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Please tell me if Im being ridiculous or not

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biggerdandy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 5, 2014
Messages
196
Ok, I seem to be at loggerheads with my family at the moment and it feels very difficult to deal with.

For a long time, they were arguing and fighting all the time, and it impacted on me in a lot of ways despite not being directly involved (a lot of it I think is the roots of my depression) but they also treated me quite unfairly, often taking out their aggression for each other on me if nobody else was around, expecting me to clean up after them or ;be strong and supportive' for them, telling me I didnt have the right to be upset about it, even though theyre behaviours effected my home and education life. It's been a few years since, but I still feel after effects, mostly because they havent seemed to have learnt anything about how to handle conflict.

To put some perspective here, my family found out I have depression and then tell me that they 'forbid' me from taking anti-depressants because they buy into the stigma around them. They dont seem to realize that they may help when combined with the CBT and other treatments I have, because those alone arent seeming to be enough.

I actually came out to my mum about being trans, and she demanded that I 'find a way to compromise with being male.' well, what if that's not enough? What if that's not what I need? They seem awful attached to specific outcomes, regardless if it is right for me. I'll come back to this point in a bit, but here's something I noticed recently


It's been my mos critical week of university on a post graduate masters program, and sadly. my brother utterly destroyed my mothers car's engine. My brother seems to have serious trouble organizing himself, remembering things and behaves incredibly impulsively. We don't know what's up but here's where things start to look unfair to me.

My brother acts in ways that can be quite aggressive, from shouting and physical acts of violence, to passive aggressive behaviors and being rude. My parents keep going on about how 'we cant get upset with him, he's got problems that we dont understand.' See that's all well and good, but then when he leaves the house, my dad lashes out at me and causes me an anxiety attack, and then wont apologize. He behaved so horribly to me this week I couldnt eat or sleep for days because he set off my panic mode and Ive had to scramble over the last two days with uni to sort an extension to my modules.

What do my parents have to say

'Well that's just us and we can't change how we behave or who we are.' (Going back to their attitudes about my gender, that stinks of double standards) and then they say 'well you're just going to have to learn to not have anxiety and get upset, your dad's nice deep down' like that excuses being aggressive to me when all I do is ask what's happened and why mum looks upset and he yells at me over my brothers behavior like its my fault?

When I explain that I feel awful they make excuses how the way I feel is 'my depression talking, and isnt anything to do with how they made me feel'

my own mother told me that I'm 'a problem to talk to and make things hard to deal with.'

They dont even know whats up with my brother and come out with every excuse under the sun. I just gotta deal with things and be who they want me to be.


Please tell me Im not going insane, because honestly they act like theres something wrong with me and not them, and that their behaviour is fine. Is their behavior ok? Cause right now Im having doubts about everything. I feel wound up and aggressive and if Im threatened again I dont trust myself not to react
 
In the Clouds

In the Clouds

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
1,892
Location
England
I think they're being very unfair on you, but perhaps they just don't understand? You are not going insane and you're not at fault. :)
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
I think it sounds to me as if you might be the scapegoat.

In my own family, there are similar dynamics that go on.
I've got a very abusive older brother and while my parents are very supportive of me, they don't deal with his behaviour at all.
And so it's not uncommon for my Dad in particular to be pissy and short-tempered with me as a way of transference and not having to deal with the 'real' issue.

I wonder if because your behaviour isn't violent, unpredictable and more 'passive', you parents think it's safer to direct their frustrations towards you as means of releasing their upset and confusion about your brother. :unsure:

I'm really sorry to hear of their lack of support around your gender issues and also their opinions around anti-depressants.
I wish you had some more support around you and you weren't made to feel that you're the one with the problem - because you really aren't.

One thing I will say is that people's ignorance is simply just ignorance.. it's not intended in a spiteful way because they know no better.
I'm certainly not defending your family and the way they treat you. I just think for your own peace of mind that you have to remember that they probably aren't very educated or aware of the issues you're struggling with at all. :hug1:
 
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