- Feb 14, 2021
Hi! I’m new and I have so many thoughts/questions. My mind is racing and my thoughts are chaos but I think I’ve recently had a huge breakthrough. So here’s the deal. I’ve been in therapy a number of times over the years and I’ve seen a psychiatrist twice in my life. Once many years ago for PTSD and have now been seeing someone since last Spring. The thing is that I don’t think I’ve ever really been honest with any of my mental health professionals. I’ve always withheld a LOT of information. I don’t really know why I do this. I’m not trying to be intentionally deceitful but I think I’m just doing what I’ve always done in every aspect of my life which is trying to appear “normal”. My current diagnosis is PMDD because that’s basically what I handed to my psychiatrist. I started taking Fluoxetine in April which I believed to be life changing. I had energy and motivation. Every time I had an appointment I would tell my doctor how great I was doing and how much better my life has been. I’ve been self medicating for insomnia (unisom and cannabis) for years but recently I have had to increase these things and have now come to the point that even on massive amounts I’m still waking up for hours at a time and can’t shut my mind off. So I moved my April appointment up to this coming week to address the insomnia. I always rehearse what I want to say to my doctor in my head but today I started writing things down and it is literally pages and pages of mostly things I haven’t told anyone. I’m so embarrassed about hiding things all this time but I’m desperate for help. Seeing all of my concerning behavior over the years written out makes a bipolar diagnosis seem obvious to me but I still have the urge to rationalize each individual behavior. I’m 41 and my Dad wasn’t diagnosed with Bipolar until he was 60 but we all knew he had it all those years even if he didn’t. I just feel like I’ve been putting all of my energy into trying to control and hide my mental health because I’m so afraid of such a major diagnosis.