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Pretty Sure I'm A Sociopath

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BadVladittude

New member
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Canada
I'm not really sure where to begin, so this post might be all over the place, and really I'm just hoping to connect with some others who feel the same way and get some ideas about how to go about daily life; because how I currently am going about it doesn't seem healthy.

My mom died when I was 19. It wasn't sudden in the fact that we physically lost her, but sudden in the way that we lost who she was as a person. She had a seizure/stroke and I was there to witness the entire thing, from moments after it happened and all the way through the ambulance ride to the hospital and the emergency prep in the ER, both of which involved violent spasms and intense vomiting. She wasn't the same person after that day. There were moments when she would say something she'd use to say, or laugh the same way she'd use to, which gave me this slight "rush" feeling inside that maybe she's getting better. She only lived for a year after that, which allowed for a slightly easier transition from her being around to not being around I suppose. When she had her first seizure/stroke I was worried what was happening, but that was about it. When she died, I felt nothing.

Throughout my childhood all I can remember is how manufactured my responses felt every time I heard bad news of someone dying or getting sick. I just remember feeling like I had to pretend that I cared so I wasn't questioned about my lack of feelings. It was this weird feeling of knowing I should be experiencing something, but it just wasn't there. Obviously I never knew what it was at the time, but the more I look back on it, I think I've fit in to the sociopath category my entire life.

I live on my own now, which is how I prefer it as I don't connect with anyone on a personal or emotional level. It gets lonely but I have a stable job that I enjoy which gets me out of the house and interacting with others. The people at work are nice, so that helps too. They really care about me, which I find odd because I don't even care for myself. I find that I don't have sympathy or general empathy for anyone that I interact with; except for what I've read about as "cognitive empathy". I like to go out of my way to make things easier for others, especially at work so they can go about their daily tasks with less stress. When it comes to an emotional level, there's nothing. People will tell me how they're feeling or they'll share that a family member has passed or is sick which again, brings me back to pretending that I care so they don't see me as someone to avoid.

I find that I observe people. A lot. Maybe an unhealthy amount, I'm not sure. I'll get caught staring by one of my friends and I'll just brush it off as daydreaming, but in reality I would be observing the guy and his girlfriend across the bar, feeling like I am inside their relationship, gathering all these details about their lives without ever hearing a word they're saying. I like to people watch and pick up on their gestures, facial expressions and general movements. I find I mimic people very easily. I'll pick someone I find interesting and I'll begin to mimic certain things they do or the way they say things. I think this is part and parcel of me trying to be someone else that I find less annoying and disruptive, not really sure yet on that one.

I've read up on the term of "putting a mask on" which in a literal sense is sometimes how it feels. I'll be smiling and having an engaging conversation with someone, most times without even trying, only to have the mask get carried away in the wind as soon as I turn around. No one has caught me making such a sudden switch, at least not to my knowledge. I should probably be more careful and make a less obvious transition sometimes.

Is this just how daily life is going to be for me? As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I'm just looking for tips on how to go about my day feeling this way.

Thanks,
Vlad
 
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Rogue7

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 2, 2020
Messages
56
Location
Australia
Sorry for your loss. Maybe it was so Traumatic that you dissociated? I dissociate and it makes me feel empty of any feelings at all. Only a therapist can help you work out what's going on. I too mirror ppl all the time and put on a mask so as to appear switched on when I'm not. I think I could fit into almost any group of ppl because I'm good at pretending to be someone I'm not.. Idk but maybe look into dissociation xx
 
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BadVladittude

New member
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Canada
The only part of disassociation I seem to fit in to is being in a fantasy world. My job consists of a lot of driving and I am almost always living in some sort of fantasy world if I'm on an open stretch of highway which allows my mind to wander.

The only difference from what you're describing is I become filled with a lot of different emotions while moving through the world I've constructed. They seem like genuine emotions as well, nothing I can experience under any other circumstances. I'll catch myself smiling or being sad for someone or talking out loud to someone who of course isn't actually there; which drags me out of the daydream and back to reality.
 
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