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Please help with intrusive thoughts about cheating!!!

Do you think this is really just Relationship OCD or am I just trying to find excuses?

  • This is Relationship OCD

  • You are being unfaithful and emotinally cheating


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K

Kristinsanxietyocd

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Jan 4, 2020
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throughout the years I have had regular OCD, sexual OCD and then for probably for freaking 6 or 7 years I have had religious OCD. That was the roughest one because I could spent 6 hours a day thinking and obsessing about it. And I never realized it was OCD! I just thought I was a bad Christian which I now see was not the point of it all, I was just so caught in my mind and it kept playing tricks with me. At one point a couple years ago the religious theme changed and I got the relationship OCD without realizing it. So the OCD never left, it just realized I didn't care that much about religion anymore all together and found a new thing I loved the most and started slowly killing me.

I am very happy with my husband of 4 years. He is the best man for me and goes out of his way to show his unconditional love. And a lot of the time I feel I don't deserve his love at all and want to leave him because he would be better off without me. For the past year I have been dealing with the most severe depression, I moved far away, I was very isolated, had no friends and missed my hometown. I had so many mental breakdowns, it's hard to count. I became someone else, mean, resentful and I thought that my husband didn't love me like that. And then I started thinking maybe I didn't love him at all either.There was this new guy in the office I work at (I don't really talk much to people there at all) and he was kind of cute. I am an artist and find a lot of people very beautiful so I think I looked at him from that standpoint, at least, at first. But then when he started talking to me, all of a sudden I started feeling butterflies. i don't know if he was flirting or just being nice, but I found myself wanting to spend more time with him which I did try to do! I don't know if I actually liked the guy in a romantic way, or I just liked the attention and me being so lonely it felt nice that someone found me interesting and was flirting with me again. So maybe I just liked being wanted in a way? But I started getting super scared, like why did I even care what he thought about me, how I looked, why did I get freaking butterflies if I was only supposed to get them for my husband???). And then somehow it led me to having these intrusive thoughts about how we would be as a couple, what our sex would be like etc. And I just started thinking that hey, maybe I could cheat?? I know in my heart I am not a cheater and I love my husband more than anything. But I did find those intrusive thoughts disgusting but also kind of enjoyable at the same time.I keep thinking that this is OCD playing mind games with me and trying to ruin my life but I also keep thinking what if this time it wasn't OCD and I am just trying to find excuses for myself? What if I AM a cheater and I am just trying to find ways to explain my immoral behavior? Right now I know I would NEVER cheat but I feel like back then I felt I could do it.

The thing that scares me the most is they say intrusive thoughts mean nothing until you act on them. Well, I guess I did act on mine by seeking attention from the guy?.. I still don't know if I liked him as a friend or if I liked him more than that...it only lasted for several days and the attraction was gone forever.My husband is my everything but I am thinking of leaving him now because I know he doesn't deserve an unfaithful wife. It breaks my heart but I know if I told him he would never understand.
 
I

Its all real

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Jan 4, 2020
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Location
Denver
Different guy will be the same story IMO, find yourself first please
 
K

Kristinsanxietyocd

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Different guy will be the same story IMO, find yourself first please
I don't need another guy. I only want my husband. The guy at work was interesting and I wanted to spend time with him and that was what scared me so much. Because I wasn't sure if I liked him as a friend or if I liked him more than that. I definitely did like his attention, I liked the feeling of being liked by someone. And as soon as I started thinking about that, the thoughts about us dating and sex started appearing in my head. And when they did appear, I was tempted to keep thinking and realize if I wanted it or not, so I did. And I started doubting everything, started thinking that maybe those are not just intrusive thoughts but actual real thoughts and desires. But the truth is that even if I had a chance back then I would not cheat on my husband. At least, I want to believe so because I don't know for sure.
 
I

Its all real

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Messages
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Good luck, seems like you might be a free type spirit that needs new experiences to feel alive. Same thing gets old right, don't think its OCD. Just a inner desire to experience new things/people which is normal. Or your just a sex addict ;) love ya
 
K

Kristinsanxietyocd

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Location
California
Good luck, seems like you might be a free type spirit that needs new experiences to feel alive. Same thing gets old right, don't think its OCD. Just a inner desire to experience new things/people which is normal. Or your just a sex addict ;) love ya
I think you are right about me being a free spirit. I truly do find it hard to enjoy life without having new experiences and I actually didn't have many when this happened. That was the core reason of my depression - because things (not my relationship, more so my environment) became kind of stale and boring. I was exhausted. I want to travel, see new things, meet new people but don't have a chance to do that now. So I am depressed. With that being said, I am definitely not a sex addict haha, trust me. And there is nobody I would want to do it rather than with my husband. And I am very much monogamous. I hate even the thought of being with someone else other than my husband, sexually or emotionally, he makes my life so much better and fills it with love. And I am trying to do the same for him. And the fear of losing him over something like finding someone attractive or interesting to talk to at work is killing me. I am feeling very much suicidal right now because I feel like I betrayed not only my husband, but all of my morals. And if I did, what kind of a person am I then? Makes me want to be done with this forever.
 
I

Its all real

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Jan 4, 2020
Messages
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Location
Denver
Please fight the suicidal thoughts. I think if you take the time to understand yourself and what you need, then communicate that to him, you (and he) will be good. It all comes back to looking inside yourself to figure out what you need then communicating that to him. Sounds like you have an inner wild stallion locked up in a pen, figure it out together!
 
J

Jazzmine84

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Montreal, Canada
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. With or without OCD people will at times think of cheating and its totally normal. It’s called fantasies. Whether you share those fantasies with your husband is up to you, but remember they might just be a symptom that something is missing in your relationship. If that’s the case, you can do something about it. Try to learn or guess what is missing, then try to get it from your husband. If he loves you as much as you described, I’m sure he would’nt mind roleplaying with you, or going the extra mile to make you happy and desired.

You seem like a passionate woman, don’t feel bad about it. Have a very nice day! :)
 
I

im_broken

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Not here nor there
I can relate, I talked to an ex recently because of what im thinking now were instrusive thoughts about my relationship. I love my girlfriend to death she means the world to me but lately we haven't been having sex and it was causing me a lot of distress probably because I am a sex and love addict which i recently realized actually. Anyways i talked to my ex and we flirted and everything, but obviously i felt horrible and disgusting it literally lasted 24 hours before my anxiety got to me and i had to tell my girlfriend, she was devastated and i felt horrible. We're working through our problems and I explained to her a lot of my issues that stem from childhood abuse. For me attention and sex is the way i learned to feel whole because of my abuse, its been really hard to stop it but now that i understand whats going on in my brain it got easier.
 
K

Kpb123

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May 11, 2020
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Tennessee
I think you are right about me being a free spirit. I truly do find it hard to enjoy life without having new experiences and I actually didn't have many when this happened. That was the core reason of my depression - because things (not my relationship, more so my environment) became kind of stale and boring. I was exhausted. I want to travel, see new things, meet new people but don't have a chance to do that now. So I am depressed. With that being said, I am definitely not a sex addict haha, trust me. And there is nobody I would want to do it rather than with my husband. And I am very much monogamous. I hate even the thought of being with someone else other than my husband, sexually or emotionally, he makes my life so much better and fills it with love. And I am trying to do the same for him. And the fear of losing him over something like finding someone attractive or interesting to talk to at work is killing me. I am feeling very much suicidal right now because I feel like I betrayed not only my husband, but all of my morals. And if I did, what kind of a person am I then? Makes me want to be done with this forever.
I feel the same way right now. I know this was months ago but I wanted to know has it gotten better ? Have you had any therapy or anything ? And are you on a birth control (I know sometimes those affect our hormones)
 
I

im_broken

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Not here nor there
I think theres a misconception about love and sex addicts.. you can be one or the other. I am monogamous and i have never cheated on my gf and don't want to. All i was trying to say is that love addicts crave attention whether they're single or not. Me having issues with myself doesn't mean i dont love my girlfriend or I want someone else.
 
L

Lizaje

Guest
Yeah that's ocd. You know it by that nothings actually happened and she's obsessing over it and by that she's had serious ocd for so long with other stuff.
 
V

Vibiana

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Nov 10, 2021
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Illinois
Kristin,

I wanted to respond to your forum because I have these same worries too, and I wanted you to know that you’re not alone—not at all. My boyfriend of 4 years (going on 5🍾🎊🎉) is a wonderful human who I have the pleasure of being with. However, for the first time ever, this year I have found myself being attracted (both physically and emotionally) to a professor who shares my same research interests. These interests are religious in nature 😎 so it sounds like we might actually have a whole lot in common.

I don’t think I can answer your question of “is this relationship OCD?” or “you’re cheating” because I think that life doesn’t exist in a binary. You and I probably have really good partners (just from what I see you’ve written), but they just can’t meet 100% of our needs. That’s normal. My boyfriend is a loving, kind human who works his butt off to make sure I feel loved, appreciated, and valued—but he can’t talk to me about academic research, Biblical composition theories, or critical literacy teaching methodologies because he doesn’t know jack squat about those topics. And that is Ok—there isn’t someone out there who can 100% do all the things you and I might need. My partner does 90-95% of all the things I need in a partner. However, our brains like things to be at 100%, and when things aren’t going perfectly, we start looking for solutions. I have an inkling that these “fantasies” we have about a new and improved partner might be our brains wondering if the coworker, the professor, the guy next door, etc—if he might be the “solution” our imperfect brains might be seeking. Remember, we have neurodivergent brains, and that means we might have these fantasies, wonderings, or anxieties more often that a neurotypical person might.

Im working with my therapist right now about this issue, and she says that it’s normal to have these desires outside of your relationship. When the lust falls away, and all you have is a relationship built on love, things aren’t as exciting anymore. But I get what you mean when you say you even enjoy the fantasies (which also makes me feel a deep, guttural sense of shame because “shouldn’t I be happy with what I already have?”)I think that’s our brains dreaming of the “perfect solution” to our “problem” of not having every single personal need met. Having these fantasies doesn’t make us bad people, but acting on them might be a bad thing to do because it hurts ourselves as much as our partner.

I can say with a decent amount of confidence this is OCD-related behavior, perhaps even specific to women. What is important from here is finding a mental health care professional who can help you navigate these invasive thoughts and find ways to cope.

major takeaways:

1. You’re not alone; other people have these intrusive thoughts, and you are not a bad person because you have these thoughts.

2. The extent of rumination and anxiety surrounding these intrusive thoughts leads me to believe that the source is OCD-related.

3. Find a healthcare professional if you are able, and be open about the issues you are having so that you may find strategies that send you on the path towards healing.
 
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