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please I need help

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george81

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
88
Location
UK
Thank you all again for your kind replies. Charliedragonfly, well done for beating your illness! I'm really happy for you and I hope you continue to do well and get the therapy you need. I understand what you mean about the option still being there to starve and it's a way of keeping control without actually doing the actions, I have always had a stack of medication ready for when I want to take my life and it's like a security blanket, I know as long as they're there then I have a way out and that gives me comfort even though I know it sounds so wrong.
Lilybut, I'm so sorry about your daughter. What a terrible thing to happen and I'm sorry you're left to pick up the pieces. I understand people are worried about me, my dad and sister as well as other people have commented on my weight loss and I'm sorry that they should have to worry and I feel guilty about it. But the guilt of my actions is far greater and I look in the mirror and feel used to how I look and it doesn't bother me now. I am under no illusion that I have lost too much weight and look terrible but I've been told I'm ugly at a healthy weight, also when I was overweight (I was antidepressants and put on nearly 4 stone!) and now I'm too thin I'll be told I'm ugly too so I can't win and I can't please anyone. It's gone too far now, the end is in sight. This is the year I will finally end my life. I shouldn't have gotten to this age anyway. I tried to take my life at 19 but was interrupted. Since then it's been a case of when, not if. Now I have ruined an entire family I deserve more than anything to die and stop being a constant reminder to the people whose lives I have destroyed. My only solace is that my poor mom wasn't around to find out the damage I'd caused as it would've broken her heart. It's coming up to the first anniversary of when we found out she was very ill and the next few weeks are going to be very hard. I thank you all for your patience and understanding and I'm sorry for all the things you have been through to have brought you here. Thank you all xxx
 
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Rogue7

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 2, 2020
Messages
91
Location
Australia
hello there, I'm new here. Im a 37 year old female. Ive had problems with depression and self harm in the past and when i'm down or upset/worried I lose my appetite and don't eat properly and lose weight. My mom passed away 6 months ago after a short illness and since then I've stopped eating properly and have lost a considerable amount of weight. Im very nearly at a classified 'underweight' weight now and frankly look awful. I feel like i don't deserve to eat and I restrict my eating greatly. I eat enough to keep me going as I have a physical job but apart from then I won't eat. I am drinking alcohol at home on my own now and am taking my mom's left over medication as well. My self harm has increased. I want to die. I feel happy when I've lost more weight and feel disappointed and angry when i've put weight on. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not anorexic as it's not related to feeling overweight but I just don't feel worthy of eating. I watched my mom literally starve to death through cancer. I can't see how to come back from this and to be honest I don't want to. Sorry if this is triggering or offensive to anyone.
Eating disorders are not only for ppl that want to be 'thin'. I'm one of those ppl. I restrict my intake to feel in control of something while everything else feels chaotic. Get help sooner rather than later xx
 
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Ragdoll what are houses

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
139
Location
Sussex england
hello there, I'm new here. Im a 37 year old female. Ive had problems with depression and self harm in the past and when i'm down or upset/worried I lose my appetite and don't eat properly and lose weight. My mom passed away 6 months ago after a short illness and since then I've stopped eating properly and have lost a considerable amount of weight. Im very nearly at a classified 'underweight' weight now and frankly look awful. I feel like i don't deserve to eat and I restrict my eating greatly. I eat enough to keep me going as I have a physical job but apart from then I won't eat. I am drinking alcohol at home on my own now and am taking my mom's left over medication as well. My self harm has increased. I want to die. I feel happy when I've lost more weight and feel disappointed and angry when i've put weight on. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not anorexic as it's not related to feeling overweight but I just don't feel worthy of eating. I watched my mom literally starve to death through cancer. I can't see how to come back from this and to be honest I don't want to. Sorry if this is triggering or offense.
 
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george81

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
88
Location
UK
Thank you again everyone for your kind answers. The weight I put on at christmas I have now managed to lose which has brought me relief. I feel back in control again now. I have no fear of eating and will eat a plate of food if put in front of me (although I'll be secretly thinking how long it would take to get that weight off again) but I will eat to please people and try to appear normal. I know it's definitely not anorexia because of this (when I stayed with my dad over christmas he would do a dinner and just plonk it in front of me so I had no choice but to eat it) but I do now pay attention to the calories in food so I can choose food that has lower calories in it. In my mind I hear 'you fat greedy ugly basted' sometimes when I eat. I am also drinking alcohol a lot at home which I never used to do and the calories in that is counting towards my intake for the day! It gives me a focus and something to aim towards. My friend says other people say I am doing it for attention. I don't want their attention, it embarrasses me when people mention my weight and that they don't recognise me anymore. It's like self harm but I can't hide it. I self harm still but now on my legs so no one can see but weight lose is harder to hide. sorry if I've triggered for mentioning self harm! I don't deserve to eat and restricting is a form of hurting the body, starve the body and teach it a lesson. Thank you again everyone for listening/reading my rambling crap. xxx
 
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george81

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
88
Location
UK
thank you, I really don't feel like I do though!
:low:
 
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Mary26

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
232
Location
USA
George, I've noticed that after someone dies, everything we feel we may have done wrong to them becomes magnified. And even though I knew that from experience with my father, I couldn't stop myself from doing things when my mother was dying that I knew I would regret. So did I do them because I didn't love her? No. I did them because I am human and imperfect and if I had more time with her I'd do more lousy things. And yes,I ate in front of her when she couldn't because of chemo and she liked seeing the people she loved eat just as I would want to see my children eat. So I know you are feeling extreme grief but complicating it with extreme guilt will make it unbearable. Please explore these feeling with someone who can help you put them in perspective.
 
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george81

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
88
Location
UK
Thank you so much for your kind replies everyone. I am feeling pleased today because I've managed to get past a weight i was stuck at. I know I need help as my behaviour is not right but I don't feel like I deserve help. I am feeling guilt not only around my mom's death but about something else I did that was bad and is causing a friend to suffer. I don't feel it's worth seeking help because I don't deserve it and because I'm planning on ending my life soon so it's not worth it anyway. It's coming up to the 1st year anniversary of my mom passing and it doesn't feel like a year at all! It's all so vivid the memories like it happened last week. I was there when my mom died, I saw her breathing slow down and become erratic and I heard her last breath leave her body. She didn't deserve to die, she never hurt anyone in her life. I deserve to die, I should've had the cancer instead of her. I'm sorry anyone if I've triggered. There's a ;pt pf things around about cancer research and macmillan ect which to be honest hasn't registered with me because I still can't accept that she died of cancer. She never even smoked which made the lung cancer diagnosis even more unbelievable. Look after yourselves guys and sorry
 
Hardknocks88

Hardknocks88

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 26, 2020
Messages
134
Location
Murrieta, CA
Sorry about your mom passing, I had my mom die last year it's hard for someone to die especially multiple deaths, it can be very overwhelming. I have a over eating issue I just try to do something to keep my mind off of over eating.
 
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