Pregnant and scared

[I_Was_Punished]

Hello i am new here. i am a 25 year old female from the UK and i really
need advice and support.

I have suffered with very bad anxiety, depression and bi polar since my late teens after i was abused by a close relative. I have also had a drink problem in the past although i have got that under control now. i have also been in an abusive relationship in the past which has not helped with my mental health.

When i was 21 i gave birth to a baby boy. i was also in the abusive relationship at the time, but he wasn't the father. the father was a short relationship i had and he did not have any interest in his child. Anyway i got very bad depression after my son was born. I loved him and i looked after him but i felt terribly depressed at the same time and i can't even explain why i felt so bad but my abusive boyfriend didn't help. Well when my son was 5 months old months old my sister decided to contact social services without telling me first because she felt that i needed their help. They got involved in my life and wanted to see if i was coping with my baby boy. They were concerned because of my mental health and the fact that i had a drink problem. They were concerned about my abusive boyfriend and they found out he had criminal convictions for drugs (something i didn't know about until they told me)

They took my son away because they were concerned that he was not safe with me because of my mental health issues, even though i had never harmed him, never would and i looked after him properly and i did everything i was supposed to the best i could. They were concerned about my boyfriend, even though i didn't know about his convictions and i also ended the relationship after i found out but they didn't care. i was punished for having mental health problems and i guess for choosing a bad partner...my son was adopted.

Now its been 4 years since the punishment was given to me, 4 years since my son was taken. My life has changed somewhat. i am in a much healthier relationship with a good man and we have discussed maybe getting married and i have a part time job. i no longer drink but i still suffer depression. i have to take meds and i am still having therapy. i have just found out i am pregnant again and i am terrified. I feel like i would like another child and another chance to be a parent, its not that i don't want a baby, i just don't want to have another child taken away from me.

I can't see my son until he is 18 but i get sent photos in the mail every 6 months and i am allowed to send cards and letters ( i have to sign them using my name and not allowed to use the word mum) for a long time after he was taken i felt angry because i felt it was not justified that i lost him, yes i did struggle at times but i just needed some support and i would have been fine, there was no need for them to take him away but i have learnt to live with it and i understand that they did what they thought was right so i don't feel angry anymore. i also know that i was vulnerable at the time and i didn't defend myself or fight to keep him hard enough because i was overwhelmed and didn't know how to cope or how to fight. the whole thing was very intimidating when i went to family court. But i've let go of some of the anger. But i still miss him and think about him everyday and it hurts that he is being brought up by someone else and i am missing it all. i will never experience seeing my child grow up and that hurts like hell, sometimes i can't stand it but i just live with it as best i can.

Anyway the point is, i would like another child, i don't care whether i have another boy or if i have a girl this time as long as they are healthy is the main thing. i just feel terrified by the thought of losing another child. My partner knows about my son and he knows how scared i am and he thinks we will be ok because this time i have him and he doesn't think social services will be bothered and he says even if they are he is going to make sure we all stay together. I know that i am able to bring up a child, i could have brought up my first one if people had supported me instead of punishing me, but this time i know i am in a stronger, better place

How can i overcome my fears? And if social services do become involved what should i do to prevent them taking another child away from me?

Any advice is welcomed, i really need it. i really need to feel less anxious. i want to be happy about having another baby, not scared.

 

[Fairy Lucretia]

hi I just wanted to welcome you and send love
Lu x

 

[JCPraha]

It is very difficult to overcome your fears, and your experience was and is terrible. However, I think it will work out well this time. You are in better condition, and your current partner sounds much better. It is a much more stable situation now. What happened in the past is extremely difficult. But this time it sounds much more promising. As difficult as the past has been, don't let it also define your future.

 

[Livebythesea]

Sending many many hugs to you for all that you have been through...I agree with the above post that your current relationship sounds healthier than maybe in the past. I don't know what the laws are where you are but is there some agency you can call, or maybe a therapist that can document how well you are etc in order to calm your fears and know that god forbid social services ever came you would be able to have some professional advisor vouch for you doing well?

When my husband and I were going through a very rough time I was advised to keep going to my therapist etc to show that if needed I was doing ok.

Congratulations on your baby on the way ...I tried so long for a baby. They're all miracles to me.

 

[I_Was_Punished]

Thanks for the replies. i am definitely in a better and more stable place now. Its unfortunate that i was in such a bad place when i had my son, if i had had him even just a year or so later it would have been a lot different i think and he would still be with me. But whats done is done

I try to move on and focus on the future, but its very hard to ignore that fact that i have a son out there who i can't see and can't be involved in his life. Wherever i go i see reminders. When i see a mother with her children, especially if they are little boys, its very hard because i just think how that should be me too but it isn't and i think about everything i'm missing out on. He is 4 now and should be in reception class at school. i think about how he is doing and how its someone else bringing him up instead of me.

But hey soon i will have another baby and this time it will be different, i just have to stay positive and i know it will work out right this time.