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Please help

I

InPain

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Slovakia
Hello, I am new to this forum and I am really suffering right now. Out of nowhere I got this thought towards my son again 'please die finally'. It hurts me so much. I do not want anyone to die. I do not know what to do. My head is telling me to wash my hands and clean everything I touched otherwise those thoughts will come true. And my therapist is telling me not to wash anything. I do not want to risk anyone's life. Please help me someone. Is there anyone else who had similar OCD issues?
 
M

Mister_Fabulous formerly BetaMale

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Joined
Aug 17, 2018
Messages
1,389
Location
India
I have OCD too (checking, not contamination related) and I agree with your therapist. You won't be risking anyone's life by not washing anything.
 
Nate

Nate

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2019
Messages
314
Location
Augusta, Maine
Hello, I am new to this forum and I am really suffering right now. Out of nowhere I got this thought towards my son again 'please die finally'. It hurts me so much. I do not want anyone to die. I do not know what to do. My head is telling me to wash my hands and clean everything I touched otherwise those thoughts will come true. And my therapist is telling me not to wash anything. I do not want to risk anyone's life. Please help me someone. Is there anyone else who had similar OCD issues?
I can relate, years ago when my son was young I would have terrible thoughts and images about hurting him it was a awful time. I did get through it though due to intense therapy. You have to remember that OCD will almost always focus on the one we love the most, you'll have thoughts like your an awful parent or you might think that you will go crazy and lose control. But in reality you would never do awful things or want bad thing's to happen to your loved one. Your going to be ok, what your dealing with is just thoughts, don't try to surpress them they will only get stronger, try to just let the thoughts pass it will take practice. Please know that you are a good parent.
 
I

InPain

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Slovakia
I have OCD too (checking, not contamination related) and I agree with your therapist. You won't be risking anyone's life by not washing anything.
Thank you for your reply @Mister_Fabulous formerly BetaMale. I appreciate that. Mine is also not contamination. I just have a bad thought like the one mentioned and I have to wash my hands and everything I touched to neutralize it or prevent that from happening. It sounds crazy I know. Currently I am more than two months compulsions free. But those thoughts are getting worse and worse. I am just too scared that I haven't cleaned and washed anything for such a long time.
 
I

InPain

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Slovakia
I can relate, years ago when my son was young I would have terrible thoughts and images about hurting him it was a awful time. I did get through it though due to intense therapy. You have to remember that OCD will almost always focus on the one we love the most, you'll have thoughts like your an awful parent or you might think that you will go crazy and lose control. But in reality you would never do awful things or want bad thing's to happen to your loved one. Your going to be ok, what your dealing with is just thoughts, don't try to surpress them they will only get stronger, try to just let the thoughts pass it will take practice. Please know that you are a good parent.
Thank you @Nate for your kind words. OCD is literally ruining my life. I know that I would never ever hurt anyone or wanted bad things happen to anyone. And that is why I do not understand why do I have such a horrible thoughts. And it is getting much worse since I gave up on compulsions or my washing and cleaning rituals. Since then I have such a strong feeling that by not doing those rituals I am risking someone else's life :( I just do not want anyone to die.
 
Contramike

Contramike

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Joined
Jan 27, 2010
Messages
425
Location
Colorado
Hello, I am new to this forum and I am really suffering right now. Out of nowhere I got this thought towards my son again 'please die finally'. It hurts me so much. I do not want anyone to die. I do not know what to do. My head is telling me to wash my hands and clean everything I touched otherwise those thoughts will come true. And my therapist is telling me not to wash anything. I do not want to risk anyone's life. Please help me someone. Is there anyone else who had similar OCD issues?
I'm sorry that your having to go through this. OCD is very difficult to counter with logic and emotion. You're on the right track with your therapist. Maybe they have different ways of coping that they haven't discussed with you yet. "Thought stopping" is a popular one. Meditation worked best for me. (Meditation is easier said than done when you're having horrible, intrusive thoughts.)

Also, the thoughts your hearing are not coming from -you-. Your mind is in hyper-speed spinning off these super intense thoughts that are not your own. Don't associate who you are with these thoughts. They are not you own.
 
I

InPain

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Slovakia
I'm sorry that your having to go through this. OCD is very difficult to counter with logic and emotion. You're on the right track with your therapist. Maybe they have different ways of coping that they haven't discussed with you yet. "Thought stopping" is a popular one. Meditation worked best for me. (Meditation is easier said than done when you're having horrible, intrusive thoughts.)

Also, the thoughts your hearing are not coming from -you-. Your mind is in hyper-speed spinning off these super intense thoughts that are not your own. Don't associate who you are with these thoughts. They are not you own.
Thank you @Contramike for your kind words. I really appreciate that. I was trying to do mindfullness but with a little babyboy it is just so hard. Also my husband is leaving us very often for one, two or three weeks as he misses his friends and he rather spend his time with them than with us so basically I have to take care of everything by myself. But this OCD...I just do not know how to deal with it sometimes. I am like two months without compulsions but the feeling that I am risking someone's life is killing me. Most of the time I remind myself that I am risking someone's life by carrying out those compulsions and not by ignoring those thoughts and not performing all those washing rituals. It is like a game with OCD - once I get the thought and OCD keeps saying that I have to wash my hands now and I have to clean everything I touched otherwise those thoughts will come true I tell myself ok OCD it is like this - if I wash my hands now and start to clean everything I touched while having that thought it means that I agree with that thought and then I am risking the life of that person but if I ignore it and I am not giving in compulsions then it means nothing and it means that I know what I want and what I do not want and I am not risking anyone's life.
But when having a thought like this one I had I just doubt myself and do not really know what to do. I panic and I am so scared. I just do not want anyone to die. It is like I do not know how to neutralize those thoughts or prevent them from happening.
 
B

basil and oregano

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2021
Messages
259
Location
Athens, Greece
I'm struggling with very similar things every day, more especially, when I lie down in bed to sleep. I remember having them when I was in primary school, too.

I agree with your therapist in that nobody is going to get hurt if you don't wash your hands. The most helpful thing, in my opinion, is to keep going to therapy, and to be as open as possible when talking about your issues. That's usually the hard part.

Hope you find lots of strength and help to deal with this problem.
 
I

InPain

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Slovakia
I'm struggling with very similar things every day, more especially, when I lie down in bed to sleep. I remember having them when I was in primary school, too.

I agree with your therapist in that nobody is going to get hurt if you don't wash your hands. The most helpful thing, in my opinion, is to keep going to therapy, and to be as open as possible when talking about your issues. That's usually the hard part.

Hope you find lots of strength and help to deal with this problem.
Thank you @basil and oregano for all your kind words. I appreciate that. I am trying to be very open during the therapy. It was very hard to talk about my thoughts in front of someone else. I did it and it was good. I am free from compulsions for more than 2 months now but those thoughts are still getting worse and worse. I have to do something wrong :/ I have already planned another visit of my therapist to see what is going on. As soon as the anxiety is lower I can see that there is no logic behind - washing hands because of bad thoughts, hands have nothing to do with my thoughts and thoughts are not created in my hands, so why am I washing my hands. It has no logic at all. Byt my brain keeps telling me, yes, you have to do it otherwise those thoughts will come true. And I always have to get through that anxiety and it takes so long when having thoughts like this one for example. Basically I feel like I am stucked in sime kind of loop and I am not able to find the way out although I know that my compulsions have no logic in terms of my OCD. I would understand washing my hands and everything I touched while suffering from contamination OCD or something like that but in my case it has absolutely no logic and I did for so many years. But it is sooo hard to give up on those compulsions because of that 'but what if'. Do you face something similar?
 
B

basil and oregano

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2021
Messages
259
Location
Athens, Greece
Thank you @basil and oregano for all your kind words. I appreciate that. I am trying to be very open during the therapy. It was very hard to talk about my thoughts in front of someone else. I did it and it was good. I am free from compulsions for more than 2 months now but those thoughts are still getting worse and worse. I have to do something wrong :/ I have already planned another visit of my therapist to see what is going on. As soon as the anxiety is lower I can see that there is no logic behind - washing hands because of bad thoughts, hands have nothing to do with my thoughts and thoughts are not created in my hands, so why am I washing my hands. It has no logic at all. Byt my brain keeps telling me, yes, you have to do it otherwise those thoughts will come true. And I always have to get through that anxiety and it takes so long when having thoughts like this one for example. Basically I feel like I am stucked in sime kind of loop and I am not able to find the way out although I know that my compulsions have no logic in terms of my OCD. I would understand washing my hands and everything I touched while suffering from contamination OCD or something like that but in my case it has absolutely no logic and I did for so many years. But it is sooo hard to give up on those compulsions because of that 'but what if'. Do you face something similar?
Yes, of course. Washing is my no. 1 compulsion, made stronger by the current covid situation. It is true that there is no logic behind it, no rational logic, but there is a connection, a kind of psychological "logic". I think the emphasis is on making yourself "clean". "Clean" has some associations: healthy, good, safe/secure, maybe even strong. So, maybe you are trying to push away thoughts which make you feel threatened/insecure, or give you the impression that you are a bad person.

In my experience, when I remember painful things, I feel that they "spread out" inside me, almost like the "corruption" you sometimes see on TV or videogames. This feeling is terrible, so I try to do something to push it away, to "rid" my mind and body of this. Usually I wash the spot that feels "contaminated". Other times, I precisely arrange the position of things, for example, the bathroom door or the water tap's lid. But the key lies in exactly these painful memories and the way they make me feel. Only by examining them and talking about them in therapy do I get better.

So, it's a very good thing that you keep going to therapy, and an excellent job that you are trying your best to be honest and open about it. I'd personally suggest that you keep going, and keep searching.

A small note: are your family, perhaps, deeply religious? I grew up in a very superstitious environment. People actually thought that, whenever misfortune would strike you, you must have had done something to cause it. God's punishment and all that. So, maybe, if you grew up with similar people around you, you might carry that thought style to this day, and it could show up in your OCD as well.
 
Contramike

Contramike

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2010
Messages
425
Location
Colorado
Thank you @Contramike for your kind words. I really appreciate that. I was trying to do mindfullness but with a little babyboy it is just so hard. Also my husband is leaving us very often for one, two or three weeks as he misses his friends and he rather spend his time with them than with us so basically I have to take care of everything by myself. But this OCD...I just do not know how to deal with it sometimes. I am like two months without compulsions but the feeling that I am risking someone's life is killing me. Most of the time I remind myself that I am risking someone's life by carrying out those compulsions and not by ignoring those thoughts and not performing all those washing rituals. It is like a game with OCD - once I get the thought and OCD keeps saying that I have to wash my hands now and I have to clean everything I touched otherwise those thoughts will come true I tell myself ok OCD it is like this - if I wash my hands now and start to clean everything I touched while having that thought it means that I agree with that thought and then I am risking the life of that person but if I ignore it and I am not giving in compulsions then it means nothing and it means that I know what I want and what I do not want and I am not risking anyone's life.
But when having a thought like this one I had I just doubt myself and do not really know what to do. I panic and I am so scared. I just do not want anyone to die. It is like I do not know how to neutralize those thoughts or prevent them from happening.
I've been there. I'm sorry your husband isn't around to help you with everything...and a baby? I'm guessing there's more to this story, but I'll leave it at that. Even without the OCD, just raising a child on your own is a herculean task. I think you maybe need to give yourself a lot of credit for doing all of this on your own.

I'm guessing you have trouble sleeping? I always did. This guided meditation helped me.


As she says in the video, you are not your thoughts. Think about laying back in a chair in a quiet place and breathing deeply and slowly. Those thoughts will boil up like bubbles - But try not to interact with them. Just let them go and keep breathing deeply. You can acknowledge them, but don't act on them. They go away by themselves. They might pop back up again, but keep letting them go.

The reason we keep having these thoughts are that we are giving them attention, so they come back. Kind of like a wild animal. If you give it food, it will keep coming back until you stop, and, ultimately, go away forever.

One idea I can't stress enough is that giving the thought attention is the same as acting on it (compulsion). A lot of people experience OCD without acting on the physical compulsions. That's known as "Pure-O" OCD. However, the mental compulsions work the same way as the physical ones. If we stop engaging with the thoughts we don't want to, we stop acting on the thoughts we don't want to. It takes lots of time spent meditating, but you will get it under control, which can't be easy when raising a child.

Let me know if any of this works (or even makes sense).
 
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