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Please talk me out of it

prairiechick

prairiechick

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I wish I could say what I went out and bought in order to self harm. I wish I could say precisely what I want to do with what I bought, and what effects I want to accomplish with my implement.

I've been holding off for so long, and I don't know if I can hold off anymore. If I hurt on the outside I don't have to feel the pain on the inside. That's what Susanna Kaysen said in the movie Girl Interrupted, and it's true, for a short time anyway. I don't even know why I hurt on the inside anymore. I don't know what the pain is all about anymore. I just want it to stop.

I don't know if anyone is even going to read this tonight, because in the UK it is almost 4 a.m.
 
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MarlieeB

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What has happened to make you feel so bad that you feel you can't hold off any longer?

Did you have therapy today?

xxx
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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I don't know what the pain is about anymore. I had therapy. My therapist was tired because she had trouble sleeping last night and I think she has had too much stress recently. Her aunt died a couple of weeks ago and I feel like my therapist isn't emotionally available right now because she is grieving and all I could think about during the neurotherapy treatment today was about feeling like a burden on my therapist. I didn't sleep great last night either. I woke of at 3:30 a.m. and didn't fall asleep after that.

I don't think anything is going to help my depression and anxiety and insomnia. I am going to have this disease until the day I die. It's never going to get any better and every day of my fucking life is going to be a fucking battle. Why can't I just be happy like other people?
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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There is hope.

I have been feeling lots better after years of crippling depression.

How about you take just 15 minutes and go make up your bed fresh to be a haven for good sleep?
A sensual pleasure and a welcome sanctuary.

I will be up for awhile.
 

MarlieeB

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I'm sorry that your therapist seems to kinda be disconnected at the moment. You said you have another session this week didn't you? Maybe she will get some decent sleep before then and you will feel more connected then :hug1:

The therapy, before all of what went on during the weeks you weren't seeing her was making you feel better wasn't it?

You will get through this patch PC. At the moment it seems that you won't but you will. It's hard releasing all that emotion and feeling that you have had nothing back, not even a glimmer but it will come, sometimes it's a tough, shit battle but it will.

You will have the days where the battle is too much but hopefully soon, there will be more good days than bad days.

Well done for not going and buying all that stuff at the chemist. I know you do have a SH tool but please, try your best not to use it. You may not see it right now but that was a massive victory, resisting buying all that stuff earlier. Keep on telling yourself that.

Please try your best not to self harm and if (and that is a big if) you do please keep it safe.

xxxx
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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She's going to a concert tonight with niece, for her niece's birthday, so I doubt she is going to be any less tired tomorrow.
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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I can't relax in bed right now. I am too tense, too much anxiety. When I have insomnia bed is a torturous place to be.
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

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I can't relax in bed right now. I am too tense, too much anxiety. When I have insomnia bed is a torturous place to be.

Trying to fight insomnia is a viciously repeating circle pc, you must know that.

-

(I hate the idea, but I reluctantly have one) - do you have a TV /DVD in your room?

If you have, put a DVD on, something that you know and like, so it's not mentally stimulating. Watch it, but in a comfy position. The worst that can happen is still awake but having something to take your mind off it.

If you haven't then just get up, make a hot drink and sit on your sofa/chair, and watch in the lounge (with a cover) and get comfy. Even a couple hours on the sofa can is good if you doze off.

:)

:sleepy2:
 

MarlieeB

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I personally try to read before I go to bed. If I'm tired within a chapter my eyes are going.

I find it relaxes my mind enough to dose off.
 
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prairiechick

prairiechick

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I just watch Netflix on my laptop. But I usually need time to unwind after watching tv. I guess watching Breaking Bad wasn't doing me any favours, but I've watched th whole thing now so I'm on to more tame things like animal documentaries with David Attenborrough. I haven't harmed. I felt so deflated when I got home from my shopping trip
Trying to fight insomnia is a viciously repeating circle pc, you must know that.

-

(I hate the idea, but I reluctantly have one) - do you have a TV /DVD in your room?

If you have, put a DVD on, something that you know and like, so it's not mentally stimulating. Watch it, but in a comfy position. The worst that can happen is still awake but having something to take your mind off it.

If you haven't then just get up, make a hot drink and sit on your sofa/chair, and watch in the lounge (with a cover) and get comfy. Even a couple hours on the sofa can is good if you doze off.

:)

:sleepy2:
 
C

cally75

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I just watch Netflix on my laptop. But I usually need time to unwind after watching tv. I guess watching Breaking Bad wasn't doing me any favours, but I've watched th whole thing now so I'm on to more tame things like animal documentaries with David Attenborrough. I haven't harmed. I felt so deflated when I got home from my shopping trip
How about emotional blackmail? Meaning I'll fall out with u if I can't help & u do something silly!! Is that working for ya?!!
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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How are things now?
I'm just catching up on the forum and can see you were in a really bad way last night... i'm hoping you managed to keep safe and that things are a bit calmer now? x
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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Feeling anxious about therapy this afternoon. I am leaving in a few minutes.
 
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