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Please help me understand

Mom_To_Two_Too

Mom_To_Two_Too

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2021
Messages
120
Location
Italy
What the hell is wrong with me? I'm 50 years old, overweight by about 25lbs, not in the best shape, and all I do is think about food:

Should I eat? Do I need to eat? I don't need to eat. I need to lose weight. I need to get in shape. I can go without eating. I can eat less sugar. I can eat less carbs. I can eat healthier. I can not eat until __o'clock. I can stop eating at __o'clock. I can only have protein shakes...and so on, and so on. Continuously.

Mixed with:

I'm huge. I'm flabby. My butt cheeks are about to touch the backs of my knees. I'm wide. I'm unhealthy looking. I'm way too big. I'm ugly. I'm
gross.

But then:

Oooh, I will eat everything in sight, better if it's high in carbs, high sugar, and I will do it in secret most the time because it feels good to watch Netflix and eat in me bed. But now I feel sick, and ashamed, and pissed at myself.

And then I start over. Every frikking day.

I have battled with bulimia on and off since I was a teen. I have ruined my stomach and have gastritis and heartburn so bad it has sent me to the ER. I don't do massive binges, never have. I just end up beating myself up for not resisting.

Why am I doing this STILL? After all these years? I know food makes me feel safe butI also know it makes me miserable, so please help me make sense of this.
 
Maitri

Maitri

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 24, 2021
Messages
756
Location
UK
Asking "why" and trying to understand ourselves is often pointless. We all have our instincts, problems or whatever. So its not so much making sense of it, more to see it, what it is doing to you, and wanting to change.

Are there any support groups in your area, others who have shared the same challenges?

The biggest changes can begin with the very smallest steps. Try to take a few small steps in cutting down, take pride in it, feel better in yourself. Take it from there.

As I always say, easy for me to say. But you do need a bit of will-power. Believe in yourself. All things are possible.

All the best
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2015
Messages
1,935
I don't know much about this, but you seem to have 3 specific things that might be making this issue extra difficult...

1. Lots of self-expectations. Lots of "I should", "I must" and "I need to" statements. Those kinds of thoughts put negative pressure on you.

2. Some self-hatred, at least in terms of body criticism. This can reinforce the pressure of the above "must" type thought patterns. "My butt is so big, I'm so gross. I must lose weight."

3. Then to release all that pressure and stress, you end up indulging in junk food because when your mind lives in an "eating jail" 90% of the time, that other 10% of the time it just wants to escape.
 
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