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Please someone help! i want to end it

L

lozza

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Jan 5, 2010
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Please, i really need some help, i have had severe depression about about 10 months now and it goods up and down as in some days am fine and i arent depressed yet other times an even or something can happen and i will go back into being depressed.

The problem i have is i have a plan and its coming up soon, i am very very scared to go to my gp thought i have a CPN i arent on any meds and meds again really freak me out. I tried to tell my CPN about the plan yersterday afternoon yet i couldn't and i just stayed quiet and cried for pretty much the whole session:cry:

My family does not know and only 2 friends know who are very worried about me. i am so scared and confused yet am calm i have never planned a plan as... detailed as this and am worried about if i was to end my life yet i am so scared about living yet its the problems that will be caused if i live, were will i end up, apparently i do meet the criteria for an involuntary hospitalization :cry: Also i have a horse will i share her so i have her 3 days a week and i cant lose her as far as if i was to live i cant end up in hospital as the horses owner would find out. I'm so confused yet i am scared of living yet am fine with ending it its just the people that will be left behind.

Please help :cry::cry::cry::cry:
 
iffybob

iffybob

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Need

You need to tell the MH services what you are thinking, .......

... from what you say I am concerned to, you do seem to be heading to that point.

Try not to worry about what will happen if you do tell, the rest will look after itself.

But right now, you need to help you , and telling some one who can help you is the first step.
 
M

mad as a hatter

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scotland
i think u need 2 go 2 ur local hospital and spk 2 the on call duty pdoc u obviously need help at the moment
 
L

lozza

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Thanks for the replies, I am going to try and ring my CPN on tuesday as i dont think she will be working on the monday with it being a bank holiday. I'm just so scared of what might happen if i tell her about the plan. Like what would happen to me? Thats the only and my parents reactions that is holding me back.:cry:
 
Angels

Angels

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Belive me i know how you feel!!

please know that you are not alone

you can read my story that i posted about my depression and getting through it, it might be some help.
but just know that enduring the worst of times can have good outcomes. Dont give up, dont let your emotions win.
when i went through my suicidal phase i didnt care who i left behind.
i just wanted to quit. but you do care! you still have something to hold on to and you always will.
give yourself some things to look forward to, not to be worried or scared about!

wishing you all the best
-hannah x
 
L

lozza

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Joined
Jan 5, 2010
Messages
413
Location
UK
Belive me i know how you feel!!

please know that you are not alone

you can read my story that i posted about my depression and getting through it, it might be some help.
but just know that enduring the worst of times can have good outcomes. Dont give up, dont let your emotions win.
when i went through my suicidal phase i didnt care who i left behind.
i just wanted to quit. but you do care! you still have something to hold on to and you always will.
give yourself some things to look forward to, not to be worried or scared about!

wishing you all the best
-hannah x
Thanks for the advice, i have read your story, actually. I just cant get the thoughts out of my head. I dont know what to do i need help am just so scared to ask for it for fear of what could happen after.:unsure:
 
Angels

Angels

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of course your scared, who wouldnt be? You just have to try and convince yourself that this is the right thing to do. (i know its easyer said than done), You can help yourself, There are people out there that will support you! even if its talking to a good friend, ive never had anyone that i could trust or rely on, so i enjoy the short time i get with my therapist even though im scared of making eye contact and all that. i get advice, i talk for hours on end. most importantly, i get support. Nobody knows how im feeling ever apart from some of the staff i see. i have alot of trust issues. i close myself off to people i know. (thats why my story was a big step for me) before i decided to seek help, i was alone and scared. i thought: 'who could help me, no one can' , 'if i stay like this things will get better... they will all blow away and i will be normal again, they only want to judge me, critisize me, they would probably think im a complete loon. they will take me away..' i was in a very desprate place when i got help. But you will see that eventually you make progress. small things can help! you retreat to a place in your mind where you know that these people dont want to harm you, they truly want to help you. I've opened up to alot of my issues and have began to accept them. There still feels like theres no escape, but i know that getting help was the best thing thats ever happened to me.

Do what you really think is best for you! you dont have to tell whoever you talk to every single little detail. i know i havent. but im still trying to work on it. the first day i saw my therapist a few years ago when i was about 12 he said 'Do you understand why im here to help you?' (i sat quietly not talking) 'my job is to make people happy again' 'if you could have any 3 wishes granted, what would it be?' i wished for 'mommy to stop drinking,' 'my bestest friend hadn't of committed suicide', 'and to feel happy again'. and you know, when i look back on what i said.. i could of wished for a puppy, to be an angel, for world peace. but thats discusting. those 3 things were the first things i thought of. i look back and see that i really did need help. they were on my mind although i tryed not to think about it.
I really hope you get through this, with what you think is in your best interest.
Wishing you all the best
- Hannah xx
 
S

skyblue

Guest
I dont know what to do i need help am just so scared to ask for it for fear of what could happen after.:unsure:
I feel quite like you at this moment as in depressed, I have Bipolar and am really struggling.
I have recently felt like I am dying, my brain is dying from the depressed disease. I haven't made plans as such, I have two children that need me. I do though feel in depressed times, I'm going to die from this, that my mind is going to give up:cry:.
I just wanted to say that you're not alone with this illness, I haven't much advice I can give, I'm sorry.

But, I just read Angels reply; 'enduring the worst of times can have the best outcomes and not to give up and let our emotions win'. My Care-Co actually said something very similar to me a month back.
We have very powerful emotions, are very emotional people, and it's very difficult for us to not feel this way, but it does make sense and it's something I'm currently trying my best to work on.

When you say you're scared to ask for the help in fear of what could happen afterwards,.. what do you believe will happen ?

I'm wishing you well, keep talking, we're here to listen xx
 
L

lozza

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Jan 5, 2010
Messages
413
Location
UK
Thanks for the replies hannah and skyblueThats the thing, i think am frightened of the unknown as i have no idea what wil happen apart from my CPN ( Michelle) will have to tell my parents and that in itself makes me panic and worry:( I have been luckly in the sense that i share a horse and if am honest for the last year and a half she has really .. saved my life she was the only thing keeping me going as much as i will hate to say goodbye i feel its the only option i know alot of people who said differently but right now i dont really see another way , meds freak me out so much and the thought of me going through another winter/ year like this again makes me panic that i will end up taking a large od or something like i did last time :( I'm just at a loss.
 
Angels

Angels

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There are more options that you can seek out, but alltogether its a choice that you will have to make. suicide is a horrible thing, i hate the thought of someone feeling so desperate to leave, it does make me sad. Your parents should love and support you still. if they find out then im pretty sure they would want to help you. I know a girl that was in your situation and when her parents found out then it made them stonger as a family. they had a much better relationship because her parents wondered why she was isolating herself from them. I've never been on meds. after all ive been through then they try there best to keep me off them, to see how much i can take and if i will ever get better in myself. my therapist believes i can do it, but i dont.
I can sit here and tell you 1 million things why you should not commit suicide. but that would'nt be any good. but please just do some thinking and reconcidering.
Wishing you the best

- han x
 
L

lozza

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Jan 5, 2010
Messages
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UK
Update
Thanks for all the replies. Sadly i ended up in A&E as I seulf harmed quite badly, i did sh while i was waiting to be seen as the urges were so strong and i had to :( Again I lied to the doctor, as if i told him the truth i think i would have been admitted. And am seeing my CPN tomorrow, so just a little update, being a long day.
 
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D

DELATEXT

Guest
I hope and pray you are okay !!!
I understand how the urges can overwhelm you, please keep in touch with us , we are here for you
 
C

calastars

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Jun 1, 2010
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20
Location
Glasgow
Lozza, please talk about it...I sat with a CPN yesterday for the first time and told her thoughts I was having like yours, it drained me but I am now going to get the help I need. Like you with your horse, I am the same with my children...I thought if I told the truth, I would lose them, please talk as it is the only way to get the proper help you need...xx
 
L

lozza

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Joined
Jan 5, 2010
Messages
413
Location
UK
Thanks for the replies and for the support. I was able to open up to her , told her about the plan i had , feelings thoughts etc we went through some of the reasons why and wanted to and why i didn't do it though it was hard for me having to say it out loud and there was quite a few tears. Also i told her about A&E so it seemed to have gone okay.
 
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