Please help

[Control1234]

new to the forum, I recently went through something that caused me to take stock of my life and made me realise what an awful person I have been, I have made some terrible terrible mistakes and had some awful, unforgivable thoughts during my life. I don’t know why I did the things I did or thought and I am so ashamed that I don’t think I can live or deserve to live anymore. On top of this I am causing my wife and family to suffer with they way I am now as I am severely depressed and they don’t deserve this suffering even though I do. Will it be enough to try and be a better person moving forward? I don’t think I can redeem myself but is it worth trying? I have so many regrets and I also regret that I never realised earlier and changed my ways before this. I am haunted by it all and just feel like I can’t move on or deserve to move on. I just want to erase it all. I feel like no matter how much medication or therapy I do this will never go away. I just want someone to tell me what to do.

 

[Talina]

You can’t change the past but you can change for the future, to try become a better person for your family and become someone you can accept. Even though it won’t change the past, I think it’s good when a person want to change for the better than not doing it. So it’s always worth trying to become a better person.

 

[Jam1990]

You can absolutely change and you always have the chance to become a better person. We are all human and we all make mistakes. You could start working on forgiving yourself and trying to be better each day than you were previously. Hope you find some peace.

 

[Ian Haines]

It's rarely too late to do the right thing! Reinvent yourself, and spend the rest of your life good-heartedly compensating for what you feel you've done wrong! Be a Born-Again Good Guy!

 

[Foxjo]

You sound like me. I always over analyse what I've said to people. Blame myself for things going wrong. Hating myself for being the way I am.
It's hard to forgive yourself. But you need to try. The past is that...the past we cannot change it no matter how much we think about it.
Keep talking
Hugs
Fox

 

[Control1234]

Thanks everyone. I just feel like I now realise I didn’t have much of a moral compass before and this life changing event has given me one and I just don’t understand why I was the way I was. I don’t know if I can bear living with the guilt and shame. I just feel like I am beyond redemption and I can’t believe I got myself into this mess. I only have myself to blame. I have kids who I don’t want to mess up but the way I am being now in this depressed state will mess them up and if I end it I will mess them up too.

 

[OCDguy]

I can't tell you what to do, but what I will say is people are generally very forgiving if someone is sincere in their misgivings. As people it is my belief we want to continue to grow and develop in a positive way, and this is what we should strive to do, for the benefit of ourselves and also for the benefit of others'. When thinking about depression just now, a thought came into my head about nourishing the soul. If we are deprived of what makes us tick, our spirits often become deflated, uninspired etc. I wonder if indulging in what makes you tick might lift your spirits, aswell as turning over a new leaf (or maybe they are one of the same). Hope this helps

 

[Ian Haines]

Thanks everyone. I just feel like I now realise I didn’t have much of a moral compass before and this life changing event has given me one and I just don’t understand why I was the way I was. I don’t know if I can bear living with the guilt and shame. I just feel like I am beyond redemption and I can’t believe I got myself into this mess. I only have myself to blame. I have kids who I don’t want to mess up but the way I am being now in this depressed state will mess them up and if I end it I will mess them up too.

You have a January 1st not too far away, and you have a lot of planning to do!
Start planning!

 

[bpd2020]

Hello and welcome to the forum. I think it is commendable to acknowledge you are not pleased about things and to want to change. This tells me you are already changing because you already want to be a kinder person. You are not letting your family down by being depressed. You cannot help feeling depressed and please never be ashamed of feeling low. I think your idea of trying therapy is so positive. It will help you to make sense of how you are feeling and learn how to forgive yourself too.

 

[OCDguy]

You have a January 1st not too far away, and you have a lot of planning to do!
Start planning!

??

 

[Control1234]

Thank you all for the support. I know what kind of person I want to be and I want to help people if I can survive this. It’s funny how when you are considering the end of your life you see how simple it all really is and you see the beauty in everything. Why didn’t I appreciate everything I had before all this? Why did it take something life altering to get me to wake up? I can’t believe the person I was before and the thoughts I had. I never even thought about my mind before all this, I just sauntered through life unaware, judging others when it’s me who should be judged. I just hope that those above watching whoever they may be can see how truly sorry I am and can let me have another chance which I know I don’t deserve.

 

[bpd2020]

It sounds like you were not that way on purpose. You did not try to do any of those things. It just happened to be the way you were. You have recognised that and you want to change. You do deserve another chance.

 

[Ian Haines]

...which I know I don’t deserve.

Deserve it, later!

 

[Control1234]

It sounds like you were not that way on purpose. You did not try to do any of those things. It just happened to be the way you were. You have recognised that and you want to change. You do deserve another chance.

I really didn’t realise. I feel like a mirror has been held up to me and I just now see the errors of my ways and I am horrified and I don’t want to be that person anymore.

 

[bpd2020]

I really didn’t realise. I feel like a mirror has been held up to me and I just now see the errors of my ways and I am horrified and I don’t want to be that person anymore.

Now you can work on being the person you want to be. I have every confidence you can do it.