- Feb 13, 2019
Am new to the forums but somewhat glad I have come across this website. In fact, if I am being honest this is my first time sharing what I must go through every day. So, I am glad that I can at least let people know what I go through and just paint a vivid image in their head of my sad perspective of life. Now before I even begin doing that, I just want to state that I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. That is not why I am sharing this, I just want people’s opinions on what I should do or perhaps maybe identify what on earth is wrong with me. I get so anxious literally the moment I step my foot past my door, I feel like my body becomes tense almost instantly not at the thought of me leaving the house but more so on the idea that I may walk past a stranger and get judged. Now I know what you’re thinking. I just probably have social anxiety or something. But honestly, I think it is far worse than just “social anxiety” every step I take my body becomes stiffer and my nerves begin to get worse. I just want to take you into my thought process quickly. If I happen to be walking and someone is walking towards my direction. I start to think to myself do I look like an idiot? Do I Look like a re**rd? Where am I supposed to look? Do I make eye contact? Do I stare straight ahead and not make eye contact? And so on. This is literally every person I walk past. This is what I am always thinking. I try dismissing these thoughts as maybe it is just inside my head. But that is very hard to believe when I feel like the other person, I am walking past smirks or looks at me in a strange way as if he is looking at a drug junkie or someone along those lines. Which is extremely frustrating and worsens my anxiety. But aside from this, I have realized that I struggle to talk to people because it just seems very awkward. For example, if I happen to be talking to someone only because I am forced to do so. I will often never look them in the eye when speaking to them. Which may make it seem that I am not interested in what they are saying. But that is far from the truth since I am just scared of what they are thinking of me. In fact, this is so bad that often if someone is talking to me, I am so deep within my head making a list of every possible insult that the person may be thinking when interacting with me. That I may miss key points within what they are saying which results in me asking them to repeat themselves or just me responding with generic responses since I didn't properly hear what they had said or am so nervous to the point where I am willing to say anything to quickly end the conversation as fast as possible. If I am sitting in lesson with a class, I am unfamiliar with I will often try sit in the back or anywhere I can hide my face so people can’t see me. If that Is not possible, I will sit at the place with the least amount of attention. If a teacher is explaining something on the board, I will often look at the board for a good number of seconds before looking away since my face feels stiff (even though I know I should be paying attention). To be honest the default place I will often be looking when in class is always on the table with my arms on my face for the majority of the time. Occasionally looking at the board from time to time. I do this because I don’t want to make eye contact with anyone. Since it may look like me staring. There are other scenarios too where I struggle greatly. Perhaps all of it is to do with social interactions. It’s just frustrating because I still feel like I can’t describe what I feel or the pain I go through in words. But I just want to quickly list a few scenarios and maybe someone here can hopefully at least tell me what the norm is. If I am forced to wait in a hallway with several students where am I supposed to be looking the floor? straight up? (because apparently if am looking at the floor I can still see within my field of view students glancing at me now and then most likely judging me. (also using a phone isn’t an option too) Also another scenario is if someone is sitting directly in front of me facing towards me at the other side of the desk with a group of people around (group work) where am I supposed to look, I don’t know anymore please someone help me! Do I just stare at the person who is talking within the group?. If so, how long? What about if he is on the left of me do, I look at him still or do I look straight ahead? These are the basic stuff I struggle with. If someone can please explain to me, I would greatly appreciate it thank you . And one more if I notice someone is paying attention to me, I won’t be able to function properly as if I am temporarily impaired. I have no troubles interacting with friends. But the only time I may have trouble doing so is if I am in a social environment where I feel like people are starring at me then I wont be able to talk to my friends properly since my head will be on what people are thinking of me.