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G

Gukosan

New member
Joined
Dec 15, 2017
Messages
1
Bear with me, please.
I've been depressed since I was a kid, ive never really had one of those happy moments and no I had no friends, I used to be lonely by nature though smart at school. Dad abusing of my mother and I was awful(we're away from him now). I'm gay, I used to talk to a lot of straight guys, but learnt the harsh way that shouldn't be done, always no matter which way rejected. Got my stuff right at least a bit and then, came my friends. I befriend them at the age of 17 and we always had "fun" but I was always nervous and anxious around them(they know I'm gay though and they're okay with it). But I just do feel what I do. Hadn't gone out/ talked anyone now for a YEAR from home. I feel empty, no motivation, I'm not inspired by anything too and I always crave for a tight hug not by family or friends, just a guy whose shoulder I can lean on, any random(albeit never did hug) except for friends when they pat on shoulder, not lately tho. And I don't work, I have literally phobia of work. Every time I hear "work" I get a kind of nervous heart beating, and unconsciously runaway from it, worked twice and quit after 2 weeks. I always wanted to study astronomy since young literally love space, but now nothing. My mum is sad, my family is sad. I'm sad, I want to do something and I say I will but im scared, and I feel like I'm only holding on to life for my family not to be even sadder and maybe just a cm size of hope.
Anti-depressants are not common in my country, neither is going to the doctor for depression, so I hadn't and can't.
I'm 20. No university. No work. No romance. No money(only thru family). I read novels almost all my time.
Am I that useless? I feel pathetic.. i just want to be free.
 
Last edited:
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
7,730
Location
NZ
You are struggling and sounds like you have a lot on your shoulders life can be better. Can you see someone a therapist you say its hard to see a doctor can you try to get in contact with a health professional?
No you certainly arent pathetic at all. You have a lot to cope with.
Do keep posting this is a great place of support without judgement,
all the best,
megirl xx
 
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