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Please help with intrusive thoughts about cheating!!!

Do you think this is really just Relationship OCD or am I just trying to find excuses?

  • This is Relationship OCD

  • You are being unfaithful and emotinally cheating


Results are only viewable after voting.
K

Kristinsanxietyocd

New member
Joined
Jan 4, 2020
Messages
3
Location
California
throughout the years I have had regular OCD, sexual OCD and then for probably for freaking 6 or 7 years I have had religious OCD. That was the roughest one because I could spent 6 hours a day thinking and obsessing about it. And I never realized it was OCD! I just thought I was a bad Christian which I now see was not the point of it all, I was just so caught in my mind and it kept playing tricks with me. At one point a couple years ago the religious theme changed and I got the relationship OCD without realizing it. So the OCD never left, it just realized I didn't care that much about religion anymore all together and found a new thing I loved the most and started slowly killing me.

I am very happy with my husband of 4 years. He is the best man for me and goes out of his way to show his unconditional love. And a lot of the time I feel I don't deserve his love at all and want to leave him because he would be better off without me. For the past year I have been dealing with the most severe depression, I moved far away, I was very isolated, had no friends and missed my hometown. I had so many mental breakdowns, it's hard to count. I became someone else, mean, resentful and I thought that my husband didn't love me like that. And then I started thinking maybe I didn't love him at all either.There was this new guy in the office I work at (I don't really talk much to people there at all) and he was kind of cute. I am an artist and find a lot of people very beautiful so I think I looked at him from that standpoint, at least, at first. But then when he started talking to me, all of a sudden I started feeling butterflies. i don't know if he was flirting or just being nice, but I found myself wanting to spend more time with him which I did try to do! I don't know if I actually liked the guy in a romantic way, or I just liked the attention and me being so lonely it felt nice that someone found me interesting and was flirting with me again. So maybe I just liked being wanted in a way? But I started getting super scared, like why did I even care what he thought about me, how I looked, why did I get freaking butterflies if I was only supposed to get them for my husband???). And then somehow it led me to having these intrusive thoughts about how we would be as a couple, what our sex would be like etc. And I just started thinking that hey, maybe I could cheat?? I know in my heart I am not a cheater and I love my husband more than anything. But I did find those intrusive thoughts disgusting but also kind of enjoyable at the same time.I keep thinking that this is OCD playing mind games with me and trying to ruin my life but I also keep thinking what if this time it wasn't OCD and I am just trying to find excuses for myself? What if I AM a cheater and I am just trying to find ways to explain my immoral behavior? Right now I know I would NEVER cheat but I feel like back then I felt I could do it.

The thing that scares me the most is they say intrusive thoughts mean nothing until you act on them. Well, I guess I did act on mine by seeking attention from the guy?.. I still don't know if I liked him as a friend or if I liked him more than that...it only lasted for several days and the attraction was gone forever.My husband is my everything but I am thinking of leaving him now because I know he doesn't deserve an unfaithful wife. It breaks my heart but I know if I told him he would never understand.
 
I

Its all real

Member
Joined
Jan 4, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Denver
Different guy will be the same story IMO, find yourself first please
 
K

Kristinsanxietyocd

New member
Joined
Jan 4, 2020
Messages
3
Location
California
Different guy will be the same story IMO, find yourself first please
I don't need another guy. I only want my husband. The guy at work was interesting and I wanted to spend time with him and that was what scared me so much. Because I wasn't sure if I liked him as a friend or if I liked him more than that. I definitely did like his attention, I liked the feeling of being liked by someone. And as soon as I started thinking about that, the thoughts about us dating and sex started appearing in my head. And when they did appear, I was tempted to keep thinking and realize if I wanted it or not, so I did. And I started doubting everything, started thinking that maybe those are not just intrusive thoughts but actual real thoughts and desires. But the truth is that even if I had a chance back then I would not cheat on my husband. At least, I want to believe so because I don't know for sure.
 
I

Its all real

Member
Joined
Jan 4, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Denver
Good luck, seems like you might be a free type spirit that needs new experiences to feel alive. Same thing gets old right, don't think its OCD. Just a inner desire to experience new things/people which is normal. Or your just a sex addict ;) love ya
 
K

Kristinsanxietyocd

New member
Joined
Jan 4, 2020
Messages
3
Location
California
Good luck, seems like you might be a free type spirit that needs new experiences to feel alive. Same thing gets old right, don't think its OCD. Just a inner desire to experience new things/people which is normal. Or your just a sex addict ;) love ya
I think you are right about me being a free spirit. I truly do find it hard to enjoy life without having new experiences and I actually didn't have many when this happened. That was the core reason of my depression - because things (not my relationship, more so my environment) became kind of stale and boring. I was exhausted. I want to travel, see new things, meet new people but don't have a chance to do that now. So I am depressed. With that being said, I am definitely not a sex addict haha, trust me. And there is nobody I would want to do it rather than with my husband. And I am very much monogamous. I hate even the thought of being with someone else other than my husband, sexually or emotionally, he makes my life so much better and fills it with love. And I am trying to do the same for him. And the fear of losing him over something like finding someone attractive or interesting to talk to at work is killing me. I am feeling very much suicidal right now because I feel like I betrayed not only my husband, but all of my morals. And if I did, what kind of a person am I then? Makes me want to be done with this forever.
 
I

Its all real

Member
Joined
Jan 4, 2020
Messages
19
Location
Denver
Please fight the suicidal thoughts. I think if you take the time to understand yourself and what you need, then communicate that to him, you (and he) will be good. It all comes back to looking inside yourself to figure out what you need then communicating that to him. Sounds like you have an inner wild stallion locked up in a pen, figure it out together!
 
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