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Please help molestation intrusive thoughts

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OCD_SUCKS

Member
Joined
Aug 15, 2020
Messages
17
Location
India
I think when I was around 10 or 11, I was attracted to a friends sister who was about 3 years younger than me. Well I guess I tried to "seduce" her into liking me and getting intimate. We played hide and seek, we hid close to each other and I muttered myself that it felt good hiding close to her, it wasn't an inappropriate postion.( I know it sounds pure cringe)

Of course, I never forced myself on her or forcing on her never even crossed my mind, I didn't even know about rape at that age. I got a little bit touchy, although I never touched her private areas. But I attempted to kiss her.

I don't even remember if I wanted to get intimate the way people do. Hell, I don't even remember my age properly. I dont't know if I have OCD but I have anixety and re-occuring intrusive thoughts. So this thing bugged me few months back and I said to myself that I didn't have any malice intent and I don't even remember things properly. But it just came back after reading a post on reddit about a boy who unknowningly abused his sister when he was 10. I can't even sleep because of this. I have no idea what to do about this.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
2,338
Location
Glasgow
I think when I was around 10 or 11, I was attracted to a friends sister who was about 3 years younger than me. Well I guess I tried to "seduce" her into liking me and getting intimate. We played hide and seek, we hid close to each other and I muttered myself that it felt good hiding close to her, it wasn't an inappropriate postion.( I know it sounds pure cringe)

Of course, I never forced myself on her or forcing on her never even crossed my mind, I didn't even know about rape at that age. I got a little bit touchy, although I never touched her private areas. But I attempted to kiss her.

I don't even remember if I wanted to get intimate the way people do. Hell, I don't even remember my age properly. I dont't know if I have OCD but I have anixety and re-occuring intrusive thoughts. So this thing bugged me few months back and I said to myself that I didn't have any malice intent and I don't even remember things properly. But it just came back after reading a post on reddit about a boy who unknowningly abused his sister when he was 10. I can't even sleep because of this. I have no idea what to do about this.
Mmm thats a strange post for me.
 
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Laudanum

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2019
Messages
520
Location
Surrey
Sounds like it was a long time ago and you were very young. I doubt she even remembers it.

I used to kiss a lot of girls when I was 7-11. It used to be called kiss chase.
 
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OCD_SUCKS

Member
Joined
Aug 15, 2020
Messages
17
Location
India
Sounds like it was a long time ago and you were very young. I doubt she even remembers it.

I used to kiss a lot of girls when I was 7-11. It used to be called kiss chase.
The age gap is bothering me. We have a gap of 3 years.
 
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sunshine0908

Member
Joined
May 4, 2020
Messages
19
Location
New york
I worked at a summer camp over the summer and the kids tried to kiss each other all the time. They were the same age, but still. Given that you were 10 I don’t think the age gap is that huge of an issue. It’s not like you were into a 7/8 year old when you were 15. The fact that you are so worried and can’t sleep over this proves that you aren’t a sexual abusive person or a pedophile.
 
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Purpleplum

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
976
Location
nowhere
I disagree with the rest and I say it wasn't right and here's why:

1. You were 10/11 and she was 7/8. Major differences occur at each age when kids are growing up.

2. You say you tried to seduce her into liking you and get intimate.

Put it this way, if her parent's knew this at the time, how do you think they'd feel about It?
If this happened to a young daughter you had, how would you feel?
 
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Elisante

Taking a break
Joined
May 16, 2020
Messages
847
Location
Greece
Stop feeling guilty. There is no use. Just promise to yourself that you are never going to do it again. I don't get people that try to make you feel guilty. You were 10 years old! You cannot be a pedophile if you're a child yourself. The way you describe it, it wasn't even molestation by the way. You didn't touch her private parts and I assume you didn't manage to kiss her.
Moreover I think we all did innappropriate stuff as children.
 
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LokiPokey75

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
513
Location
United States
Hey OCD_SUCKS!

Totally agree with that username. I understand your guilt. I feel terrible for you because I know that you must be spiraling in regret over what you thought you did.

What you're going through sounds similar to something that happened to me. While I never really got close to anyone like that when I was young, I've had uncomfortable thoughts about my father. When I was younger, I suffered from fear that I wanted to sleep with him.

It really bothered me because I didn't understand it. I'd never had a relationship (still haven't) and I also didn't have any friends. At the time, I was confusing the feelings of friendliness towards my father with something sexual. Because I didn't understand that at the time, I thought I must be sick. That's what thoughts, and thoughts alone, make you feel.

I just want you to know you are not a bad person. Lingering in guilt will keep you locked in this cycle of shame forever. And you don't deserve that. The fear makes you think you do, but you don't.

What I suggest you do is try to remove that fear from your memories. It's only increasing your anxiety and making you feel responsible for something you can't change. When you remove the fear, you can move forward knowing you're not a terrible person. You've learned from your mistakes. You won't hurt anyone now.

Also, embrace the fear. If you ignore it, it only gets worse. Allow yourself to face that fear. Ask yourself questions about what you think this fear means. Does it mean you'll do this again? Does it mean you're an awful human being? Does it mean you'll receive divine punishment? None of those things are true. Once you recognize that you can get past this, that it is just fear blinding you from who you are as a person, you'll be able to be confident that you are in control of your life.

I've dealt with this since I was 13 (I'm 26 now) so I'm used to this suffering. And it is dreadful! I hope that you are able to separate the fear from your thoughts. They are neutral. Take away the fear and you'll be able to see that for yourself.

I believe in you OCD_SUCKS! Good luck to you!
 
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OCD_SUCKS

Member
Joined
Aug 15, 2020
Messages
17
Location
India
Hey OCD_SUCKS!

Totally agree with that username. I understand your guilt. I feel terrible for you because I know that you must be spiraling in regret over what you thought you did.

What you're going through sounds similar to something that happened to me. While I never really got close to anyone like that when I was young, I've had uncomfortable thoughts about my father. When I was younger, I suffered from fear that I wanted to sleep with him.

It really bothered me because I didn't understand it. I'd never had a relationship (still haven't) and I also didn't have any friends. At the time, I was confusing the feelings of friendliness towards my father with something sexual. Because I didn't understand that at the time, I thought I must be sick. That's what thoughts, and thoughts alone, make you feel.

I just want you to know you are not a bad person. Lingering in guilt will keep you locked in this cycle of shame forever. And you don't deserve that. The fear makes you think you do, but you don't.

What I suggest you do is try to remove that fear from your memories. It's only increasing your anxiety and making you feel responsible for something you can't change. When you remove the fear, you can move forward knowing you're not a terrible person. You've learned from your mistakes. You won't hurt anyone now.

Also, embrace the fear. If you ignore it, it only gets worse. Allow yourself to face that fear. Ask yourself questions about what you think this fear means. Does it mean you'll do this again? Does it mean you're an awful human being? Does it mean you'll receive divine punishment? None of those things are true. Once you recognize that you can get past this, that it is just fear blinding you from who you are as a person, you'll be able to be confident that you are in control of your life.

I've dealt with this since I was 13 (I'm 26 now) so I'm used to this suffering. And it is dreadful! I hope that you are able to separate the fear from your thoughts. They are neutral. Take away the fear and you'll be able to see that for yourself.

I believe in you OCD_SUCKS! Good luck to you!
I know i am late but thanks for the help
 
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