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Please help me understand what is going on

K

KiwiVee

New member
Joined
Oct 1, 2018
Messages
4
Hi all, I am new to this forum. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder but this post/ask for advice is not about me...

My boyfriend apparently suffers from pretty severe depression. We’ve been together for about 8 months and I knew he saw a therapist and had some self esteems issues (humor is very self deprecating, never feels like he is accomplishing enough or worthy of praise/respect) and would get bummed out here and there but about a week ago, he completely “broke” and retreated into himself. He has isolated himself for an entire week, has gone from speaking to me everyday and spending weekends with me to texting me twice in a week.

He told me he is trying to figure things out and is sorry he is being so “weird” and “quiet”. I told him I understand (but honestly I’m at a loss) and that he needs to take all the time to figure out how he can feel better.

I don’t honestly know what to do or what to feel. I’m not too familiar with depression as anxiety was always what I dealt with...is this a typical routine a depressed person would fall into? Could they be fine for months and just break like this? What would a person going through this need from their partner? How do I keep myself OK while he is going through this?

Thanks for all your help
 
D

Dulcie

Guest
My advice is you get your boyfriend to make an appointment with his doctor, and then you accompany him to ascertain from his doctor what actually he is suffering from.
 
K

KiwiVee

New member
Joined
Oct 1, 2018
Messages
4
Thanks Dulcie! I was thinking about that but wasn’t sure if I would be allowed in there with him, with the patient privacy laws and everything
 
D

Dulcie

Guest
Thanks Dulcie! I was thinking about that but wasn’t sure if I would be allowed in there with him, with the patient privacy laws and everything
Explain at the doctor's surgery that your boyfriend would feel more comfortable sat with you, and also you're wanting to understand his condition, so to be able to help him through it. That shows a lot of love and dedication.

It would be a hard hearted doctor to refuse you.

Edited to add: tell your boyfriend to allow you to accompany him. His giving consent enables a doctor to permit you.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Cazcat

Cazcat

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Messages
2,423
Thanks Dulcie! I was thinking about that but wasn’t sure if I would be allowed in there with him, with the patient privacy laws and everything
If he is happy for you to attend the appointment the Dr will be fine, you need to discuss this with your boyfriend first though. If he doesn't want you in the appointment, you can call his GP to explain your concerns before the appointment. The GP can not give you any information but can and should listen to your concerns and take them into consideration.

I support my husband who suffers with episodes of psychosis and depression and also have experience of anxiety and depression myself. The important things to remember is that it's not personal if he doesn't want to spend time with you or go out to do things, and you can't fix this by yourself. I think that it important for him to know that you care and are there for him if he needs you, without putting pressure on him either. Normality and routine are reassuring and things like cooking him a meal or doing some cleaning if he isn't able to keep on top of that.

Yes it is very possible to be OK for long periods and it is often one tiny innocuous seeming thing that is the final straw. For me the final straw last time was the dentist telling me I needed a filling! Although I had been under a huge ammoun t of stress for a long time leading up to this point and thought that I was OK.

Some of the things my husband did which helped me were encouraging me to go out for a walk or drive with him to get me out the house, coming to the supermarket with me when I was too anxious to go alone and ringing me at lunch time to gently encourage me to get out of bed and do something pleasant for myself such as having a shower, or going to the gym. The best thing to do is to ask your boyfriend what he things he would find helpful.
 
K

KiwiVee

New member
Joined
Oct 1, 2018
Messages
4
Thank you Cazcat! I appreciate your input. The thing that makes this extra difficult is that we do not live together and we live about 30 minutes away. The last time I saw him in person was the 15th of September. We were in contact daily like usual after that until the 21st, he started responding much shorter and much more spaced out. I didn’t pry because I figured maybe he was busy at work or tired.

Then he comes out and says “I’m sorry I’m being distant and weird” I responded and said that “i’m here for you and that we can talk about whatever is bothering him and that i’ll be there for him” and he said “I don’t even know where to begin” so I said “It’s okay I wanted to give you the time and space you needed. You don’t have to do or say anything right now, lets just get you through the rest of this week” and I sent him a picture of a smiling goat so he responded that he liked the picture and said “I just want you to know none of this has anything to do with you. I know I need to get myself straighten out“ so I said “I understand. It will be okay. You’ll figure it out, you’ll get through this. We’ll be alright.
Don’t worry about me right now, you gotta focus on you. You have my support 100%” and that was the last time we texted, that was last weds.

I’m trying so hard to keep it together but my mind is running a mile a minute. I don’t know if I should reach out and check on him or if I should just continue to give him space, I just feel so helpless and ive been trying so hard to be strong -today I broke down after work and just cried and cried. I want to do the right thing for us but I don’t know what that is :(
 
D

Dulcie

Guest
Thank you Cazcat! I appreciate your input. The thing that makes this extra difficult is that we do not live together and we live about 30 minutes away. The last time I saw him in person was the 15th of September. We were in contact daily like usual after that until the 21st, he started responding much shorter and much more spaced out. I didn’t pry because I figured maybe he was busy at work or tired.

Then he comes out and says “I’m sorry I’m being distant and weird” I responded and said that “i’m here for you and that we can talk about whatever is bothering him and that i’ll be there for him” and he said “I don’t even know where to begin” so I said “It’s okay I wanted to give you the time and space you needed. You don’t have to do or say anything right now, lets just get you through the rest of this week” and I sent him a picture of a smiling goat so he responded that he liked the picture and said “I just want you to know none of this has anything to do with you. I know I need to get myself straighten out“ so I said “I understand. It will be okay. You’ll figure it out, you’ll get through this. We’ll be alright.
Don’t worry about me right now, you gotta focus on you. You have my support 100%” and that was the last time we texted, that was last weds.

I’m trying so hard to keep it together but my mind is running a mile a minute. I don’t know if I should reach out and check on him or if I should just continue to give him space, I just feel so helpless and ive been trying so hard to be strong -today I broke down after work and just cried and cried. I want to do the right thing for us but I don’t know what that is :(
You have done admirably well to help your boyfriend, giving him time and space to think things over and, been patient with him. I don't think there is anything else you need do, but this weekend you might like to visit him and ask if there is anything else, though he might say there isn't. In which case, I think it would be fair on you to question where he thinks your relationship is heading because if he loves you, then surely he would want to spend quality time being with you. You owe it to yourself to be happy, but being left wondering which you have every right to, your boyfriend is not being helpful.

You are not being distant neither weird. You have had only your boyfriend's best interest, and that is not in any way selfish. But sometimes we need to take a different view and question where are we going in this relationship? That is what I'd be doing though I quite understand your anxiety of being rejected. Still, there is only so much you can take, so I feel that perhaps you should take some time off from him and start doing more self-care which you are thoroughly deserving of.

I had an unhappy relationship with someone though it was non-sexual. We got on together very well and I helped her a lot, going out of my way to commute to spend weekends building her up - only to be pushed away. So I decided to end our friendship to spend more time looking after not only myself, but also my daughter, now 11 year's old and needing me more and more these days. I'm 24 and Peggy is the best thing that ever happened to me. :)

Talk to your boyfriend, ask him where your relationship is going. You may have to break it off if you feel he is unfairly using you, but if you love him so much, to love and to leave would be the most kindest gesture of all though it will take courage.

Do please private message me if you need. Privately we can talk some more and I'd be only too happy to do this.

Best wishes,
Dulcie
 
K

KiwiVee

New member
Joined
Oct 1, 2018
Messages
4
Thank you so much for being so kind Dulcie. You are wonderful and compassionate, your lovely daughter is lucky to have you!! <3

I am sorry it took me so long to reply. I have been running very low on energy and emotion the last few days. I went from being very sad and concerned to feeling more resentful and i know thats unfair since he doesn't have a choice on being depressed, I just feel like I have to swallow all my problems and concerns until he is "better" and it starting to wear me down.

Up until this situation, he was a very supportive partner, towing the line for me when I needed him too and providing me the support and love I needed when I was feeling low and also being excited and happy for me when things were great. I know that person is still inside him, and i know he still loves and cares for me but this particular depression episode has him by the throat. He's still being very withdrawn and is isolating from everyone, except his work and his therapist. He has told me in our limited communication that he has started seeing his therapist twice a week now in an effort to find coping skills when this depression takes over.

We both have the same end game in mind. We both want to get married and have children and be healthy. I know he is trying to fight this and return to normal, I just feel impatient and resentful and that makes me feel like a cruel person but my needs are on the shelf right now and I guess im scared how long. Maybe I should seek out my own counseling, maybe so I can find coping skills to deal with situations like this.

Anyways, i thank you again for all your kindness and you are also welcome to private message me if you'd like. :flowers:
 
D

Dulcie

Guest
Thank you so much for being so kind Dulcie. You are wonderful and compassionate, your lovely daughter is lucky to have you!! <3

I am sorry it took me so long to reply. I have been running very low on energy and emotion the last few days. I went from being very sad and concerned to feeling more resentful and i know thats unfair since he doesn't have a choice on being depressed, I just feel like I have to swallow all my problems and concerns until he is "better" and it starting to wear me down.

Up until this situation, he was a very supportive partner, towing the line for me when I needed him too and providing me the support and love I needed when I was feeling low and also being excited and happy for me when things were great. I know that person is still inside him, and i know he still loves and cares for me but this particular depression episode has him by the throat. He's still being very withdrawn and is isolating from everyone, except his work and his therapist. He has told me in our limited communication that he has started seeing his therapist twice a week now in an effort to find coping skills when this depression takes over.

We both have the same end game in mind. We both want to get married and have children and be healthy. I know he is trying to fight this and return to normal, I just feel impatient and resentful and that makes me feel like a cruel person but my needs are on the shelf right now and I guess im scared how long. Maybe I should seek out my own counseling, maybe so I can find coping skills to deal with situations like this.

Anyways, i thank you again for all your kindness and you are also welcome to private message me if you'd like. :flowers:
Thank you, I may do that but another day because it's late now (12:25 AM) and I've had a long day designing some pieces of jewellery to finish for a client. Feel welcome to friend me if you like. :)
 
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