POCD or not?! I don't know who I am anymore!

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confusedandscared

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Aug 30, 2015
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Hi.

I'm a 19 year old girl and I was diagnosed with OCD, anxiety and depression nearly 2 years ago now. I used to love kids, couldn't wait to have my own and everyone used to say how good I was with them. Then one day I was watching makeup tutorials by younger girls, for some reason I just liked watching them and then I suddenly had the thought - Oh my god does this make me a paedophile?! So I got so so scared and upset by it and told my parents who thought I was crazy and took me to the doctor. He said it was my hormones and if it got worse to come back. So eventually it got unbearable to the point where I started self harming so I went back on my own this time (I was 17 at the time) and was referred to the counselor who then diagnosed me with OCD. I had CBT for about 4 months and to be honest it didn't help very much. It only really seems to get better when I'm in uni as I don't have time to think about it.
Now 2 years on it's still here. I hate it so so much!! I feel so alone because I can't talk to my parents about it and also feel really really guilty as I don't feel like I deserve any love or anything they do for me because I could be some kind of monster. I keep thinking I have gotten to the bottom of the feelings, realise that I don't ever want to act on my thoughts, feel better for a bit and then as soon as I see a child I check to see how I feel round them and it comes back full circle. I feel like in my head, I hate saying this but harming them would "feel nice" which I HATE saying and I hate myself so much for thinking it but the stupid thought is there, even then I know I would never do anything to harm a child. I had a horrible image today of a family friend I've know since she was born who is only around 10 and I had the thoughts and I completely freaked out and broke down and now feel so so so awful. Although It has also helped me in some ways as I've realised NO WAY would I ever want to harm her and the idea repulses me. I'm just so confused, scared and alone and really don't know what to do. I wish I could go back to before I had any thoughts like this. I couldn't wait to have children, now I'm terrified of babysitting let alone have my own. Please can anyone offer some support or advice? Am I a terrible person?! :(
 
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staticSeekingDynamics

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I want to say that you are absolutely not alone. I was similarly tormented by such intrusive thoughts. People tried saying reassuring things like if you were a danger you wouldn't be bothered by it so much. Sadly that relief was too short. I finally mustered the courage to do some research abt OCD therapists and called a clinic... I actually specified my obsession so as to get someone with experience. That was very hard, but after a few months of working with her, well I manage most days. We did exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy along with talking. It really helped. Instead of constant daily torture, I have a moment of panic here or there that quickly fades. If only I could deal so well with the rest of my anxiety. I wish I could share things I learned in that process but I fear dwelling on this subject.
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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feeling the same awful strange strong actions too i would like to harm others greatky and I a sure I would gain great pleasure from the knowledge that I have hurt them and the thoughts of would they be stronger and better than I am would they cope better and have a better life or suffer in silence for so so long and torture themseleves every day - it does give me guilt but also strange comfort in the knowledge that someone would be suffering as greatly as I am.....its awful I know please ease our pain
 
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firemonkee57

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I am not dxed but have had these feelings. In my head thinking children were handsome/pretty translated into " You have paedophilic tendencies " . When I walk out I always feel uneasy if I pass children as though my antipsychotic has reduced the thoughts in most other scenarios - that still has the power to affect me.
I think you are very brave talking about it. A lot of people don't understand the distress it causes having such thoughts.
 
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misssadness

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Hello confusedandscared and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear how much you are struggling with these intrusive and unwanted thoughts. The problem with OCD is it forces us to have thoughts that make us unhappy and they are out of control. You are not a bad person or a danger. It is your mind just giving you a hard time over this. These are just thoughts and thoughts do not do any harm. I often have thoughts like I want to punch somebody in an annoying advert but I would never really do it. These thoughts do not make us bad people. You are so brave to talk to openly about this. I really hope you can have some therapy to help you address these thoughts and try to deal with them. :hug:
 
-Phoenix-

-Phoenix-

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Hi confusedandscared,

First off, you are not a bad person. I can relate to what you've said though my own thoughts tend to be more of the violent variety (could be a male thing). Take a look at this video on intrusive thoughts. Be warned that pink elephants get a mention. Psychologists do love their pink elephants :D:






Anyway, from the video summary:

You cannot control whether thoughts come into your head - they just arrive there.

You can control what you decide to do with them once they are in there.

The more you try not to have the thoughts, the more likely you are to have them.

You get to decide what you make of the thoughts.

---


A few years ago I was in pretty much the same situation. Tormented by all these inappropriate thoughts. The way I managed to overcome the problem was to first realise the above - that these thoughts cannot be stopped but we can choose the way in which we react to them. We have that power to choose.

Another major thing I did was to get out there and confirm that the thoughts are nonsense. Which is the Exposure Therapy. So for instance, I had a fear of holding my baby nephew and niece because I kept having thoughts that I may harm them.

Once I started holding them in my arms I realised how ridiculous these kinds of thoughts are. It's said that OCD sufferers are the least likely to act on their thoughts for the very reason that they find the thoughts so repulsive. I think this is true.

I still get intrusive thoughts occasionally, but not nearly as frequently. And when they appear, it's simply a matter of "Oh, this again :rolleyes:", a neutral reaction towards the thought, then the thought dissolves away.

In the beginning it does take some courage. And it also takes time. But I'd suggest seeking out a psychotherapist that specialises in OCD if possible. CBT can help but I also think Exposure Response Therapy combined with the CBT can make a massive difference.

Good luck to you.
 
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confusedandscared

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Hi. Thank you so much for replying. It really is comforting knowing others are going through the same thing. Yeah I'm waiting to hear back from the doctors as to when i can see the counselor next and start up my CBT again so hopefully I can't start getting through it. My brain is so messed up at the moment, my mind is constantly racing and I'm so scared in case I'm becoming or have become a paedophile :( anyway thank you for replying and I totally understand that you wouldn't want to share certain things don't worry! I wish you all the best.
 
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FrightenedbyEverything

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I dunno if you're still on or not, but I used to have the same problems as you do. I keep having these terrible thoughts about myself. Stuff about me in my teen years purposefully getting the ages of people wrong so I could masturbate to them, etc. Sometimes I have a hard time seeing them as false memories, but I pray every day they are. But with every new memory I dig up, the real ones, I come to understand that isn't true. No matter how much your OCD riddled mind wants you to think so.
 
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confusedandscared

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I dunno if you're still on or not, but I used to have the same problems as you do. I keep having these terrible thoughts about myself. Stuff about me in my teen years purposefully getting the ages of people wrong so I could masturbate to them, etc. Sometimes I have a hard time seeing them as false memories, but I pray every day they are. But with every new memory I dig up, the real ones, I come to understand that isn't true. No matter how much your OCD riddled mind wants you to think so.
Hi, I don't come on here anymore but got the email notification of your reply. I'm so sorry you're suffering with this. I too believe it or not have relapses every so often, I am just recovering from one now in fact. What i've learnt is that if you persist with what you know and treat anything that feels like it is OCD as OCD, it does get better. I have been struggling for the last 5 months now and finally saw a therapist i clicked with so am now back on track. You can be too, are you getting CBT?
 
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Fortysomething

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I went through this as well. You are not a monster. A book that helped me was The Mindlefulness Workbook for OCD. It is by Jon Hershfield. Also listen to the OCD stories with Jon Hershfield and Stu. I am so sorry you are going through this but it can get better.
 

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