Preparing for my fate...

R

Roadfool

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#1
I've been subconsciously acting in a particular way for some time now... Saving money to leave to my family, avoiding any kind of interaction with the opposite sex for fear of 'liking them', and selling my possessions regardless of whether I need them or not. I also upload videos of myself to YouTube for my family to remember me. It's taken a long time to realise why I'm behaving the way I am, but it's starting to make sense now.
 
burt tomato

burt tomato

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#2
You need some light in your life.

I can see where you are going with this, and it makes me sad.

Don't you think you could be going through a tough patch in your life at the minute?
 
L

lizabeth

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#5
If things could be totally different -- what kind of life would you envision for yourself?
Take care...
 
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R

Roadfool

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#6
...Thanks for the replies.

It's the same old story really, Burt. Bullied as a kid, unsuccessful as an adult. World on my shoulders and all that... Nothing you haven't read before.

Lizabeth... I'm not entirely sure. I'm envious of people who have got life figured out. I've got the things that most people say are important, like freedom, health, family and money, but I've got a very grim outlook on life.
I basically just don't want to be here.
 
burt tomato

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#7
And you have an underlying mental health condition?

Have you spent any time focussing on your mental health, depression?
 
R

Roadfool

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#8
I've never been to a docs or been on meds... I guess I've never been afraid to face my fate.
 
burt tomato

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#9
I've never been to a docs or been on meds... I guess I've never been afraid to face my fate.
Definitely worth speaking about this with a professional. Your GP for a start. You can also speak to a mental health charity:

Mind

Rethink
 
L

lizabeth

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#12
...Thanks for the replies.

It's the same old story really, Burt. Bullied as a kid, unsuccessful as an adult. World on my shoulders and all that... Nothing you haven't read before.

Lizabeth... I'm not entirely sure. I'm envious of people who have got life figured out. I've got the things that most people say are important, like freedom, health, family and money, but I've got a very grim outlook on life.
I basically just don't want to be here.
I understand the feeling of possessing a certain philosophical outlook on life that's hard to shift... it sounds like you need some good talking therapy and other help for depression at the very least in order to get back in touch with yourself and gain that enthusiasm that will help you find out what's important to you in life. And some kind of big change in routine...

Family/work responsibilites can weigh anyone down hugely, let alone someone dealing with depression. They are wonderful things to have but of course life never really stops or gets easier -- and there are then many more people doting on you.

And I know it's a cliche but society is sick -- we're surrounded by people and yet so many of us feel very lonely.

How are your relationships with your family and other people in your life?

I get that the last thing you probably want to do at the moment is really think about any of this and how to solve it, and of course you don't have to answer my question here.

Although I'm a new user I have been familiar with this forum for a long time and it really is a brilliant community, I hope it helps you. There are no, um, peeing contests -- everyone's experiences are valued equally.
 
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lizabeth

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#13
Sorry was thinking this was Introductions and you were a new member!!! But I'm sure you'll agree. :)
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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#14
Hi,
Please seek out help, your GP/dr can help you with therapy or meds. The Samaritans can help you if your based in the U.K.
Don't give up, people do improve.
I'm here to listen too.
Sorry you were bullied.
Take care
 
frogsplash

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#15
hello Roadfool, i think the fact that you are here posting on this forum means there is a part of you which has not given up and is hoping to find some kind of answer, advice, some direction.. something which will improve things for you

hopefully you can agree that when we get to a certain low point, then there really is nothing to lose but to at least try all of the available options (therapy, medication, etc) to see if you find something what helps you. that's something i'm doing myself at the moment
 
L

lizabeth

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#16
I think bullying is ultimately abuse - people find targets who they know won't be able to defend themselves to attack relentlessly and many people have been traumatised by bullying from childhood. Yes it may be 'a fact of life' to some degree but it still traumatises some people. There's this idea that it's a level playing field and that defending yourself against it is just a milestone when it involves peers and no family or physical relationship element, but it clearly can involve the exact same kinds of behaviours.
 
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R

Roadfool

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#17
Thanks for the kind words from everyone.

I'm not the greatest at talking about my issues, or talking at all these days. I've changed a lot over the years and have gone from a social butterfly to becoming reclusive more recently.
I've got a general hatred towards the world and lost any love or passion for anything I do, whether that be sports and hobbies or dating and relationships.

I think my depression/issue is a little different from many as I don't believe anything I'm feeling is irrational. I'm genuinely convinced that life is a waste of time.
 
L

lizabeth

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#18
Maybe it is? I won't lie -- I've felt like life is meaningless for as long as I can remember as I had lots of problems throughout childhood and I've always struggled with social connections, in a big way, which makes life very dry and harder to navigate.

Yes people definitely do have thought-out philosophical reasons for why living is meaningless. But I think also a lot of people feel that life is a genuine waste of time when they are depressed. You're right, it could be an ultimate conclusion that you've come to, and your perspective could be totally unchangeable. But I still get the idea that that's not the case. Ultimately it's your choice what you do, of course... but we'll still be about, anyway, if you need us!

I think you need to fully express how you are feeling to the right people, the rght professionals, who can make you feel safe enough to open up -- you never know what kinds of opportunities you might find, and as another poster said here -- when you feel this low you've got everything to gain, more or less! If you've got money you also have your pick from hundreds of private therapists.
 
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frogsplash

frogsplash

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#19
i agree with what lizabeth said,
you did mention that you have changed over the years so it sounds like you used to be 'ok' with life in general.
there's loads of negative stuff in the world and bad things; it's just a case of how much we 'take in' or how much we are affected by it. i generally dont pay attention to the 'bad news' anymore. that doesnt make me an outsider. most people i know.. in fact everyone i know has no interest in reading newspapers of gives a crap about 'world news'

i tend to remind myself that i am a good caring person and i cant control what others do or how they act. that said, if u have depression, then its not quite so easy to think your way out of anything.

you could try to do what i am doing, because i am in a similar situation to you. for this year, 2018, i'm going to try and do absolutely everything with regards to feeling well and ok. so im reading a lot of things, and also i am practicing some breathing type mindful exercises.

i'm keeping my eye on my thoughts and trying to not get lost in them or go along with them down that road of negative thinking which ends with thinking/rumination about suicide

i have tried meds in the past and when they work they are really good. i have had some times where i took meds and they didnt work, or the side effects were too much of a problem, but that doesnt mean i am giving up on meds.
for me thats something i will try again this year depending on how i progress, or dont progress over the next few months

hopefully you wont give up just yet, because there really are lots of things to try. it doesnt matter how long you have felt bad for, eg. a week, or a couple of years, you are still standing so try some new avenues, at least then you have explored absolutely everything and did your very best
 
R

Roadfool

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#20
Some very smart and well constructed replies, and I thank you all for them. They're greatly appreciated.

My biggest hurdle at the moment is admitting that I need help and taking the first steps towards doing something about it.
My family are very traditional and old-fashioned and I'm pretty certain they wouldn't take my claims of depression seriously.
To add to this, my motivation to save myself just isn't there at the moment.