• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Posting again in case someone will see it this time *please respond if you can*

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worrywart_

Member
Joined
Jan 18, 2021
Messages
11
Location
United States
A couple of years ago, I went through a very heavy OCD-related breakdown. At the time, I was home constantly - taking school online - so I did not leave my house much and used all of that time to think pretty much.

*Let me preface this part by saying that, I am a very spiritual person and do believe in seeing “signs” from the universe or spirits. In the house I lived in prior to this, I had experiences with a haunting and it was very negative and draining for me- this is going to sound crazy, but I would use a pendulum to communicate with it whenever I felt like I needed reassurance for my OCD. When I moved a year later, I had thrown all connections to that away and tried to move on.*

Flash forward to another year of homeschool, but in the new house this time. [I was homeschooled for about 2 1/2 years due to not being able to handle going to school anymore.] I had to use my laptop for schoolwork of course, and this was at a time I was still paranoid about the spirit from my old house. Whenever I’d use it, I started to get this compulsion that I had to look for “messages” whenever I’d see a group of letters somewhere (aka, laptop). Eventually, I felt like the “messages” I was receiving started to sound too ominous regarding my OCD triggers and I took it as a reason to believe I was being told I had done something I had forgotten, and thus, needed to investigate. This didn’t just occur out of the blue and happened over a period of time where I’d “check” to see if something was telling me something.

Eventually, that morphed into me believing I was being told I had killed someone. —No voices in my head or anything like that, but basically a construction of a narrative from spiritual belief. In that year, over time, I would obsess over the news/look at cold cases/feel paranoid if a cop was behind us in the car/etc. And that turned into me having visuals added to the paranoia, along with having very very VERY strong feelings of going back to that “moment” and basically feeling ever thing you’d feel when going back to a memory. This progressed and worsened over time obviously- to the point that I felt like I was having intense flashbacks and spurts of recollection just like any memory would feel (what really boggles my mind is that I only see people with harm OCD talk about having images pop up in their mind, doubt, etc. so that sends me down another rabbit hole of worry). Here’s the kicker: despite feeling like I’ve had moments of realizing it’s a real memory, going back to “a” moment, feeling myself “be” there, etc — I have never once recalled any details of where I was, what exactly I was doing, what happened, or what the situation could’ve even logically looked like. And that led me down the path of worrying that I repressed a memory of harming someone.

Now, do keep in mind, I would have to have been 14 years old if this were to be a real occurrence (of me harming someone) and I was about 15-16 when I began having this false memory debacle. I say that because the only time I had harm OCD relating to murder was at 14 years old and it did heavily dissociate me, but I only remember feeling all of the symptoms of OCD and definitely not actually fantasizing about going to kill someone.

I just want to ask — has anyone had some sort of similar experience with false memories before!?? Where it feels like it takes real memory and completely fabricates a false moment? I feel so alone and lost, even almost 5 years later.

DISCLAIMER: I have received therapy for this issue, and while it has helped somewhat, I am extremely worried that he just assumes it’s like any other case — and I can’t tell if it’s not because I’ve never had anyone relate (not talking about the spiritual stuff, I am mostly speaking about the real-ness of how everything felt and how it is described). Also, no I do not have schizophrenia or anything that would cause delusions, I have been tested and evaluated by doctors and have only come back with anxiety, depression, and OCD.
 
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emerald_dragon

Member
Joined
Feb 22, 2021
Messages
6
Location
North America
Hi there! Thank you for sharing your story. I'm very new to this forum, but I'll share an experience that I had. When I was 6 years old, I felt that I was 'different' and could see things that other people couldn't see. I feel that I've always had a strong imagination. I also played mostly by myself, so I had created this large internal world to entertain myself. Whenever I would pass by a door, I would see this extremely thin column of light. I thought it was weird, so I looked at every other door in my house and saw the same column. I interpreted this situation by thinking I saw a 'ghost'. I was freaking out that my house was haunted and was too terrified to tell anyone because they would think I'm crazy. The 'realness' of it was that I really felt that I had a sixth sense that allowed me to experience the supernatural.

I was totally wrong. I learned later on that it was just refracted light from the slit of the door. Totally natural. No superpowers for me :( Framing this situation as an adult and being more aware of my very imaginative personality, I realized that I look too much into things. Sometimes, there is just no meaning to what happens around us. I know it sounds cliche, but science can explain a lot. Maybe your pendulum really couldn't communicate with the dead. Given how many letters can appear on a laptop screen, any person could find patterns purely by chance, such as messages that are not there. I totally respect that you have a spiritual perspective, but how about considering a scientific one as well? Regardless of an experience being normal or supernatural, the fear, the anxiety, doubt about your sanity, absolutely feel real and that's okay! Hope this helps :)
 
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worrywart_

Member
Joined
Jan 18, 2021
Messages
11
Location
United States
Hi there! Thank you for sharing your story. I'm very new to this forum, but I'll share an experience that I had. When I was 6 years old, I felt that I was 'different' and could see things that other people couldn't see. I feel that I've always had a strong imagination. I also played mostly by myself, so I had created this large internal world to entertain myself. Whenever I would pass by a door, I would see this extremely thin column of light. I thought it was weird, so I looked at every other door in my house and saw the same column. I interpreted this situation by thinking I saw a 'ghost'. I was freaking out that my house was haunted and was too terrified to tell anyone because they would think I'm crazy. The 'realness' of it was that I really felt that I had a sixth sense that allowed me to experience the supernatural.

I was totally wrong. I learned later on that it was just refracted light from the slit of the door. Totally natural. No superpowers for me :( Framing this situation as an adult and being more aware of my very imaginative personality, I realized that I look too much into things. Sometimes, there is just no meaning to what happens around us. I know it sounds cliche, but science can explain a lot. Maybe your pendulum really couldn't communicate with the dead. Given how many letters can appear on a laptop screen, any person could find patterns purely by chance, such as messages that are not there. I totally respect that you have a spiritual perspective, but how about considering a scientific one as well? Regardless of an experience being normal or supernatural, the fear, the anxiety, doubt about your sanity, absolutely feel real and that's okay! Hope this helps :)
This absolutely helped, thank you. While I do love researching spiritual beliefs and aligning my own with some of them, I’ve come to realize how dangerous it is for me to overanalyze such things. Looking at your reply, I’m reminded that it is good to give yourself reality checks when it comes to things like this. Thank you for your response and I hope you are having a lovely day/afternoon/night.
 
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emerald_dragon

Member
Joined
Feb 22, 2021
Messages
6
Location
North America
Anytime :) Take care of yourself. It sounds like you're going through a lot.
 
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