- May 4, 2020
I really want to blow my brains out right now. I stayed friends with my caretaker after she quit her job and she just ended our friendship while blaming it on the power differential, while she always talked openly with me about all her problems. Also I am disappointed in dating sites and Tinder. I barely have had even one single interesting long-lasting conversation. Most of the time I get blocked for seemingly no apparent reason or I stop getting reactions pretty soon and are left completely ignored. I also I sent multiple long e-mails to different content creators on Youtube which I really like who are all ignoring me (or at least for one month now). And all my parents seem to be able to do while I'm broken is stand there and sit with me. Which I can't really seem to appreciate. I don't even know what I do want them to do. And all the conversations with my many caregivers seem to be somewhat the same. I have an opinion or feel a certain way and they try to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I can see their point, mostly I don't. It all seems so pointless. It seems like I'm heading nowhere, my fate in mankind is beyond repair, and somehow I don't feel loved. I just feel alone and I feel lost.