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Please help me understand

GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

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Jul 16, 2020
Messages
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Location
Glasgow
lots of fairy dust sprinkled on EVERYONE on here

love Lu xxxx
Can anyone point me i the rghy idea tiowarss finginght a sitesite forpeopkllebwith mentak hheath inm getting ri muy lrop.
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
3,699
Location
USA
Thank you so so much for your reply, you seem to be in the same situation as her so your reply means a lot to me and my understanding of things!

I hope you don’t mind me asking and if you don’t want to reply or feel uncomfortable please say, but I was wondering if maybe you have a reason for not telling your husband? You said you felt uncomfortable and I was just wondering why that is? And why you felt comfortable with those other people instead of him? I hope that’s okay to ask? I’m really sorry if not, stay safe and well.
Yeah, it's ok to ask.

Honestly, some of the things I went through and witnessed were so vile that I'm not sure how my husband would react or how it would affect him. I'm not sure he could ever look at me in the same way again. And I'm not sure how it would affect me having to see him and face him everyday knowing that he knows.

It's really hard talking about sexual abuse at all to anyone. It's so hard allowing myself to be that vulnerable. But if I am talking to someone that's been through it too I know they understand that vulnerability and so there's an unspoken trust and connection between us. They get it,they totally understand. And it's actually easier to talk to someone I don't know really well or I'm not really close to because they're just seeing me as this person that experienced something horrible,they have no other connection to me.

My husband knows I was sexually abused. I don't think the details really matter that much. I think it would be too disturbing to tell them anyway. Why would he need to know?What would be the point?
 
B

Butterfly3

Active member
Joined
May 20, 2020
Messages
37
Location
England
Yeah, it's ok to ask.

Honestly, some of the things I went through and witnessed were so vile that I'm not sure how my husband would react or how it would affect him. I'm not sure he could ever look at me in the same way again. And I'm not sure how it would affect me having to see him and face him everyday knowing that he knows.

It's really hard talking about sexual abuse at all to anyone. It's so hard allowing myself to be that vulnerable. But if I am talking to someone that's been through it too I know they understand that vulnerability and so there's an unspoken trust and connection between us. They get it,they totally understand. And it's actually easier to talk to someone I don't know really well or I'm not really close to because they're just seeing me as this person that experienced something horrible,they have no other connection to me.

My husband knows I was sexually abused. I don't think the details really matter that much. I think it would be too disturbing to tell them anyway. Why would he need to know?What would be the point?
I completely understand and again just honestly thank you so much, you talking about this it has really helped me to help my girlfriend. I feel like I understand more now.

My last question I’m sorry I’m being so annoying 😂 but for me I like to talk about the terrible things that I’ve been through as a way to connect to someone I’m close with if that makes sense? I’ve not been through anything like her and so completely understand if it’s a different case but when someone has opened up to me or I to them I feel closer and I feel our relationship is stronger, I don’t know if you feel that way? But my main question is would you not want to have that closeness with your husband?

I’m sorry for the 100 questions but thank you so very much for sharing your experience with me and allowing me some insight into what my girlfriend may be thinking it means a lot <3
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
3,699
Location
USA
Your girlfriend's reasons for not sharing the details with you might be completely different than my own.Have you talked to her about it and asked her why she hasn't?

For me personally,this isn't about my husband at all. It has nothing to do with love, nothing to do with our relationship,he doesn't " deserve" to know everything or all the details just because I'm married to him. It's a completely personal thing, it's my issue, it's my past and I have the right to share it with whoever I choose to,or not choose to. It doesn't mean I don't love him because I haven't. It doesn't mean I don't want to be close to him,it doesn't mean anything at all other than I chose not to tell him all the details.

Some things(actually many things) I have never told anyone except my therapist when I was in trauma therapy. It took years for me to get the courage to do so.Some things I have told my husband and nobody else. Some things I have told other people or shared online and haven't told him. It's what I have chosen to do for myself and unless someone has been through it I guess they can't understand the logic behind those choices.

The best thing you can do for your girlfriend is just respect her choices. Don't make it about you because it's really not about you at all. Don't ever pressure her into disclosing or make her feel like she's doing something wrong by not sharing with you.

Unless you want to push her away.
 
B

Butterfly3

Active member
Joined
May 20, 2020
Messages
37
Location
England
Your girlfriend's reasons for not sharing the details with you might be completely different than my own.Have you talked to her about it and asked her why she hasn't?

For me personally,this isn't about my husband at all. It has nothing to do with love, nothing to do with our relationship,he doesn't " deserve" to know everything or all the details just because I'm married to him. It's a completely personal thing, it's my issue, it's my past and I have the right to share it with whoever I choose to,or not choose to. It doesn't mean I don't love him because I haven't. It doesn't mean I don't want to be close to him,it doesn't mean anything at all other than I chose not to tell him all the details.

Some things(actually many things) I have never told anyone except my therapist when I was in trauma therapy. It took years for me to get the courage to do so.Some things I have told my husband and nobody else. Some things I have told other people or shared online and haven't told him. It's what I have chosen to do for myself and unless someone has been through it I guess they can't understand the logic behind those choices.

The best thing you can do for your girlfriend is just respect her choices. Don't make it about you because it's really not about you at all. Don't ever pressure her into disclosing or make her feel like she's doing something wrong by not sharing with you.

Unless you want to push her away.
thank you so much for your reply it’s been really helpful talking with you. I know none of this is about me and I would never pressure her into telling me or anything, I don’t bring the subject up unless she does and she’s comfortable with it. I know this is all about her and I’m very much led by her and what she wants. I just wanted to write a post and understand more about her and what she’s going through and may be thinking so that I can support her and be a better girlfriend. Thank you for everything.
 
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