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please I need help

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george81

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Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
12
Location
birmingham
hello there, I'm new here. Im a 37 year old female. Ive had problems with depression and self harm in the past and when i'm down or upset/worried I lose my appetite and don't eat properly and lose weight. My mom passed away 6 months ago after a short illness and since then I've stopped eating properly and have lost a considerable amount of weight. Im very nearly at a classified 'underweight' weight now and frankly look awful. I feel like i don't deserve to eat and I restrict my eating greatly. I eat enough to keep me going as I have a physical job but apart from then I won't eat. I am drinking alcohol at home on my own now and am taking my mom's left over medication as well. My self harm has increased. I want to die. I feel happy when I've lost more weight and feel disappointed and angry when i've put weight on. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not anorexic as it's not related to feeling overweight but I just don't feel worthy of eating. I watched my mom literally starve to death through cancer. I can't see how to come back from this and to be honest I don't want to. Sorry if this is triggering or offensive to anyone.
 
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midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Mar 9, 2012
Messages
12,525
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
Please get professional help if you are not currently getting help :hug:

You do deserve to eat, i am so sorry to hear about your mum :hug:
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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Please see your GP or go to A&E at the earliest opportunity, your health is at risk.

You need to see a therapist of some kind and get grief counselling to help you deal with the loss of your mum.

I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry to hear about your depression.

You can make it through this with a little help.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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please don't die
im sure your mummy would want to see you eat and be healthy and happy
please lean on the forum for support but also try and seek professional help as soon as possible
all my love
Lu xxxx
 
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george81

Member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
12
Location
birmingham
Thank you all for your kind replies. I haven't been anywhere to seek help yet but I'm grateful just being able to be on here as I don't want to cause a fuss to anyone in my life. It's exactly 6 months today I lost my mom and things don't really feel much better. I can go to work and appear normal to everyone, laugh and joke and get involved but my heart's not in it and I all I can think is how things will never be how the were. I know everyone has to go through the loss of a parent and it had to happen sometime but not like it did and not so suddenly. I still feel like I don't deserve to eat. I think I'm hoping my heart will just stop in my sleep one night. Thanks again for listening/reading, it means a lot
 
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princesscookie19

princesscookie19

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Sep 3, 2019
Messages
58
Location
Ireland
hello there, I'm new here. Im a 37 year old female. Ive had problems with depression and self harm in the past and when i'm down or upset/worried I lose my appetite and don't eat properly and lose weight. My mom passed away 6 months ago after a short illness and since then I've stopped eating properly and have lost a considerable amount of weight. Im very nearly at a classified 'underweight' weight now and frankly look awful. I feel like i don't deserve to eat and I restrict my eating greatly. I eat enough to keep me going as I have a physical job but apart from then I won't eat. I am drinking alcohol at home on my own now and am taking my mom's left over medication as well. My self harm has increased. I want to die. I feel happy when I've lost more weight and feel disappointed and angry when i've put weight on. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not anorexic as it's not related to feeling overweight but I just don't feel worthy of eating. I watched my mom literally starve to death through cancer. I can't see how to come back from this and to be honest I don't want to. Sorry if this is triggering or offensive to anyone.





3meals a day with loads of fruit and vegetables go and treat yourself once a week or get a massage thats what you need...TLC hope you get better soon
 
daffy

daffy

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hiding behind the sofa
Being anorexic isn’t necessarily down to being overweight it has more to do with control. You’ve been thru a trauma with losing your mum and I’m really sorry to hear that, in my opinion your trying to control your life by controlling what you eat.you need help and quickly before it becomes a way of life.
Back in the late 70s i lost my dad 4 weeks before i was due to be married. I wasnt overweight but lost a lot of weight in a month. Due to my dad dying and not really wanting to get married. My weight went down to a very low weight and i was 3 months pregnant in a bad marriage. I never went for help , but spent 5 months on a maternity ward. I was never told i was anorexic I’d never heard the word i just kept on being told i was underweight. Back then anorexia wasnt really spoken about. I stayed dramatically underweight for 12 years till i got divorced and then i took my life back. Now you’d never know. But it has taken its toll on my body. It could be years before you see the damage that not eating causes, so please get help now
 
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george81

Member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
12
Location
birmingham
Thank you all for your kind replies. Daffy, I understand what you mean about control. I do feel that I have no control over my life and what happens in it and controlling whether I eat or not is my only form of control I do actually have. It is now nearly 9 months since I lost my mom and feel very much that everyone expects me to 'be over it' but I'm far from it. I know my situation is far from unique and people lose loved ones every day in a variety of ways, cancer included, the same as my mom had. I just can't believe it's happened and how quickly it all happened, form diagnosis to death being only 6 weeks. I feel maybe I shouldv'e pushed for more appointments for her initially and more investigations at the doctors when her symptoms were emerging. I am also drinking alcohol most days and self harming. I feel guilty when I eat and feel i deserve to self harm for being greedy. I feel like such a waste of space and a let down.
 
Shiva

Shiva

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Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
46
Location
Canada
Thank you all for your kind replies. Daffy, I understand what you mean about control. I do feel that I have no control over my life and what happens in it and controlling whether I eat or not is my only form of control I do actually have. It is now nearly 9 months since I lost my mom and feel very much that everyone expects me to 'be over it' but I'm far from it. I know my situation is far from unique and people lose loved ones every day in a variety of ways, cancer included, the same as my mom had. I just can't believe it's happened and how quickly it all happened, form diagnosis to death being only 6 weeks. I feel maybe I shouldv'e pushed for more appointments for her initially and more investigations at the doctors when her symptoms were emerging. I am also drinking alcohol most days and self harming. I feel guilty when I eat and feel i deserve to self harm for being greedy. I feel like such a waste of space and a let down.
:( I am so similar to you right now. I’m so thin and I Do believe it’s a form of self punishment. Eating is the most simple and necessary thing for humans to do. Taking that away from yourself is absolute disrespect and disregard to your body and self.
 
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george81

Member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
12
Location
birmingham
Shiva, I understand. Self punishment is one reason for not eating, denying yourself food that you need and would like to eat. I feel bad and angry when I've put weight on and will starve to following day to get back to the weight I was previously. I know my heart rate has slowed down and I'm lacking in energy, I feel like a weakling not being able to push doors open and have no strength. I can't see a way out of this way of thinking and to be honest I don't want to because I'm planning on ending my life soon. Sorry if this is triggering, I just have no one else to 'vent' to.
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

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Sep 5, 2019
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543
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On The Train
:grouphug:

Please go for treatment for this. They have special treatments for both depression and eating disorders. Don't end your life. I'm sorry about your mom but surely she would want to you go on and be happy and healthy.
:grouphug:
 
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george81

Member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
12
Location
birmingham
thank you all for your kind replies. It helps to have a place like this to be able to just have a rant and get things out of your system. This past week I have eaten very well as i have stayed with my dad to keep him company and its hard to not eat because he cooks food for me and i didn't want to ruin what was already a hard christmas by refusing food and making him suspicious. I have felt guilty and greedy for eating and have self harmed to compensate for eating. I felt uncomfortable seeing my weight creep up a little (i weigh myself daily several times so it's easy to see when a couple of grams has gone on or off!). when i go back to living on my own it will be easy to lose that weight again and go back to eating just the basics. I also feel guilty eating when i think about how my poor mom was unable to eat due to her cancer and she was wasting away in front of us and i feel guilty now for those times i ate in front of her. Even my dad refused to eat in front of her but i stupidly kept stuffing my face. There's a strong need to punish myself not only for that but other things i have done in life which has led to sadness and pain to other people and the guilt doesn't change their situation but it seems only appropriate to me and that i have no right to be happy and successful. A new year means nothing because nothing will change. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this and i wish you all a happy and healthy new year, please do go and get a better life if it is within your grasp, you all deserve it.
 
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george81

Member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
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Location
birmingham
I'm not sure, all through my life I've gone off food during times of stress and depression and lost weight but it's either slowly resolved itself or I've been on antidepressants which evened things out a bit. It's still persisting after 10 months this time but that's not unusual but now I've seen I've put on 3kg in a week due to sheer greed and being out of control and I'm panicking how to get it back off quickly! The voice in my head tells me I'm greedy and ugly when I eat but I know when I go back to living on my own at my flat I can start reducing my food intake as before so I think I can regain control. Best wishes to you all x
 
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george81

Member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
12
Location
birmingham
I'm not sure, I really don't think it's anorexia, it's not that i think I'm fat or anythign like that but it's more that I don't deserve to eat and I want to have some control in my life when I have no control over anything else. I have put on too much weight in a week which is ridiculous so now I feel I must get back on track and get back down to the weight I was and carry on. I think it's more self punishment. I feel disgusted by my body but it's not looks wise it's more i must punish the body. Starve it and punish it, I don't deserve to be healthy and eating and carrying on like life is normal because I have caused distress and unhappiness to others so how can I go and live life like it's normal when it's not? Thank you again for your replies x
 
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C

Charliedragonfly

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Joined
Jun 8, 2019
Messages
76
Location
England
Please seek help, your life has a positive impact on so many people and they want to see you healthy and happy!! I'm genuinely concerned for you and I think it would be best if you went and saw a doctor. Your mum would never want this for you, or your dad.

A doctor/therapist can help you get back on track - not by taking away your coping mechanism of not eating, but by showing you other ways to cope with the feeling of lack of control that are just as helpful, if not more, because they'll gradually lead you back on track. And before you say anything, no, you are not a burden, doctors and therapists literally ARE happy to help. They ENJOY treating people like you who need help the most!! Best wishes to you, I hope things improve this year xxx

(And there is always hope, early last year I was anorexic, now I'm back to a healthy weight and still need therapy desperately, but I understand that if I wanted to lose weight that option is still open to me if I was really desperate to. Whilst this thinking isn't perfect, it makes me feel like I'm in control without meaning I lose weight)
 
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