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poptart

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I hope this isn't something that irritates the regulars here...but if I listed some symptoms, do you think you could suggest what might be wrong with me, if anything at all, and how to get help?

I'm a 22 year old male and bluntly I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm not going to sugarcoat anything, I've never told anyone in person all of this, I don't know what I want to get out of this, but I feel compelled to vent somewhere. I recently started college, after doing 4 years in the military. While in the military, I never sought help because I was afraid of being kicked out. Anyway I've been in college for a few weeks now, and here's what's going on:

I can't relate to anyone. I currently have no one I would call a friend here, in fact I only have one friend in life, he has been my best friend since my childhood, nothing at all like me, I have no idea why he tolerates me, but we get along well and always have...besides that I have no one, only a few acquaintances here and there, no one that I feel any connection to...my mother, father, and brother are all good people that try to reach out to me, but I feel nothing for them either...I do everything I can to avoid them, I refuse to go back home unless I absolutely have to, I would sooner bankrupt myself than take any assistance from them. It always been like this, around my best friend I'm outgoing, happy, and all that, around everyone else I keep my mouth shut and don't even talk unless it's absolutely necessary, I just communicate with nods and gestures.

In the military and high school, people would reach out to me, male and female, and depending on how I was feeling that day, I would either humor them or brush them off...in this way I made some of the acquaintances I have today, people that care about me but are utterly confused about my cold demeanor. Over time most of them give up on me, give up on trying to get me to go places with them and such and then it's like we've never met, we'll never talk again. This has happened more times than I can count.

I do incredibly well in school, and I always have, because I hate the idea of failing at anything and I'm horribly competitive, to the point that I resent people that are better than me at anything, and this includes anything I feel I'm good at, from academics to sports to whatever. I don't feel depressed, just empty. The thought of suicide has occurred to me, but I've never seriously considered it and to be honest my will to live is too strong. I hope none of you take this as a threat or anything, trust me it's not, I would never hurt myself, and that includes any sort of cutting or anything like that.

Sexually, I've avoided any kind of intimate relationship since high school, and that's the last time I went steady with someone. Strangely enough I'm very attractive and can easily find men my age that will do anything for me...I suppose I should mention that I'm bisexual. I meet them online, that way I can lie to them and lead them to believe I'm a completely normal, well adjusted individual (I can usually play this facade very well with strangers). I've had sex with many men, always somewhat anonymous in nature and never in a steady manner...I'm equally attracted to females but to be honest I have no idea what women think of me, it's much easier for me to understand men so I suppose that's why I go to them when I need intimacy...and it's just a lot easier to hook up with guys.

I always feel so neutral, nothing excites or stimulates me anymore. Nothing is very funny to me, the only humor that I have in my life is internalized, I think it's funny when I lie to people about mundane things like my name, what I did on a weekend, what I like to do in my free time, really I'll lie about anything and this confuses a lot of people and keeps them from knowing if I'm ever serious about anything...I come up with crazy things just to see if the other person is gullible enough to believe me, and this makes me laugh on the inside, like a little prank. Nothing makes me sad either, but I would say I'm an empathetic person, I am grieved by the plight of others but often times don't know how to express it...I reserve all judgment of others, or at least try to.

Here in school, the only relationships I have are professional in nature, through volunteer projects and clubs. I never see anyone in my free time, nor do I ever want to. This is something else I'll lie to people about, I'll make up stuff that I have to do to get out of going to things...I don't like to give people enough information for them to figure out how fucked up my life is, so I'll tell them that I have a ton of friends and my life is peaches and sunshine. This is also what I always tell my family, but I know they suspect otherwise. Also, it's probably worth mentioning that I'm incredibly impatient with people sometimes...some days, if someone is talking in class or at the library, I'll have no problems with looking right at them and telling them to shut the fuck up. Other days I'll just ignore things that irritate me.

Part of me never wants this to change, I'm so comfortable being isolated, and then part of me screams for love or friendship or just to be noticed once in a while. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed, but I don't know by what. I'm really sorry for this wall of text, but I'm just so sure that deep down I'm seriously not a healthy individual, and this is the only way I could express that, through this kind of stream of consciousness writing.
 
Last edited:
SimonB

SimonB

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
938
Location
United Kingdom
Hi

Hi

You had a lot to get of your chest I see. Hmmm well I don't know how it works in the US, but seems to me you need some help to deal with all of that. Men deal with mental health problems in very different ways.

Is there a reliable doctor you can see or mental health service you can refer to?


Simon
 
iffybob

iffybob

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
4,858
Location
England
Learn

Hi, .. its sounds that you have a hard time coping with everything that goes on around you... many people do, but some of the things that you have said do sound that you need to see a profesional prob a psychologyst and talk through with them on a one to one,... at least learn some coping stratergys to make you life a little easyer..

Not every one is a compleate social person, unless all of this is interfering with your life the way you want it to be, I would not worry too much, you notice that you are to one side of the norm, and it sounds that you have examined the way you behave and feel to try and understand that,.. but every one is to one side or the other of the norm..

.. as long as you are not actualy hurting some one, dont knock yourself about it, you are just going your own way..

As to what "may" be wrong with you.., truth is it could be one of a whole range of things that come across as similar.. but would be treated very differntly, and I dont want to speculate... that would be wrong of me to do so.. thats why you need the one to one ... if your collage has a councling service, it may be an idea just to have a few sessions with them esp if its not going to cost you anything.

I do want to point out one thing... a "mental health problem" is only a problem if it interfers with your life in a way that it is debilitating to you,... ie it interfers with you getting on in life.. or causes you problems , ie with the law etc... if you are happy with your life, and you are not hurting any one, then you are just differnt.. and that is perfectly fine...

.. good luck.. take care ... boB .. (y)
 
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