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K

Kira14

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Jun 10, 2018
Messages
5
I'm 32 and most of my life I've had a huge fear of people leaving me, especially in relationships.
I grew up seeing men come and go, my dad left when I was 5 and he never really bothered with me, full of false hope and promises. I went on to see men cheat on and abuse my mother (not my mother's fault). There was also a bit of suspicion surrounding one of my mother's partners in regards of whether I was abused by him at a young age all this is around the time all my mental health problems started, approx 8/9 years old. It started with finding recording devices in my bedroom, then I started getting pains down below which no one took any notice of, but I remember them being painful,
and when noone listened (I didn't dare tell my mum) I stopped trying to tell people. I became angry and withdrawn. I used to live in an imaginary world and pretend I was someone or something else all the time. I was described by other people as weird. To me, looking back, this was my way of dealing with things. This same guy broke into our house once my mum left him and wrote letters in blood, enough to traumatise a child. I didn't sleep with the light off until I reached about 14/15. Throughout school I was bullied and told I'm ugly and not worth anything and even in relationships gone through the same thing, had domestic violence and emotional/mental bullying.
Growing up my relationships have been very intense. I fear they're all going to leave, so I push them away and tell them I don't want them in order to save myself from the hurt of them leaving me, when really all I want is for them to stay, I can't make sense of it and I get very frustrated. I can't cope with my emotions, the littlest thing sets me off, I can go into a huge rage within seconds over them choosing to see a friend over me, i don't feel I can control my emotions, but yet I'm the most loving and passionate person you will meet, I crave love, I'm just too overwhelmed by paranoia,anxiety and panic.
I get extremely paranoid and worry about things that aren't worth worrying about, like other women or my man having female friends, and I find it hard to think rationally. I can rethink the things that upset me for days at a time and find it hard to let them go. My emotions are so unstable and unpredictable I'm either positive or negative, no in-between. I think about suicide a lot although I don't feel I'll ever go through with it, but I sometimes wish something would happen to me, I've self harmed often and I'm doing my utmost to stop myself doing it as I hate my children seeing my scars.
Over a year ago I got diagnosed with disassociative attacks which is where my brain shuts off due to extreme stress or emotions, and at other times when these don't happen I feel like I'm living in a dream world and when I look in a mirror I feel it's not me looking back.
In attempts to feel better about myself I've done alcohol abuse and had one night stands. This is something I've now changed but I still find myself thinking about it in order to take my mind off all the crap.
My partner at the moment doesn't understand, I've explained about my past and what goes off in my head, but he tells me it's all in my head and that I'm crazy, which just makes me feel even worse. The name calling is the worse, being called psycho, mental, crazy and nuts for having intense feelings makes me want to die and I go into a huge depression over it.
Please help me, I don't what to do, or whether I even have this condition, but after reading in depth about it, it sounds like me. I don't know who to turn to incase I get shunned and laughed at.
Sorry for the essay
 
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C

Candy19

Guest
I'm so sorry to hear all the horrible experiences you've had, you deserve a lot better. It's terrible that your current partner is calling you names, you aren't crazy or psycho. He clearly knows extremely little about mental illnesses and how the past can affect your present

I think you need to find a trustworthy therapist if you haven't already that will help you overcome your fears and traumas and help control your emotions. Maybe bring your partner along so he gets an understanding of why you are like this?

People who suffer from mental illness need partners that will be understanding and help them through, otherwise things can backfire and its likely you will remain stuck
 
K

Kira14

Member
Joined
Jun 10, 2018
Messages
5
Thank you Melodiousa, I don't currently have a therapist as I'm scared to see someone about this incase they too think I'm just crazy.
As for my partner, I've told him we shouldn't see each other anymore a few times as he isn't helping me feel better and doubt I will get better if he's in background saying these things, but he won't leave and I continue to feel a little bullied into staying.
 
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C

Candy19

Guest
If you find a therapist that thinks you're crazy, then they shouldn't be in that profession. Everything you've said is normal considering how much you've been through, you may feel alone, but I think you'd be surprised how many people can also relate

You're right, if he keeps calling you names and belittling you, then you need to find a way to escape for your own well being

I wish you all the best
 
Anon_21

Anon_21

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Feb 24, 2018
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You are definitely not crazy, and I'm so sorry you have been made to feel that way. I agree that a therapist would be a good start for you--their job is to listen and be compassionate and help you work through your mental struggles. Please try to reach out to someone. If after a while you don't feel it is helping, you have every right to leave or find another therapist.

As for your partner, I would strongly urge you to get away from him. Perhaps it is not my place to say that, but my first thought with all the name calling is that this relationship is only hurting you worse. Then to read that you feel bullied into staying made me very concerned. No matter what mental illness you struggle with, you are a strong, capable woman who has every right to break off a relationship whenever you want.

I have not experienced abuse like you have, but I still go through many of the same emotions and actions you describe. I also have a very understanding husband and a beautiful daughter that help convince me life is still worth fighting for. So don't give up looking for a solution, and don't waste your time on people who will only bring you down. I'm sure there are many wonderful things in your future. X
 
K

Kira14

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Joined
Jun 10, 2018
Messages
5
Thank you anon_21, I too have children, 3 gorgeous sons who are the only thing I stay around for..I know if it wasn't for them I'd have been gone a long time ago.

I will be seeking help now, only problem is I can't afford a private therapist so have to wait to be seen through doctor's and been told this can be up-to 6 months which is a little soul destroying, but it's a start.

I'm just worried that with each day that goes by I'm getting worse, my partner sat calling me pathetic and crazy last night and literally listed all my downfalls to me after he said something that upset me and knew it would set me off on one of my paranoid attacks.
I don't feel I'm able to control my anxiety when this happens, which then leads to anger. I'm scared that I'll turn on myself, last night it took all my strength not to self harm.

Has anyone had to go through anything similar? I feel so alone
 
Anon_21

Anon_21

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Don't feel alone, I used to go through the same thing. My husband is very sweet and kind but I could still fly off the handle over a random comment. It would feel like everything was caving in around me and I wasn't in control of anything. Taking an antidepressant stopped those episodes, and my gp prescribed xanax when I feel the panic coming on.

I can't imagine what it must be like for a partner to call me crazy or pathetic. That sounds like emotional abuse and I really hope you are able to get away from it. I'm glad you have your sweet boys and that you were able to avoid self harming last night. I know how hard that can be too.

Yes, therapy can take a while, but you can always use the forum to help you out in the meantime, and maybe your doc can prescribe something to help you manage as well. You can also pm me if you need to. Best of luck to you, hang in there :hug:
 
K

Kira14

Member
Joined
Jun 10, 2018
Messages
5
I am on a strong dose of antidepressants to help with my anxiety, although the doctor doesn't think I have depression, and neither do I to be honest, which is why I started wondering if I had bpd.
They help slightly but don't stop the intensity of my emotions when something negative happens or gets said. I honestly don't know how I'm going to move on in life and be happy. No one is going to put up with me.

Its weird as I feel I need to be alone, but at the same time I crave the love and attention of someone.
It's a no win situation. It's sad as many of my ex partners have said i tick every box and I'd be perfect if I didn't have these issues which makes me feel to blame for every failed relationship. This only adds to my worry that whoever I'm with will just eventually leave me.
 
Anon_21

Anon_21

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You are definitely not to blame. This is a mental condition, so you just have to find someone who understands that instead of someone who tries to love just the good parts of you. You won't find a partner who is perfect either, so don't let anyone make you feel that you are less than wonderful.

My partner and I have been married almost 10 yrs and I still tell him sometimes he should've found someone better, deserves someone better. I understand that conflict completely between needing to be alone and desperately craving love.

I have depression too so i guess that's why the AD helped me a little more, though I will admit it didn't help the anger. And I still had the emotional swings, just not to such a strong degree. But since getting off them I've come to realize how much sugar and caffeine set those mood swings off so Im having to change my diet to help cope. It is difficult to live with but can be done successfully, and you can still find someone who loves and appreciates you for the wonderful person you are.
I would suggest getting on that waiting list for a therapist and trying other coping mechanisms in the meantime. Best of luck to you :hug:
 
J

JackieJ

Member
Joined
Nov 6, 2017
Messages
6
Thank you so much for sharing your past and present situation. I agree with what has already been suggested regarding seeking counseling or therapy. Its a shame that you may have to wait for so long, but I encourage you to stay the course. Until then, have you considered contacting churches in your area? Some churches have counseling services that you may be able to access for free or for a nominal fee. They may also be able offer referrals.

I am so sorry that your partner is not able to be more supportive at this time. If you are going to remain in this relationship, you may need to modify your expectations of him. You may need to share your heart with a friend instead. I pray that you will recover, grow, and heal and that you will experience peace and well being.
 
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Anon_21

Anon_21

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How are you doing, Kira? Have you been able to resolve anything with your partner?
 
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