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POCD ruining my relationships. I know Im not supposed to seek reassurance but someone please help me

H

HelpMe1991

New member
Joined
Oct 29, 2014
Messages
1
POCD ruining my relationships. I know Im not supposed to seek reassurance but someone please help me

Hi I'd like to start out by saying Ive been a boy crazy girl for as long as I can remember & when I have actual fantasy's they're about ADULT men & women (mostly men). I'm a 23 year old female & Ive suffered from OCD since I was about seven years old. The first obsession I can remember was about my father. I would have terrible intrusive thoughts about him being naked & us being together in an inappropriate way. This went on for some time causing SEVERE anxiety & moderate avoidance of my dad, until I told my mother which helped until I started obsessing a few months later wondering if my parents gave me a sex change at birth and I was really a boy. Then I questioned whether I truly existed or if my life was illusion. These were my pre-adolescent obsessions, which caused severe distress until it went into remission. Only being noticed again around 15, where my fear of being attracted to my dog started & my obsessive fear about pedophilia. But wasn't as severe until it ramped up after I got pregnant at 16, after the birth of my first child it was awful for months, and has been in and out of remission since then. But now getting to recent events, I recently had a new baby. And the POCD has been worse than EVER. Invading my dreams & making me completely unable to cope. Ive always had groinal responses but never thought much of them, so they were minimal and never bothered me. Until one day I had this thought, "what else could it be besides arousal?" And BAM! Panic attack! There they were worse than ever, taking over every aspect of my life. Stealing joy out of every moment with my new child and my older one. And in my dreams Ill have a flash of a teddy bear or the word "child" or a quick vision of my own child and BAM! Spontaneous orgasm. In the few moments of thinking rationally after these dreams occur, I know its the thought of an orgasm thats really bringing it on. But I cant convince myself of this!! I wake up feeling HORRIBLE, repulsed, evil. It results in an ENTIRE day of rumination. Its destroying my relationship with my kid & starting to prevent one with my baby. I wont even bathe him unless someone else is around. Fear rules my life. Ive NEVER had orgasms in my dreams before about anything but sex with adults. Where I wake up feeling satisfied & it sort of perks up my day. But THIS?!? These orgasms are being triggered by what I fear most? I dont understand why this is happening its destroying my life. Sorry for the novel, so lost today.
 
Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

Former member
Joined
Feb 11, 2013
Messages
8,421
Location
under the Forum Troll bridge
Hi and :welcome:

Sorry you are suffering so much. I am not sure how to help tbh but I hope you find posting on here helpful

Are you having any treatment for this?
 
C

Chris81

Member
Joined
Nov 5, 2014
Messages
6
Been there myself. Both POCD and HOCD. PM me if you need to talk.. I also have a couple of strategies that I use to overcome the OCD.

It will get better.

C
 
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