please tell me how to stop caring

[Miliana]

Hello again to the members of the forum,
I hope some will read my story.

All my bad thoughts came back to me with the previous terrible events happening.
I went outside once and I just remembered how scared and nervous I am around people, I am pretty sure I have social anxiety especially with strangers but now it became worse.
I feel like people hate me so much, even on social media where I actually have some friends. I feel like I am a bad person and if I'm not I'd hate that someone will think that I am.
I'm pretty sure people judge me for my appearance, my way of talking, etc
And with the current events I am terribly ashamed to say that I am frightened of being misjudged by a POC/Black person since I'm white, even though I know that I am/was always anti-racist and I ofc agree with the fact that Black people have all the rights in the world to be angry. I know it's white fragility/guilt.
Besides, I always had a goal that a cherished in all my hard times but now I am completely lazy to accomplish it and I'm just thinking it's stupid. I lost all motivation and time has stopped.
I feel like I don't deserve anything, and that since I think that I am a terrible person who everyone hates, I did self harm again (the last time I did it was 3 months ago) because I need to be hurt and punished.
I do it regularly to suffer since I don't deserve to be happy, that I am terrible, and hated by everyone and mostly myself.
And the worst thing is that my birthday is the 19, so in 2 days I just want to die already knowing that I'll be seen as the "important" one..

I posted that here because I was doing fine a few days ago, and i want to be like that again.
I feel selfish for always thinking about what others people thinks about ME.
Can you give me some advice how to just don't care about what people thinks about me ? I have a loving immigrant family, and real nice friends in real life and online, I was doing great in my life goal...
I just don't understand why do I care about people who doesn't know I exist and will never see me again ? Please..

 

[Zoe1]

Can you give me some advice how to just don't care about what people thinks about me ?

I think its more important what you think of them

so many people get caught up in this
what is important is what you think of yourself
and what you think of the other person

and whether the other person is good for you

if they are not good for you , might be best to move on