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Please please help, in a bad way after breakup

V

VerySadgirl

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2018
Messages
4
My partner ended out 23 year relationship out the blue. I'm beyond gutted, totally floored. I can't eat, sleep and everything seems pointless. All my hopes and dreams are gone. I'm so hurt he didn't talk things through, didn't give me a chance. He wanted to be able to just look after himself and apparently has felt he has to look after me for years after I lost my mum at aged 19 and dad two years later. I get anxiety and he wants to not to have to deal with it. I really feel we could have worked on things and feel awful he didn't give me the chance. He still had his parents and brother and I'm feeling totally alone. He gets the future he wants and all I wanted is gone. I'm just so sad we were together when we were 17 and I'm 41 now.(this first bit I posted this in another part of the forum and got one reply but I'm desperate for help, so reposting here.) I got so low he had to come stay at the house as I couldn't be on my own. It's weird with him trying to help me but I'd don't know what I'd do if not, I'd be scared I'd not be safe. He had to call the mental health crisis team and I had emergency counselling today, which was amazing but I don't feel I can do this. I just want him so much. I'm so so lost. I think I have massive attached issues and separation anxiety with him. I've made him my "safe place" and needed to know he'd be there when I needed him, unhealthy I know. I feel like I've driven him away, it's my fault. I just can't do this, it's too much.
 
R

Razrman

New member
Joined
Apr 27, 2018
Messages
3
One day at a time

I wish I had the answers for you. All I can say is just try to take it one day at a time. You will become stronger every day. One day, you may look back on this, see your growth and realize that it happened for a reason... to make you stronger and more independent. Saying a prayer for you.
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

Well-known member
Moderator
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Jan 2, 2012
Messages
8,173
Location
Teesside
Hi
I know its easy for me to say but time does heal. take each day as it comes. I have had my heart broken and thought it would never heal but it did over time.
Im glad you are getting counselling you will really need someone to talk to that can help with all the emotions swirling around in your brain.
You need to build a life without this man. This will take time. And you need to grieve for the loss of this relationship, this is normal.
Please keep talking, if you want to talk more you can pm me
Hugs
Fox
 
alohomora

alohomora

Active member
Joined
Mar 22, 2018
Messages
39
Location
Lexington, Kentucky
I wish I had a solution to offer. I think the problem is in your message, you need him for what he represents but not for what he is. In your message, you don’t value him as a person once, you only describe what he is to YOU. It’s not a judgment, I’m stating a fact, and to be completely honest I understand he got tired of this. You compare the fact that he has his family and you have nothing : is it really all you remember from a 20-year relationship? You obviously have anxiety and personal attachment disorder, and that’s the key to the whole situation. You will not get him back unless you work on that first. You can not expect him to get back to you out of pity or sense of duty, because that would be a terrible reason to be with someone. He probably understood that and decided to put himself first, which he is entitled to do at this point. From what I get here, he only defined himself as your “savior”, your rock, and doesn’t quite remember who he truly is when he’s not taking care of you. You have to understand that and let him go. You actually need to do the same. Figure out who you are without him. You’ve been confining yourself into this relationship for so long that you don’t know who you are without it. You need to get back to yourself. You are much more than just a relationship and you are valuable on your own. Being alone has its advantages, you need to find them out. You have to detach yourself from your husband and focus on YOU, for once. You can do this! Good luck! Will be there if you need to talk again.
 
V

VerySadgirl

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2018
Messages
4
Hi thanks for the replies. I fully agree with what you are saying and It must have been very hard in him, I'm taking responsibility of this. My anxiety wasn't so bad though, I work and do all the usual things. I maybe just worry about stuff a little more. But it's not been easy for either of us, he's suffered bad depression 3 times over the years. I looked after him in every way when it was bad, did anything i could while he was going though an awful time. He was off work for months and I held things up and supported him to try to help him recover. He's an amazing creative, intelligent soul and saw the depression as part of making him who he is today. I definitely have bad attachment issues that I have to sort I know. It's my second appointment with the counsellor tomorrow, I want to get this awful sicky anxiety feeling out of me. I've been to work the last two days but god it was hard. I want him to be happy I really do, to do all the things he wants in life. But it's heartbreaking when you love someone so much and they don't feel the same anymore.
 
alohomora

alohomora

Active member
Joined
Mar 22, 2018
Messages
39
Location
Lexington, Kentucky
Hi thanks for the replies. I fully agree with what you are saying and It must have been very hard in him, I'm taking responsibility of this. My anxiety wasn't so bad though, I work and do all the usual things. I maybe just worry about stuff a little more. But it's not been easy for either of us, he's suffered bad depression 3 times over the years. I looked after him in every way when it was bad, did anything i could while he was going though an awful time. He was off work for months and I held things up and supported him to try to help him recover. He's an amazing creative, intelligent soul and saw the depression as part of making him who he is today. I definitely have bad attachment issues that I have to sort I know. It's my second appointment with the counsellor tomorrow, I want to get this awful sicky anxiety feeling out of me. I've been to work the last two days but god it was hard. I want him to be happy I really do, to do all the things he wants in life. But it's heartbreaking when you love someone so much and they don't feel the same anymore.
This gives me a whole other perspective... I thought it was a relationship in which he was the giver and you were the one needing to be taken care of, but it goes the other way around as well...maybe that's what he got sick of. Maybe he realized that your relationship was becoming heavy to carry and unhealthy and he needed to get back to something easier, where he doesn't have to take care of someone or be taken care of. In your first message you say that his reason was that he didn't want to have to deal with your anxiety anymore. But from what you describe now, that might very likely be an excuse to not admit that he's actually feeling weak at the moment and wants to be alone to focus on himself. He makes it look like you're the problem, when really it seems to me that your relationship wasn't healthy from the beginning, due to both of you and the problems that go with each of you. Whatever the reason, it will take you some time to get over it, and you will need to take care of yourself during the process of healing from the break-up. Good luck!
 
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