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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

please, mom

K

kejsarenavportugallien

New member
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
2
Location
sweden
i cant take it anymore. please care about me

i know it might sound ridiculous, but all these little things you're doing are destroying me.
when he hit me all those years ago you weren't angry. you didn't hug me. you made me sit in a car alone with him for an hour so that he could drive me to school because you were too busy. you didn't tell dad about it. you still have him over for christmas every year. you had a man that molested you as a child babysit me

i feel like i haven't grown up since then. like a child contantly searching for their moms approval. when you found out i was thinking about killing myself i think you genuinely cared, and that was nice. i guess i've been chasing that feeling ever since.

on my eighteenth birthday the dog growled at me for telling him to get down from the bed where he was laying next to you. not only did you let him, you defended him and yelled at me for telling him off. because that's what i am to you, less than a dog, a flea. dirt. nothing. it took you an hour before you looked through the bathroom window and saw me with harming intention. you don't remember? i do.

you dont remember when you yelled at me about how disgusting my room was? i do, because i cried myself to sleep that night. i wonder why that is mama. you refuse to cook me dinner because you're busy doing things for yourself. "no, i cant cook for you because im playing candycrush". instead im stuck eating chips, icecream, donuts, mcdondalds, carbs, sugar. because thats easy. just because you have a gastric bypass doesn't mean i do. you think cooking dinner for me should be seen as a privilige. you birthed me and think that's a privilige, well it isn't, i wish you never had. you chose to bring me in to this world but you cant feed me proper food, you feed into my sugar addiction just like you feed wine to my dad a few weeks after he said he would never drink alcohol again. after he showed up stoned to the family dinner. after you left me alone with him while we drank a bottle of whiskey and my brother had to come get me. after he was hospitalised for passing out drunk in his vomit. and you wonder why there's bottles, bags of chips, candy wrappers and garbage keeps piling up around me. i dont want to get out of bed and throw it out, i want to lay there, surrounded by piles of shit and die.

it's lovely when you make an effort not to feed me garbage after i come crying to you about how fat and useless i feel. it's lovely how that lasts... for three days, before i'm faced with 5 donuts laying openly on the kitchen counter. its lovely how you cant even look me in the eyes when you're at your phone and im trying to tell you how i feel. is dying the only thing that will make you care? is that the price i have to pay?

it's funny how tiny little things you do make me want to harm myself. i might've done it right now, if it wasn't for the fact that they're in the kitchen where you're sitting. instead im stuck writing a post you'll never read. if you did, would you care? no, i dont think you would. you didn't care half an hour ago when you threw away a puzzle that i hadn't finished but had spent hours upon hours upon building, because it took up too much space. as if your tupperware boxes doesnt take up two whole rooms of the house, the kitchen, the living room, the garage.... i even remember you placing some on top of my puzzle. to you its a puzzle, to me its hours of hard work that you chose to throw away whilst i was sleeping for your own convinience. and after yelling at you and slamming my door, you proceed take the liberty of walking into by room and placing some books, worthless papers and blankets on my desk because appearantly things don't take up too much room as long as its in my room. that's the place where nothing matters, isn't it?

please. i dont know what to do. i dont want to do this anymore
 
EddieH

EddieH

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 29, 2017
Messages
9,928
Location
Melbourne, Australia
Hi and welcome to the forum,

In response to your post that said you wished not to be here and the trouble you have had as both an adult and a child.

We are really sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time at the moment.

Please tell a friend, a family member or someone from an organisation like the Samaritans about the issues you are experiencing. This is a Swedish help line that may be of assistance

Självmordslinjen (Suicide prevention hotline) Mind – För psykisk hälsa

In English and Swedish

In other countries you can find similar services by looking at the Befrienders Worldwide Website at Befrienders Worldwide | Emotional support to prevent suicide worldwide

Our web page on getting help may also be useful to you. Here is a link to it Mental Health Forum - Getting Help

Here is a link to an article on Suicidal Crisis written by one of the Admin team which you may find helpful Suicidal Crisis

Please do seek help as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely
EddieH
Forum Safety Team
 

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