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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Please someone help me :(

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maria

Member
Joined
May 10, 2010
Messages
6
Hi, I'm sorry if my english is not good, i'm from greece. Also i'm so sorry if you hate me after everything i'm going to say, i understand, i hate myself too more than anything. I think i'm cursed, I think i've come into this world just to suffer and make everyone close to me suffer too. I've always been like that, only it gets worse as the years go by. When i was a child everyone called me a whinner and i was crying to my father and telling him that years go by too quickly and then we die, i kept seeing nightmares every night with demons, decapitated white horses, one eyed demon dogs, ghosts all the scary paranormal stuff. I remember 2 specific dreams i kept having over and oer again. I remember when i was still sleeping in the cradle, i kept seeing this pyramid shaped huge being coming to me everytime and i had to kneel infront of him and not watch, that always happened before i started dreeming anything else. When i was a little bit older i kept dreaming every now and then of a scary blonde boy who kept following me and he told me his name was "self" or "myself" (i'm not sure which is the right word). Later i told my neighboor that when i am 16 years old aliens r going to come and take me away, i didn't actually believed that but i was wishing for it so much that i thought that if i make ppl believe it and if i make myself believe it it may happen. Ofcourse it didn't. When i was a teenager i started feeling even more depressed and I started hating people. Nobody ever liked me they all thought i was weird, i made 2 friends only because they approached me, but they were using me all the time, i am the only reason they finished school because i kept doing their homework and kept explaining to them the best way i could everything that we were taught in school. After school they all dissapeared. Then i went to the university to become a vet. Things got worse and worse. I was trying to be good and kind to all, and all they did was sticking papers and stuff on my back, ruining my experiments, making fun of me and things like that. I stopped studying and all i cared about was to find the meaning of life, the truth of existence, who else is out there. I had this urge since i was a child. First i turned to christianity because i thought since so many ppl believe that maybe it's the truth. All i found there was misery and abandonment. I tried and tried to do everything a good orthodox christian is supposed to do and all i managed to do is feeling useless, sinfull and condemned, so i thought maybe the only way was to go to a monastery, my parents learned that and my mother started crying and my father yelling and laughing at me, then they took me to a psychiatrist, I didn't talk to him much and he got me angry by everything he said to me, he gave me pills for depression or something. I decided that next time i'm going to pretend that everything's good. Then I decided to search elsewhere for my urge to find the truth. I doesn't matter what it was the thing is that people used me for things and i din't find anything true. After all these i decided that there is nothing out there, and nothing after death, because if there was something they don't care, and they want me to suffer, so i prefer the first option. For more than 10 years I've been feeling too depressed and angry and hateful. I want to die every single day so everything stops. I keep thinking about it all the time, I can't cope with anything. I did make a suicide attempt but it doesn't matter i'm probably not going to do this again, because even though i want everything to stop and i keep wanting to die, i don't want to stop existing. I'm sorry to say this but I hate humanity, I hate people I many times have quite violent thoughts, I want to hurt and kill, I want to kill kids and babies even more, mostly because everyone loves them. I many times feel good when people are suffering. I wish humans did not exist, then this planet would be better, I love nature, i love animals, i want them to be happy and keep existing. Despite though how i feel for humans,( i've never told any psychiatrist about that) I've never ever hurt anyone and i'm always very polite and kind to them all. I wish i wasn't , it feels like i'm obligated to be good to them, but inside i don't want to. I wouldn't care if i ended up in prison or a clinic or anywhere, my life is over for many years now, I don't feel I'm alive, I feel like a zombie. I wish there was hope for me so i could be a normal person, think normal, feel normal, be able to be happy, but after more than 10 years feeling like that and seeing doctors who can't tell what's going on, and taking lots of psychiatric pills that don't make any difference, i really don't see a chance of that. I'm so tired. Nobody cares. I have a relationship, now and i live with him in england. He's the only one i care about in the world. I don't want any friends, nobody else. My only friends are my dogs. He doesn't understand a thing about what's going on with me though. I keep trying and trying to not show him how depressed i am because he gets annoyed with me. He keeps saying i'm doing this to myself and that i can change that myself and that i should stop acting like a child. I do try to get better and normal and i do say that to him, but all he says is "yea, very trying". Then i can't help it and start crying in the bed and he tells me to shut up because he wants to sleep, and that i'm doing it on purpose so that he stays awake. He says i'm the most annoying woman he's ever been with. I feel hurt all the time. He says he doesn't do anything to hurt me, and that he's always there for me, and i'm very confused in my head, because i choose to believe everything he says, so he must be right but why do i feel hurt all the time? I also feel so abandoned and desperate whenever he leaves, I really can't cope with it, i feel like killing myself everytime he has to go somewhere without me. Life sucks I hate it and i most of all hate myself, why on earth did i have to get born, I've always been suffering, is that a joke? Is somebody having fun watching me suffer and laughing out there? I wish at least i knew what was wrong with me. I wish somebody would tell me, all the doctors had no clue, in greece they never told me anything, except that i once saw someone write something about schizoaffective disorder, but when i asked he told me u might have some psychotic symptoms, but never u mind, i don't want u to go search and get more confused. Other doctors never told me anything either, one of them told me to go to a clinic and the doctor in england says he doesn't think i'm mad and he told me to stop taking the antipsychotic pills, and i saw him write something like cyclothymic disorder, which is nothing like me i think. I wish there was someone here with similar problems with me so i have a clue of what's going on. I feel so alone, i don't know what to do, all i wanted was to be normal and happy, is it so much to ask? I never did anything wrong to deserve this, i've never hurt a fly in my life. Please don't hate me I'm so sorry , I know i'm an evil person but it's not my choice :( Please someone help me :(
 
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coraline1664

Guest
-

You are definitely not an evil person and by the sounds of it you have had to deal with a lot. I am so sorry you have felt this way for so long. It is understandable that you feel as if you don't like people, your views have probably been shapen by the people you have come into contact with in your life. People who bully are really disgusting, I have no sympathy for them ever.

Is there any other support you can find where you live?
I am not sure what else I can suggest but there is a lot of support about on this forum and I would gladly speak to you here if you ever wanted to chat or explain anything else you wanted to.

Elizabeth
 
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maria

Member
Joined
May 10, 2010
Messages
6
Hi Elizabeth,
Thank you so much for replying. I live in plymouth, i don't really know what kind of support is here, the doctor i'm seeing once a month is in elmview, he told me that there are some counseling groups but i really don't want that, because my mind is so confused, i can't find any thoughts in my head and i find it very hard to talk. Here is much better because i have the time to think and find out things in my head and write them down. It took me half an hour so far lol I also get very scared, i don't like being around people, i think they all want to hurt. Nobody likes being with me anyway, I'm a boring person because i don't talk. I just wish there was someone here having similar problems with me, i do feel like i'm the only one with this problem. I wish i knew what's wrong with me. Thank you so much for wanting to talk to me, I wasn't expecting anyone to reply, I almost cried when i saw you answered
 
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Affective

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 5, 2009
Messages
414
Hi Elizabeth,
Thank you so much for replying. I live in plymouth, i don't really know what kind of support is here, the doctor i'm seeing once a month is in elmview, he told me that there are some counseling groups but i really don't want that, because my mind is so confused, i can't find any thoughts in my head and i find it very hard to talk. Here is much better because i have the time to think and find out things in my head and write them down. It took me half an hour so far lol I also get very scared, i don't like being around people, i think they all want to hurt. Nobody likes being with me anyway, I'm a boring person because i don't talk. I just wish there was someone here having similar problems with me, i do feel like i'm the only one with this problem. I wish i knew what's wrong with me. Thank you so much for wanting to talk to me, I wasn't expecting anyone to reply, I almost cried when i saw you answered
I used to think very similarily. I had very bad experiences with people therefore I thought their only intentions were negative ones. However, there are people here on this forum, who want to help you, like me, thus we can't all be bad. I used to think too I was the only one in the world with these sorts of problems and more. But when I met people who suffered from Psychosis, Depression, Mania and Anxiety, I realised they must have gone through hell too.

Maria, I want you to know that you can get better. It takes hard work, and the fact you have asked here for help means you want to get better. Which is excellent.

Anytime you want to express how you feel, let us know and we will try and help you the best we can :)

PS: Greece, your country, is gorgeous! When I went there, I loved swimming in the Skiathos sea :D

I hope you feel better soon :)
 
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maria

Member
Joined
May 10, 2010
Messages
6
Thank you so much for trying to help and for all your good words. Nothing can help me though, I've been trying for so many years been seeing doctors taking medication, couseling, nothing seems to ever help, things are only getting worse. I'm so tired, I'm in despare. Until a year back at least i could sleep and sleep to get away from this pain. Now i can't even sleep, i keep seeing nightmares, i keep waking up and not being able to sleep again and i keep itching all the time, i keep scratching my legs and it never goes away. I'm so scared especialy when it's dark, thoughts and images are trying to get into my head about very scary beings and ghosts hidding in the dark corners that will appear and crawl their way towards me. I was something between asleep and awaken and i heard my voice swearing at me and mocking me in the worst way and i felt so hurt and the same again another time i heard another voice not human at all mocking me alll the time and i started shouting to it "shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up" so it goes away, another time someone or something was talking in my head and i was answering, but i have no idea what we were talking about, and lately when i close my eyes to sleep i can hear random voices telling me stuff i don't remember scaring me and not letting me fall asleep and seeing random disturbing images. All of these though happen when i'm in a state between asleep and awaken, i think. Many times i feel like i'm in a dream and life is not real. I really don't know what to do
 
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maria

Member
Joined
May 10, 2010
Messages
6
thank you for everything you are so nice :)
 
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Affective

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 5, 2009
Messages
414
Thank you so much for trying to help and for all your good words. Nothing can help me though, I've been trying for so many years been seeing doctors taking medication, couseling, nothing seems to ever help, things are only getting worse.
I used to think the exact same. I used to believe I'd be in an ever lasting abyss. However, I am very happy now. I believe I have potential to excel in the world and to make a difference. Believe me, self confidence is a vital attribute to being able to beat feeling self-defeated.
 

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