!! Please read !! Abuser contacted, abuse addicted

I

ireallydontknow

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Nov 29, 2014
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51
Someone from my past contacted me on Facebook.
I have a severe addiction to reliving my sexual traumas.
I have a NEED to let this go where I know it is going.

I NEED IT YET IT'S MURDERING MY WHOLE "SELF."

HELP!
----
I know that if he contacts me in the next few days, it's done.
This has been a problem since I was only a small child.
Almost 20 ######6 years of HELL.
My whole identity is built on this.
My whole existence,
This is all I can ######6 think about!!
It takes EVERYTHING in me not to seek it ...
BUT THEN SOMEONE CONTACTS ME AND I CRUMBLE.
ANY MEN NEAR ME ... EVEN WOMEN.
IF THEY WANT TO USE ME OR COULD USE ME
I JUST CAN'T STOP MYSELF!!

I'm so tired of fighting!!
Someone ######6 shoot me!
----
Just so you know how BAD THIS IS,
How PISS POOR my control is:
The last time I let this happen,
I was triggered out by a man at a bus stop
After he said he murdered 3 people and how.
Then I ######6 let him sexually assault me
AT A BUS STOP.
IN FRONT OF PEOPLE!!

Someone PLEASE convince me to stop somehow.
I'm honestly going to kill myself at this rate,
I really feel like that is how I'll die.
If some man doesn't kill me during an assault.
----
Should I just let these things happen.
I give up.
I accept that men rule over me.
I was made for this.
 
T

Topcat

Guest
Sounds awful :( I don't know what to say, I just really hope he doesn't contact you so you don't hurt yourself this way :hug:
Are you getting any help for this problem, it's pretty serious? Xxx
 
I

ireallydontknow

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51
Thank-you for taking the time to respond.
It's too late for that but I don't suppose there's a point in me even posting this
if I'm consciously unwilling to stop. I want to but it's not possible, I suppose I just
wanted someone to say something. I have attempted to get help but all resulted in failure.
I think I will just accept my place because fighting it is beyond exhausting.
 
T

Topcat

Guest
I can understand that it's a driving need, but it's so destructive :( :(
Is there anyone else that you could go to for help?
I wish I knew of something
X
 
I

ireallydontknow

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It really is, every aspect of my life is virtually destroyed.
I have little family, one friend, extremely spotty work history- etc, etc, etc.
I have a counsellor right now ... Talking to a counsellor doesn't provide any relief from THIS issue.
It does help with the smaller issues but. I could live with those. I can't live with this for another 50 years.

Though it is true that I am very avoidant. Maybe I just need to tell her things plainly.
I'm so, so terrified though ... Of everything, really.

Thank-you for your words. I do appreciate them.
 
T

Topcat

Guest
You weren't made for this. Nobody is.
Nobody rules over you, this has been done to you.
I wish it could be undone :hug:
 
T

Topcat

Guest
Sorry, just realised you're not in the UK, so websites might not be any help :(
Sorry if I overstepped too :hug:
You deserve to be helped and looked after and for kind people to help you rebuild yourself again xxxxxx
 
I

ireallydontknow

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There's nothing to forgive.
You're not sure what to say or do but to me you're an angel right now.
Even if you were on the wrong track.

I do have a very severe sexual addiction.

Seeking out dangerous scenarios where I could be raped is only one thing.
(Even if it is the biggest aspect ...) One time I actually phoned someone
Who offered online to help me with fantasies then "If I still felt like it,"
They would help me kill myself. The only reason I didn't meet up is
Because they were in another country and I was, unsurprisingly, broke.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it is pretty pervasive except that I don't have anger outbursts.
It's all turned inward rather than outward. (Not to say I haven't emotionally harmed people. I have.)

My entire life from somewhere before 2 to 21 includes traumatic sexual assault.
It's not an everyday occurrence obviously but it happens too frequently
And I've known I was causing it for 5 or so years. It's been conscious since.

I have sexual disorders and fetishes I'm not strong enough to state but.
We can just say that essentially nothing is off limits.
One of the more extreme ones I'm willing to say is BDSM.
(Never assault of another person though. Only myself.)

I abuse substances and strangely enough it does not make it worse.
It makes it better because it makes "me" disappear and someone else come.
Until later. Then it comes full circle like always.

I don't have a partner anymore. Another part of myself left them because my ex couldn't handle
the intensity of my ... Everything. And ended up becoming physically, sexually and emotionally abusive.
I was turning them into someone they didn't want to be. I can't be in relationships. I really cannot.

I know more than I'd like to about my innerworkings and the psychology behind my behaviours.
One thing this brought me is an unquenchable thirst for understanding the human psyche.
(Still consider myself pretty ignorant but maybe someday I won't be.)

... There's a number in one of the links you sent me that I will give a go with.
I'm sorry for the big useless posts but I guess I really have to throw all of this up.
I don't actually talk about this directly. This is the first time ...
 
I

ireallydontknow

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Right, how did I also not notice that?
It's okay. You tried and that counts for something anyway.
Thank-you.
 
T

Topcat

Guest
Talking about it with someone safe might be a good start :hug:
Everything you've written sounds understandable considering what you were put through, how that kind of thing would mess someone up.
I imagine there are other people going through the same things, and there are people out there experienced with helping with these problems. I really hope you can find some of them and feel better xxxxx
 
I

ireallydontknow

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You weren't made for this. Nobody is.
Nobody rules over you, this has been done to you.
I wish it could be undone :hug:
... Literally everything points to the idea that men rule over women.
Every single thing. When it doesn't, it will. It loops.
I don't understand how it could be any different.

Why do you think otherwise ...?? ...
 
I

ireallydontknow

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Talking about it with someone safe might be a good start :hug:
Everything you've written sounds understandable considering what you were put through, how that kind of thing would mess someone up.
I imagine there are other people going through the same things, and there are people out there experienced with helping with these problems. I really hope you can find some of them and feel better xxxxx
Thank-you very, very much. Best of wishes and love for you.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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I'm not sure where you live, but I wanted to make it very clear that I feel you need a counsellor specifically trained in sa/csa and ptsd trauma councelling. Not just a regualar counsellor. I would contact your local abused womens shelter and ask there if they could point you to the right resources for you. They may also have a group for abused women where you could meet other abuse survivors and find real friendship and possibly a mentor that you could call when triggered. I'm very sorry you've been used in this way.
I realize being an sa/csa abuse survivor myself that even with counselling the trauma's get retriggered, even when you thought you've gotten over them and forgotten them something out of the blue happens and the memories flood back whether you want them to or not. It takes so much energy trying to keep those triggers under control.
You definately should discuss this with your doctor.
I'm not saying your counsellor isn't beneficial, just that PTSD needs specialized treatment. I hope you find it. Do this for you, your a survivor, don't let the abuser victimize you all over again.
 
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I

ireallydontknow

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Hello, thank-you for the input ... I greatly appreciate it.

Luckily there is a Woman's Shelter only a few minutes away on foot. I guess it wouldn't be a bad idea to look for another counsellor ... It's just so exhausting and I have crippling social anxiety that makes it extremely hard for me to open up to one. Even then I have so many reflexes and defensive reactions such as lying that complicate communication further ... But. I could just simply tell them that. I'm sure I have a "tell" when I lie. (But Ive become very, very good at lying to protect myself. I lied when I was 12 right to my step-dads face when he nearly caught me during an assault and he didnt blink an eye. It scares me the words that come out of my mouth so easily and calmly. But I dont mean them.) How can I get around this?? Just telling them that??...

As for "forgetting" the trauma, I can't tell you of a time where I have forgotten it for even more than a day. This whole thing has taken over absolutely everything. All the more reason, I suppose ... It's just really bad. Another example to illustrate this is that one time downtown a depressive looking person sat next to me infront of the library so weasked how he was doing then here I am and next thing you know Im walking this stranger around town and letting him do whatever he wants. I nearly let him follow me into the girls washroom at the bloody mall before going to a pizza place and buying him a pizza. I bought a man who was threatening me and following me around all day long food with money I didnt have!! What is wrong with me???? I dont know!!!

I'm sorry Im so negative and hopeless, I am happy for your advice and I will take it. Thanks for reading
 
I

ireallydontknow

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Hell, I'm going to go clean up then walk to the center right now.
Otherwise something will happen and I wont go.

*hug* Thankyou ........:panic:
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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Here rooting for you OP

Professionals have literally Heard It All

Please don't be ashamed to be Honest - its the only way you can begin to heal

You have to lance the boil, recover from that pain, then rebuild a New Way of Dealing

Its hard work ahead of you and you cannot do it alone

All the best, hope you get some excellent help

BDU
 
I

ireallydontknow

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Awww, thank you everyone this means so much to me!
In a way we are all in this together, aren't we?
This sort of situation affects everyone to some degree...
Thankyou thank you <3 ....
 
N

name?

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Do you smoke pot? You said when you do substances you disappear and someone else comes out? I was wondering what the person is like?

Also, I don't see how men rule over women where sex is concerned. Mostly it is the opposite... women are usually the ones who have the control when it comes to choosing sexual partners, they are the ones who sit back and let all the males come sniffing around doing all chasing. I think you must understand already the control you are able to exert over men via sex?
 
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