• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Please read, and share your thoughts or experiences if you can?

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clouise1

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Apr 20, 2020
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England
Hi, my name is Courtney. I have suffered with anxiety and depressive symptoms consistently for most of my life. I used to have panic attacks daily, would have visual and auditory hallucinations and was severely depressed. Most of that has gone now, I just have some general anxieties which can be worse at times and I am often depressed.
Last year, things got pretty bad. My mood shot up into what I would call mania, I was like this for at least 2 months, I spent over £100 on alcohol in 1 week and spent 5 consecutive days drunk, and was drunk every other day otherwise. I spent over £100 on 1 T-shirt (i dont have enough money to be doing this). I was impulsively overdosing, lay in roads, found on the other side of the barrier at the cliffs multiple times, rude, loud, destructive, delusional at times and would self harm or hurt others with no thought about it.
Then I went on a downward spiral, 2 weeks of a "mixed state" possibly. Then constant depression for about 3 months, couldn't get out of bed, shower, my hair matted, didn't brush my teeth for at least 2 weeks sometimes longer, stopped seeing my pony, attempted suicide a lot, had taken about 5 overdoses which had consequently ruined my sense of smell for a little while as well as my kidneys and liver. I ended up inpatient but was discharged after 2 weeks. Since January I've been experiencing more BPD type symptoms, services I am working with suggested it may be possible I have it. I had Quetiapine which helped a little but an impulsive OD had them taken off me. The past week or so, those moods have almost vanished, with only the odd overreaction now and then. I'm not "okay" though. I am now experiencing terrible paranoia and am dissociating at least daily, some times hourly.
I struggle talking with my therapist and psychiatrist as it all sounds so crazy and like it's all a lie, so I was wondering if anyone had a similar experience or knows of things like this.
 
Mario82

Mario82

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Hi Courtney, welcome to the site, I am Mario. It's a safe space here where your thoughts won't be judged.

It seems like you have been through so much, more than one person should have to go through. How bad is the dissociating and what sort of thoughts is the paranoia giving you?
 
C

clouise1

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Joined
Apr 20, 2020
Messages
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Location
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Thank you :)
There are no triggers I can find. It happens randomly. When I'm cooking, having a conversation, relaxing or at the yard with my pony. When it happens, I find myself focusing on one thing but everything is blurry. Voices are kind of muffled but I feel like I can hear everything at the same time. When I try to pull myself out of it, everything keeps going in and out of focus as if it's me fighting against that. When I am out of it, I have no idea where I was up to with whatever I was doing. A few times I have felt like I was being pushed out of my own body, one day I even picked something up and walked but felt like it wasn't me, like it was only my eyes so I could see what was happening but it wasn't ME making it happen. It hasn't been too bad today, just a little hard to focus on things.
The paranoia was especially bad last night, I had a takeaway with a few others I live with but I was adamant someone put something unpleasent or poisonous in it. I told myself it's because I was paranoid and it wasn't true but then later that night I felt really sick, I was not sick and felt great again an hour after that so I think I made it up due to how paranoid I was. Usually though I think people have cameras in my bedroom, bathroom, following me etc. I went for a walk tonight and despite no one being behind me, I heard footsteps and I bolted it. Could be my mind playing tricks or it could be related to this so just thought I'd mention it. Sorry it's so long I'm just really unsure what's going on with this anymore
 
Mario82

Mario82

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That dissociating seems scary. I don't really think I have ever dissociated so I am not sure if I can relate, but it seems like it's happening and you don't remember an iota of it, or you can only see one part of it as you say. Could you not change meds if the Quetiapine isn't doing its job?

As for the paranoia, now that I can relate more to. I don't feel like there are cameras watching me or anyone is putting anything in my food, but if I am walking down the street and someone laughs or mutters something I will assume they are laughing at me. So I can understand that better from first-hand knowledge. You know your friends wouldn't do anything to harm you and that your thoughts of something being in your food aren't true, it's just your illness making you believe that. The cameras is something that I have heard other users speak about, is it like the government you believe are spying on you or that people are talking to you on the television?

I can also understand the feeling like you're being followed in the street, especially at night. That's something that sometimes concerns me too, although you're female and I am male so like most women you will worry a lot about that. I think that is 'normal' (for lack of a better word) to an extent.

I'm here for you to chat to, and I understand it must be so hard to live with. Please don't worry about the length of posts, you're doing well to put your thoughts across intelligently, and of course the fact you have signed up and started to talk about your issues shows tremendous courage and a willingness to reach out and ask for help.
 
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clouise1

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Apr 20, 2020
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Location
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I think it's people I know spying on me with cameras and microphones kinda planted everywhere. I've not ever had an issue with thinking ab the government/TVs.

The most confusing thing about it is that I dont have an illness. Or not a diagnosed one anyway. The BPD was mentioned but nothing really progressed, possibly because i dont tend to engage but with them being involved still they get an idea of how things are through my partner and a few others. I stopped engaging because they seem reluctant to diagnose, but that's the only way I can see me getting the right treatment and for me to understand what is wrong with me. I dont know I they're reluctant or genuinely just dont know what's going on because I have done a lot of research on illnesses, the severity, co-morbid illnesses etc so I'd say I'm pretty clued up... but my symptoms seem to change completely from one thing to another. Like COMPLETELY change. And it's too confusing for me now.
 
Mario82

Mario82

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Hmm, that does sound a tough situation then, if you feel like they can't really diagnose you because you are clued up yourself and in retrospect you see your symptoms change from something to the next. I don't really have your knowledge in that area, but what I do know is that I often feel I have a mixture of all sorts of mental illnesses and symptoms of them all. Is this what you mean as well? Like so much stuff happens to you that it's difficult to narrow it down to a particular thing or pinpoint it? Seems like you are mega-confused as you say, yes.

I seen you say you don't really engage with the mental health team and doctor. is this because you don't want to or because you feel uncomfortable (going by the tail end of your first post I would say the latter). I heard someone say on here that the things we want to talk about least in therapy are the things we must talk about most. It would be difficult but it might make things easier in the long run to open up fully and give your account of things, rather than them seeing things second-hand from the perspective of your partner and others.
 
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clouise1

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England
Well I used to think it could be anything, but I first thought bipolar when I really tried tracking my moods. Little to no triggers, no breaks in the mania I experienced, no breaks in the depression i experienced and it was, as explained, clearly more intense than just feeling hyper or down. But then my moods were changing rapidly, daily, hourly even, very very intense, extreme overreaction etc. Then BPD was mentioned and I agreed it could be that. Then this with the paranoia and dissociation. Usuallyyou can dissociate with BPD so I put it down to that until I twigged I was more paranoid and the BPD symptoms have almost stopped. So maybe its Schizoid PD or DPDR? They're all what I'd call quite serious diagnoses, the ones that may require someone more skilled to spot, diagnose and treat etc (not undermining any others but anxiety probably wont get you put inpatient or make your behaviours uncontrollable and extreme like BPD or bipolar).
 
Mario82

Mario82

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Yeah you could be any of those tbh. I am diagnosed as schizophrenic but I don't hear voices or see things so I feel I have been misdiagnosed and I am more like bipolar, so I definitely understand it must be disconcerting to feel like you're not being diagnosed properly because the illness(es) you have is too complex to really spot. Like you say it might require someone very skilled to spot.

What do you think your next step will be offline? Covid-19 permitting?
 
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clouise1

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I hope you get your diagnosis changed or accept the one you have. It is awful not knowing.
I'm just going to keep seeing my pony, hopefully teach him a few tricks... and fingers crossed I get accepted for the criminology and psychology course I've applied for (I'm getting a response tomorrow).
 
Mario82

Mario82

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Hey, sorry for taking my time getting back to you, was replying to a PM.

Thanks. Yeah, we will see what happens in regards me, I can always talk more to them. I am 37 now so it's been a long time to go in the service without really knowing.

As for you, certainly keep seeing your pony if that brings you happiness as that's all we want, some happiness and joy in life. The criminology and psychology course sounds brilliant. I have done social science courses with the Open University and they are really interesting. I don't know what uni you have applied to but best of luck with that tomorrow. Will you let us know if you get accepted please?
 
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clouise1

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Yes of course, it's not at Uni though, just college for now. Not enough UCAS points for uni yet unfortunately
 
Mario82

Mario82

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Yes of course, it's not at Uni though, just college for now. Not enough UCAS points for uni yet unfortunately
Ah right, well college or uni, it's all good. I hope you get in. What attracts you to criminology? I understand psychology as it's to do with our mental health issues and you have been doing research on your own issues. What fascinates you about criminology?
 
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clouise1

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Well criminal psychology appeals to me more but the college closest to me doesnt do that course. Psychology definitely matches into that, criminology is a little different but the closest to it. Even if it's not exactly what I wanted it's still something worth studying as its quite a good qual.

When I do think about my future properly which isnt often because I never see a future lol, I do see myself doing something in psychology or law alongside producing horses so itll be good either way :)
 
Mario82

Mario82

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That's good then, hopefully you get in and if you do I know you will do great. Your passion for horses is also something to hold on to as that gives you great joy.

I know what you mean about not seeing a future. Mental health issues really destroyed my chances of a career. It's good to know that others have managed to fight through it.
 
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clouise1

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Yeah I'll defo keep going with the horses.
That's awful, I hope things have or will work out for you.
But yeah it's good to know others have got through it
 
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