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Possible abandonment anxiety?

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taylornichol

New member
Joined
Jun 30, 2020
Messages
2
Location
United Kingdom
Hi everyone, thank you for taking the time to read this. I’m a 23 year old female. Around late last year I found out that my dad has another family. I’ve known that he has an affair since I was 12 or so but I never expected him to have kids with that woman so it absolutely tore me. The way he told me about it wasn’t helpful either, he just brought the kids to my apartment out of the blue one day. After that I fell into sort of a situational depression - I was sleeping a lot, I didn’t feel like doing anything, was barely eating.

That’s around the time my boyfriend came along. We’ve known each other for a long time and never got to see each other much as we both moved away from our hometown for uni. He called me up and asked if I wanted dinner, that was the day after my dad left my place after spending a night there with the kids. He asked if I was okay because I did not seem like my usual self, eventually I told him what happened and he took care of me. Looking back, I honestly don’t know what would’ve happened to me if he wasn’t there with me. Eventually we started dating.

Things at home are messy now. My mum moved out recently, and I try not to go home if possible. I live with my grandparents and when I went home a few weeks ago my grandmother kept going on and on about how I should help my parents reconcile, and that I should “fix their marriage”. I cried so many times when I went home, home isn’t even home anymore, I just wanted to leave.

My boyfriend has his own apartment but most of the time he stays with me at my place, and everytime when he needs to go back to his place for a few days whether it be for work or because his friends are coming over, I cry. I know he’s only going for a few days, and I know he’s only about 20 minutes away, but I can’t help it and I don’t know why I’m acting this way. I know it’s my problem because he has given me plenty of reassurances, he’s always there when I need someone. I don’t even know why I cry when he needs to go because I was always very independent and really liked living alone.

I apologize for the long post. Any replies will be very much appreciated, thank you. Take care!
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
6,868
Location
UK
Hi taylornichol! Welcome to the forum,

My goodness, what a terrible shock for you. So much to emotionally process without any warning.

The way you react when your boyfriend goes home is totally understandable. He caught you as you fell, following the shock of your dad's revelations - and he's been holding you together ever since. He sounds a lovely person and he's clearly given you security and comfort...of course, it's going to be terrifying when that support is taken away.


I don't think this is anything to do with your relationship - it's more about healing from the trauma you've been through. You are still an independent person but when he goes home for a few days, you're left with a reality that you haven't come to terms with yet. Your family unit was literally blown apart and now your sense of security and being grounded is tied up with your boyfriend.


I know support is hard to come by during this pandemic but you might really benefit from some counselling. Meantime, try and talk with your family and work through the emotions that your dad's new family have caused. I think there's a huge amount of unexpressed shock and pain there. Your boyfriend arrived in your life at just the right time to create a wonderful distraction but all your grief is still under the surface and when he goes home, you're left on your own with it. :hug: x
 
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