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Please help, Mother issues..

M

missm

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Oct 3, 2014
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Hello there.

I am ill with physical conditions and my mental health issues too, depression and anxiety.
I live at home with my Mother and I don't think I could manage to live by myself as I am so ill.

Anyway, my Mother is passive aggressive and very manipulative and just not such a nice person really and just now I don't know what to do or where to go for help. I am sat in tears now because of how she acts.
Sorry this may be long...

We have moved house as she wanted to. It needed a lot of work and tbh, although I am so very ill I have done everything that has been done and made myself even more ill in the process. I have painted ceilings and done everything and feel very ill for it.

Anyway today I hung a border in the front room, I carried two sets of ladders and paste table down and did all of the work. I took them all outside afterwards and then painted a radiator while she sat in the garden with the dog.
Before dinner I put the paste table in the shed but left the paste bucket as it wouldn't fit. She said it had to go in as the dog may eat it (he never would) so I said it wouldn't fit and I'll bring the dog in and do it later. She said I couldn't just leave it and so I said if she wants it done then she could do it or she could of done it while I was painting and she sat in the garden if it was that important to her.
So then she starts an argument and says I have been sitting on my bum for ages and could have done it (I was filling in important forms). So she upsets me and ruins everything I have done today. Then she starts getting upset, tells me not to cry as the neighbours will hear and know I'm crazy, look at what I have done.
I was in a good mood, I was happy with what I had done and even put away the table, she was the one who started it all because I hadn't done one extra thing, that she hadn't even asked I do.

Then she pulls her classic trick out of the book, the one she has been doing since I was twelve, but has increased since last year. Last year she thought she was having a stroke and made me call an ambulance, she wasn't, she didn't have any symptoms, but she had high blood pressure which has been treated.
So now she say whenever she starts an argument that she pins on me, she holds her arm and says I'm going to kill her, I'm putting up her blood pressure and killing her.

I don't know what to do. I'm all alone here. I don't have any friends I can turn to and I'm just stuck here with this. I can't bear it any more I really can't. I just feel like I don't want to live any more.

I really can't move out, I have no way of doing it and I love my dog, so I couldn't leave him behind to live in a bedsit, he's all I have, I don't think I would have a reason to live without him everyday.

I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for the rambling on, I just hate this. I've tried so hard and keep thinking I can live here if it looks nice no matter if this happens, but I can't, I really can't. She ruins everything and then she ALWAYS says it's me that has done it or started the argument and then that she is going to die. Right now she is still blaming me for this when I had no issue when the bucket went in.

She also will say 'Don't cry at my grave when I die'. She has been saying this for years too. It's so manipulative, it's obviously given me some issues, so whenever she may die I will have that hanging over me.

She can be nice at times, it's a shame as when we can have a nice time she is so different, but then this is just unbearable. I have no idea what to do or where to go from here.
 
Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

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hello missm, I am sorry you are having these problems with your mum. I can relate to what you say I had similar with mine, don't want to go into detail as this is your thread but I know what you mean.

I think you need to move out quite honestly because I don't think your mum is going to change, you say she has been like that since you were 12. Is there any way you can get help moving out, are you in contact with services at all and is there any way they could help you get alternative housing? You would not necessarily end up in a bedsit, sometimes people do get flats that allow them to have pets and they can get help with chores and so on from social services. If you tell them your dog is essential for you to maintain your health maybe they will be able to find you somewhere, I don't know though.

Maybe someone else will have some better ideas of how you can cope with living with your mum and make it easier for you, but from what I am hearing living there with her like this is making you feel desperate and I don't think she sounds amenable to reason imo.
 
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missm

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Oct 3, 2014
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Thank you so much for the reply.

Don't worry about it being my thread, share whatever you feel you wish, it may help me. I'm sorry you have had such a time with your own Mother too.

I forgot to add that since last year and her 'not stroke', she has been much worse and it has led to me self harming when she gets how she can, then she calls me insane.

In all honesty I know this is not the place for me, I know I need to move out. I just know in this area there are no social housing for a person on their own and to lay everything out there I am very very noise sensitive so to be in flats with people above and below me would most likely make me ill too.

I think this is why I feel so desperate, if I felt I could go anywhere then I would be out, but I'm really not up for it for health reasons and like I said my lovely dog, I just couldn't be without him and I know I would be giving him a worse life.
 
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Toasted Crumpet

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Ok but from what you are saying unless you can find a way to cope with her as she is, accepting that she may never change, then you are going to be making yourself more ill.

My mother was similar, she did similar head fucks on me that led to me acting in a way deemed mad by others eg going out at night in my night clothes as I could not bear to spend another minute alone in the house with her, of course I had to return as I had nowhere to go, but the thing is by staying you may well be making yourself ill.

I know what you mean about social housing and noise too, as I am the same, and I did have problems with other people's noise when I moved out but it is not the same as having someone related to you who has some familial bond with you doing a total headfuck - you can complain about noise or ask the person to turn it down or sane rational things to do, you can't do that with your mum it sounds like.

I don't think either it sounds like your mum would seek help about her behaviour, so I am not sure what else you could do. Would she agree to something like partitioning the house off into 2 separate flats?

I think you have nothing to lose by doing some investigation into what your options are in terms of social housing. If it is something you feel would be worse for you and your dog, you don't have to take it.

You are not insane , but she is behaving in a way to provoke you, my mum did the same, it is frustration and despair, but you are not dealing with a rational person here that is the thing, she will not see what effect her behaviour has on you.
 
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missm

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Oct 3, 2014
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Thank you toasted crumpets, I may well have to ask.

I told my GP last year about her and am seeking some therapy now partly because of her. I have done the same thing, leave the house not dressed to just to escape. You just need distance.

I know it sounds silly, but the house is so nice and I have put all of my limited energy into it and I have paid for most of the things, so if I leave for some noisy tiny place and just leave her with all of my work which has made me more ill and all of my monetary input too, it just makes me even sadder.

I think it will be best to discuss options with someone though, although I just don't know how I will be able to do somethings by myself. But I do feel like I need to be away from her.

The funny thing is, if I told anyone who knows her they would never believe what she has said/done to me throughout my life. She seems like a quiet person who would never say boo to a goose and kind to everyone, but it's the way she picks on one thing and makes it into a huge argument, like who cares about a bucket?!!!

Another thing she has done is never tell me who my Father is, she used to make me pretend to kids at school I lived my father but she would not tell me who he was.
I read something when I was about ten and found out he was married with children of his own. I found out his name and theirs. She doesn't know I know it.
The crazy thing is, they live in my town, the other month I was sitting next to my half brother and sister in a restaurant by sheer coincidence. I only knew it was them because she said after they had all gone she said, Oh that's the little girl I used to babysit who is in that photo in my album, that I know to be my half sister!

I don't know, I think if I lay everything out for a therapist about her they won't believe it of her or they will think I'm mad for wanting to live that way for so long! I know something has got to give and I know she will never change either. I just have so little support, like I said I don't have any friends, so if I were to go and live alone I would be entirely on my own (except my dog of course!). I would have to make sure I have support, I'm pretty bad at asking for help.
 
Toasted Crumpet

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my mum was the same, people outside thought she was a lovely lady

But a therapist will know better, they work with people who have such experiences, they won't think you are mad it is a bit like battered person syndrome, you stay because you don't know what else to do. I can see what you mean about the house but sometimes we have to cut our losses. If there is some other way of negotiating maybe a therapist or someone else can help, stuff you bought you may be able to take with you if/when you move.

You've taken a step towards asking for help by joining the forum, so well done for that anyway it can't have been easy:hug1:
 
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