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POSS TRIGG = Waiting, wondering, decisions

sunflower

sunflower

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Mar 23, 2011
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412
Been waiting for a bed to come up in psych unit for nearly a week now. Still no news. Initially, is an elective week, but needs discussing once in. I've been really suicidal and planning funeral etc. To get me through this past week, and stop me acting on suicidal thoughts, I've been SH'ing / embedding quite severely. I don't want to get the offending items taken out. Meets too much of a need for me. Got other stuff going on which is really complicated and I'm just done in. Can't cope any more. Told my care co-ord and she's been great. She's made some phone calls and gonna make sure I don't need to attend any appts on my own. Has phoned me every day with an update. It's all about seperating from my hubby and finding a new home for myself, where I can work on trying to get myself a bit more better. The kids will come stay at weekends.

Apparently I'm on the reserve list for a bed, but I just feel like I've been forgotten. Not sure if there's any likelihood of getting one over the weekend. Am spending the day isolated in my room. Not doing the things that are meant to help.

I feel at the moment that the pain and risk of infection is taking the edge of things for me. I'm just wondering if I do go into psych unit, whether they can make me go and get them taken out should they find out about them? I plan on keeping them hidden, but my care co-ord knows so will be on my file. I know everyone's advice is that they need to come out asap, but I'm sure everyone out there who SH's will understand my reluctance. xxxx
 
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amathus

amathus

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goodness knows!
Hi, you are obviously aware how very dangerous the form of self harm you are experimenting with is..the risk of infection is very high....if your care-co-ordinator is aware of this , then undoubtedly, if you do go into hospital then she would be obliged to report it, I would have thought.
I understand the anxieties you are going through with SH, but would urge you to remove any foreign bodies as soon as you can, safely.

qf.
 
angiebib1976

angiebib1976

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Hi Sunflower

I understand what you mean about wanting to keep them hidden, but whilst they are inside you they will be causing all sorts of damage - both physically and mentally.
You obviously want to get better, or you wouldn't be electing to go and get help.
Whilst these things are inside you - you are mentally clinging to what they signify to you, and that will make your healing process so much harder.
In order for you to make the fresh start on the road to recovery, you need to let go of them and get them removed.
I don't need to tell you the damage they may be causing physically. You are obviously an intelligent and capable woman.
Please get them removed when you get admitted hun.

Take Care

Angie :hug:
 
calypso

calypso

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Hiya

I agree wiht Angie. The whole point of going into hospital is to try to get you through the worst of your episode. That will mean removing them, I would have thought, and then working on what it is that they mean to you. You can't get better with them in you. I know that scares you, but that is needed I'm afraid. xx
 
sunflower

sunflower

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Mar 23, 2011
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Thank you everyone for your comments. I know you're right. They do need to come out, but I'm clinging on to them 'mentally' because they're stopping me doing worse ie. attempting suicide. My life is so unstable at the moment, it's the one thing I feel I can control that gives me some form of relief/satisfaction.

Knowing how my illness can manifest itself, I know at some point I'll be ready to and able to let myself get them seen to. But not yet. And the fact that they're sore and infected satisfies my BPD 'filter'. It's getting what it wants.

You may laugh at this, but I'm actually scared to go get them taken out cos I know it will hurt, and cos it's a hurt I'm not inflicting on myself for psychological reasons, it's different.

Thank you for your support and take care. Will do my best to get through the next few days without making things worse, and then aim to 'deal with it' in some way or another, next week, when hopefully I'll have the admission to cushion the 'fall'. xxxx
 
angiebib1976

angiebib1976

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Big ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

I hope you get them sorted out soon hun.
Let us know how you get on.

Angie
 
sunflower

sunflower

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Mar 23, 2011
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412
Thank you hunny. Helps to talk it through. xxxx
 
piglet

piglet

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Hiya hun, sorry you are feeling like this at the moment :hug:

I agree with what has been said already, you need to get them looked at and removed properly. In the mean time to help with infection try putting on a salt water compress (1/4 teaspoon sea salt and 8oz water), leave it on for about 5 mins. This is only a temporary measure so it does still need seeing by a doctor.

Take care hun
 
sunflower

sunflower

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Mar 23, 2011
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412
Got elective admission 2 days ago, on condition I got arms seen to. Had to have op today, under general anaesthetic.

Head f**k is really hard to deal with. Leave me alone f**k off f**k off f**k off. No-one can see u and I can't tell people about you or what you're like, but you're there and very real. You play hide and seek. You hide from them and seek me. How do I even begin to tell them about you? Should I tell them about you?

On 15 min obs too:( Written loads of stuff down I want to psych to read before I go into ward round Tues. He has to know. I have to make him understand. He has to believe me......
 
sunflower

sunflower

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Mar 23, 2011
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412
He tried to make me read it. I couldn't. Wasn't playing his stupid games. Am out of hosp now. Cut myself off from the rest of my care team. Know what you're all probably thinking. Idiot. Well I'm an idiot no longer because I know now. And he WILL realise his mistake.
 
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