense to me! It's actually fascinating how the mind works - how we are all so similar yet all so completely different. Kind of makes me wish I studied psychology instead, but if I were to believe what the TV shows have taught me (hah) - it could be quite frustrating not being able to 'switch off' your critical thinking and psycho-analyze everybody you speak to!

I think you are correct - I probably should go and speak to somebody about it eugh. I've had a few people mention to me at work (jokingly) - 'you're not with it are you?'. I'm also consistently forgetting important info at work (that was given to me 3 seconds previously) and I'm making mistakes due to a complete lack of concentration/the lightheaded white fog that clouds my vision. Even now I'm struggling to concentrate - I've been writing this reply for over 2 and a half hours straight -_- I'm really trying hard to fix grammatical/spelling errors, but my brain just flat out refuses to concentrate.

Now that I'm actively thinking about it, it definitely is affecting my life, so I think it's time to chat to somebody. The idea of writing a list seems like it should be easier. I think if I write truthfully and then expand upon said writing when asked a question, it would be a much easier way of dealing with it than just coming out with it. I'm going to write a list now I think. I'll attempt to pop up to the docs tomorrow morning before work - I'll let you know tomorrow whether I've booked an appointment or not.

Nothing silly about that paragraph either! I completely agree with you - I would equate being normal to being 'not as interesting', and in some respects I prefer the fact that I'm 'not normal'. I think it's helped me to expand personally and live outside of the social norms of modern life, i.e. consume brain-dead/uninteresting populist media, live selfishly with no regard for the planet and lead a materialistic lifestyle. It's just that the negatives suck as well -_-

I hope that last paragraph doesn't come across as too pretentious.

And again, I really appreciate the conversation. You've been a huge help. From what I can gather, you are an amazing part of this community, so I (and I'm sure many others) would like to thank you for the help you have given people. How are you doing? If you have anything you want to share, feel free to to do, but also don't feel pressured to say anything you don't want to. I hope you are feeling more 'normal' today. Remember though, not being normal is what makes us who we are, and it's for the better!
 
S

snowman365

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2015
Messages
5
Due to it being impossible for me to book an appointment (there is always at least a weeks waiting list and I only know the current weeks work shifts), I just went up today and said that I needed to speak to somebody in private. After mentioning the situation I was in (without any privacy at all - all the other workers/patients within close proximity could hear our discussion), I was able to get an appointment with a doctor for later today.

So I saw a doctor, fluffed about a bit and then just gave him a piece of paper with the list of things I had been feeling.

He asked if I wanted to kill myself now, I said no (and said if I ever felt that way again, I should go to A+E immediately?).

He asked if I was looking forward to the future - I said no.

He asked how much I drank - I said it depends. Usually about 2 bottles of wine a week, sometimes more - but it changes consistently.

He asked if I had ever taken drugs. I responded truthfully with yes. He asked which ones, which I responded MDMA (he didn't know what that was...), ketamine, LSD and marijuana. He then tutted.

He asked if I have had any thoughts of harming others - I replied truthfully, no.

Without any other questions, he told me that I was feeling the way I do because of drug usage. I explained that my problems started before my usage, and that I have never had 'a problem' with drugs. I partied somewhat hard for 2 years but never felt like it was gripping my life. He told me it didn't matter as it is drugs that usually cause this. He then told me that I'll be receiving a letter in 4 weeks regarding counseling, gave me a suicide helpline number, wished me the best and that was that.

-----------------

At this point, I'm somewhat taken aback. As soon as I said yes, it seems as though his mind was set on my problems been down to drug usage. I have NEVER used drugs as an escape, it was always either to enhance a good night, or just out of general interest. My LSD trip wasn't spiritual at all, I didn't 'find god' or come to any philosophical realisations - my dosage was deliberately low. All I found personally was that red is a much better colour than blue! -_-

I probably drink too much, but it's never in excess. I drink alcohol because I enjoy the taste. I can be partial to a nice ale or a decent bottle of red, but I VERY rarely drink to get drunk. I grew out of that a long time ago.

It just seems strange to me that I wasn't asked why I think I feel like I do (which btw is just all the classics - a break-up, money issues, feeling dissatisfied with life/society as a whole). He didn't learn anything about me personally so I feel as though as I have been somewhat 'fobbed off' by a guy who just can't be bothered to help somebody.

------------

Perhaps I actually have been completely blinded by the drugs - I didn't study medicine; I'm an arts grad, so his opinion on the situation holds more weight than mine. Also, it's not as if I exactly understand 'myself' at the moment either hah. It does just seem like a quick and easy answer to a complicated situation though (the doc was also running 50 mins late). I'll discuss this with the counselor when I see him/her I guess and take it from there. I'll stay open minded to it all.

Somewhat looking forward to meeting a counselor now though - should be pretty interesting!
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
Hey Snowman365,

I'm not surprised that you feel fobbed off and I am sorry that your GP dismissed the way you're feeling by using your previous drug use as a reason. Perhaps I shouldn't be but actually I'm stunned! It sounds as though the only good thing to come out of it is that you'll be getting some counselling!

All I will say is that if you feel as though you can't cope, are feeling worse, or can't wait until your counselling appointment comes through; go back to the doctor, or better still, ask to see a different one. I've had to change doctors once before due to the first one's attitude and opinion on a few things and I suppose I'm fortunate to now have a very good, caring GP. Is it just luck of the draw? Maybe.

I expect for some GPs it's just a case of running through a list of stock questions to determine certain MH factors (immediate risk to self and/or others etc.). They are, after all, GPs and not necessarily trained in areas of mental health. This said, I don't think he should have homed in on just the drug use.

Anyway, please keep us updated and let us know how you get on. Also, if you find it helpful, keep using the forum. It's pretty good for support, questions or just a general rant.

Take care.
 
Top