Post DBT struggles-rambling on sorry

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ChrisF88

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Jun 29, 2019
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Hi, I'm male, 31 and new to the forum.

I hope someone can relate to this and maybe give some advice please.

I have been in a rocky, on-off relationship since 2017 which ended around December/January. That was the last time we had contact.

When I first met her it felt like my world was finally complete. I'd previously been with someone for 7 years and never felt the way I did with this girl. She asked me to get help. At first I thought it was all her picking fault and it was just depression or my diabetes being out of whack like I'd been told by doctors. Part of me was also scared to admit I had issues, having just met someone that meant so much, the last thing I wanted was to be labelled as psycho. Also a man is supposed to be able to deal with these things themselves right?

I was also extremely jealous, something I hadn't experienced before. I tried to explain to her that I felt unable to believe she was with me and I wasn't good enough. Fear of losing her was terrible. It ended up with me being controlling and constantly assuming she was talking to someone else. I'd be worrying she was going to open her eyes and leave. I knew this was wrong but I just couldn't stop myself.

She had had enough several times but always gave me another chance. I had sorted myself out, or so I thought. I had been given countless different medications or increased amounts... most worked for a short time.... some made things much worse. On one particular tablet I threw a mug at my sister's head, something I felt instantly terrible about and regret to this day. I went back to my GP the next day and she changed tablets again and also made an appointment. From there I was assessed for autism, ADHD and an anxiety disorder.

Each time I felt ecstatic, I was finally getting an answer and could do something about this mess that I was in. None ever worked and just added to the depression I felt, making things ten times worse. She has said recently I should have got help when she asked and doesn't understand that the more I tried it seemed the further away I got and I gave up several times.

I made a promise to her last time that I would see it through. Several referrals have been made since, I was told I wasn't right for their service. Referred and then I was told it was just depression and I had munchausen syndrome. Physically I was unwell and had previously been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and celiac disease. Backwards and forwards to doctors again, told I should be controlling both those conditions better. I felt like it was all my fault and that didn't help my mood either. This lead to the downfall of our last attempt at a relationship.

Since then I have been diagnosed with pancreatic insufficiency and the enzyme replacement instantly made my feel back to myself physically and energy wise. It also stabilised my mental condition.

Eventually I was listened to and BPD was diagnosed.... I have said exactly the same things to various mental health professionals and only just got the diagnosis last December.

I hoped I could show this girl, named Heidi, that I could sort myself out. The need for constant reassurance and the fear of abandonment had gone. I asked someone to get in touch with her last month when my Nan died. I hoped she would be able to see how different I was after finally getting DBT and being in control of my emotions.

I am proud of myself how I handled her passing and the support I gave my family, especially my sister. She had depression and tried to end her own life while my nan was dying.

I felt many times like contacting her, showing her it was all worth it, everything I put her through. Since then I've found out she is in a new relationship and everything at first was fine. One comment I was shown of someone saying "I hope he looks after you and the girls" has crushed me.
I'm devastated, I loved her daughters like they were my own, especially the youngest. The eldest and I didn't see eye to eye all the time but I honestly tried my best. Even sat on the kitchen floor cutting out dress patterns late at night. There are so many good memories... but so many bad ones at the same time.

I hate this feeling I have that these emotions I feel now, the heartbreak etc is all just nonsense... because of this BPD label It's different, it feels real and I know I'm in control but still feeling terrible.

I am torn, I love Heidi completely and have accepted that if I can't be the one to make her happy, I still want to see her happy. I am obviously jealous that someone has the opportunity to have the same relationship with her daughter that I had though.

I have fought the urge to contact Heidi... last month she asked a group for advice about "how many times are you supposed to forgive, if the situation will cause you harm."

I know part of her still loves me but can't risk the same old thing happening again. I have thought many times about contacting her, putting all my feelings on the table, along with the effort I have made. I just wish she'd understand that, although I initially didn't get help, the effort it has taken to finally get the correct diagnosis... and I have done that off my own back, with no support required... as much as I would have loved to have some.

I guess my question (and I apologise this has been so long) is... how do I leave everything unsaid... and should I?

Should I leave any residual feelings she may have alone or should I at least say everything even if it changes nothing?
 
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Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
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Write her a letter and put it in a drawer. A week later read it and see if you feel the same. Put it back in the drawer. A week later repeat. Do this for a full month. If at the end of the month the letter still holds up, that you aren’t editing or changing it, send it to her.

Make sure you aren’t assigning blame. It’s not her fault, and it’s not yours. Focus on your progress.

And be prepared for the chance she may tell you it’s too late,
 
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ChrisF88

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Jun 29, 2019
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Location
Leicester, England
Write her a letter and put it in a drawer. A week later read it and see if you feel the same. Put it back in the drawer. A week later repeat. Do this for a full month. If at the end of the month the letter still holds up, that you aren’t editing or changing it, send it to her.

Make sure you aren’t assigning blame. It’s not her fault, and it’s not yours. Focus on your progress.

And be prepared for the chance she may tell you it’s too late,

Thank you for the advice and I hope my post made sense. It's hard for me to explain how I feel and so much has happened.

I don't blame her for anything. I understand fully why she feels she can't be with me. I wouldn't want someone like that either.

It's hard I guess to accept that she was thinking about forgiving me while still thinking of me as I was... I'm so much further forward now.

I think she sees BPD as it will never go away or get better and I'm a bad person
 
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Girl interupted

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Bpd doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Just that you had a rough childhood. While dbt seems to be effective in treating and regulating the emotions associated with bpd, I hope you are continuing to work on yourself with a regular therapist.

Bpd is an illness, it doesn’t define you. You are still you.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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May 20, 2019
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797
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Norfolk
Thank you for the advice and I hope my post made sense. It's hard for me to explain how I feel and so much has happened.

I don't blame her for anything. I understand fully why she feels she can't be with me. I wouldn't want someone like that either.

It's hard I guess to accept that she was thinking about forgiving me while still thinking of me as I was... I'm so much further forward now.

I think she sees BPD as it will never go away or get better and I'm a bad person
I have had many years of putting my wife through intolerable suffering, something I deeply regret and the reason behind my single focus to recover. I look at relationships like this. You are speaking a different language to somebody without BPD. So you either have to learn their language or they have to learn yours. It appears your language has been full of emotional reasoning, basing your decisions on purely your feelings. Your jealousy most probably stems from your low self esteem and self worth. You appear to have come so far so first of all remember BPD doesn’t make you a bad person, you just feel emotions more than other people. BPD is based on thoughts and thoughts can change so it’s not a life sentence either. You can go onto lead a perfectly normal life.
If you get a chance to explain your past thoughts feelings and behaviour to her in the future, and explain why you acted in the manner you did, I would. Maybe do write a letter? If you have strong feelings personally I would tell her, and tell her that you are there for her whenever the need arises. Wish her the best and hope. If you don’t ask you’ll never know.
 
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ChrisF88

New member
Joined
Jun 29, 2019
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Location
Leicester, England
I have had many years of putting my wife through intolerable suffering, something I deeply regret and the reason behind my single focus to recover. I look at relationships like this. You are speaking a different language to somebody without BPD. So you either have to learn their language or they have to learn yours. It appears your language has been full of emotional reasoning, basing your decisions on purely your feelings. Your jealousy most probably stems from your low self esteem and self worth. You appear to have come so far so first of all remember BPD doesn’t make you a bad person, you just feel emotions more than other people. BPD is based on thoughts and thoughts can change so it’s not a life sentence either. You can go onto lead a perfectly normal life.
If you get a chance to explain your past thoughts feelings and behaviour to her in the future, and explain why you acted in the manner you did, I would. Maybe do write a letter? If you have strong feelings personally I would tell her, and tell her that you are there for her whenever the need arises. Wish her the best and hope. If you don’t ask you’ll never know.

You hit the nail on the head... that's where it did stem from... a constant feeling of I wasn't good enough.

I do regret it... and I know I am better than that. I can't change the past but I can change the future :)
 
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ChrisF88

New member
Joined
Jun 29, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Leicester, England
Bpd doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Just that you had a rough childhood. While dbt seems to be effective in treating and regulating the emotions associated with bpd, I hope you are continuing to work on yourself with a regular therapist.

Bpd is an illness, it doesn’t define you. You are still you.
Yes... ongoing support is something I've had to fight for for a long time and I'm not giving that up. I don't know where you're from but in Leicester, access to support is horrendous.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Joined
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Messages
797
Location
Norfolk
You hit the nail on the head... that's where it did stem from... a constant feeling of I wasn't good enough.

I do regret it... and I know I am better than that. I can't change the past but I can change the future :)
You can indeed change the future. Unfortunately support and therapy is simply appalling across the UK. I’d recommend self help books on Mindfulness and DBT, they have been a godsend to me.
 
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