G
GuiltyandConfused
Member
Hello.
I am new here and have been in therapy for only 5 months but have not received a diagnosis (yet). I started seeing my psychiatrist after my marriage began going down south. Long story short, my husband found out that I had been messaging a guy I used to work with. I honestly was just flirting with the guy a bit but never considered it as an affair, but my husband said that it was an emotional affair. Things took a turn for the worst when all the past issues he has had with me were brought to light. How I never made an effort to bond with his family in our 16 years of marriage, how I managed to ignore our kids by retreating to our room to watch Netflix for hours, how I was distant with him during the times that he suffered consecutive losses of family members, how I have been literally pushing him away whenever he initiates intimacy, and so on and so forth. I’ve toldhim that I’ve been feeling empty for a very long time, and that I had been unconsciously pushing people away not because I wanted them gone from my life but because I didn’t know how to make myself feel better and was literally doing everything I can think of to make the empty feeling go away. I’ve always known that I’ve had very low self esteem since I was young, and in therapy I’ve found out that my feelings of emptiness and emotional detachment were somehow due to my inconsistent upbringing (raised by grandparents wherein grandma treated us as a source of income more than a relative, physically absent parents since I was five, basically raised my younger sister myself since that age as well). My husband agrees that I may be suffering from emotional problems but can’t rationalize why I couldn’t make an effort to bond with his family and why I have been pushing him and our kids away. I don’t know what else to say to him. He keeps insisting that I never loved him which is the main reason why I hated his family and why I was distancing myself from everyone else. I don’t know what else to say to him other than I don’t really have a handle on my own emotions, and that there are certain periods in my life that I don’t feel any sort of emotions at all. While he was grieving I basically just let him be because I didn’t know how I was supposed to act around him or what I was supposed to say. I retreated to watch shows because I just was so emotionally drained at times that all I wanted to do was to escape. I flirted with that former workmate because the attention he gave me made me feel good about myself and that was that. And the worsT part of this is that I never felt guilty of my flirting because it never even occurred to me that what I was doing was inappropriate for a married woman!
I’ve also always had this feeling that my husband as well as my own parents never really loved me. I don’t know why I feel this, but no matter how much they all try to show me and tell me that they do I just can’t make myself trust in what they are saying. I mostly feel like the people around me are just there because they have to and not because they want to be with me. I also don’t know who I really am. I build relationships mostly by copying other peoples’ attitudes in order to make them like me. And the sickest part of this is that once I build a friendship with them and adapt their attitude, I make it a point to be the “best” among them. Say my current group of friends enjoy gossiping. What I would do is become the best gossip monger in that group! I also engage in endless negative thoughts about anything and everything.
I am so sick of myself, honestly. I feel like a terrible person.
I don’t know what I have. My doctor mentioned once that I show symptoms of general anxiety disorder but I am not sure if that’s the only thing I have. I’ve done some research and think that I may have some sort of personality disorder. I just feel so confused and alone and a terrible person who doesn’t deserve love.
I am new here and have been in therapy for only 5 months but have not received a diagnosis (yet). I started seeing my psychiatrist after my marriage began going down south. Long story short, my husband found out that I had been messaging a guy I used to work with. I honestly was just flirting with the guy a bit but never considered it as an affair, but my husband said that it was an emotional affair. Things took a turn for the worst when all the past issues he has had with me were brought to light. How I never made an effort to bond with his family in our 16 years of marriage, how I managed to ignore our kids by retreating to our room to watch Netflix for hours, how I was distant with him during the times that he suffered consecutive losses of family members, how I have been literally pushing him away whenever he initiates intimacy, and so on and so forth. I’ve toldhim that I’ve been feeling empty for a very long time, and that I had been unconsciously pushing people away not because I wanted them gone from my life but because I didn’t know how to make myself feel better and was literally doing everything I can think of to make the empty feeling go away. I’ve always known that I’ve had very low self esteem since I was young, and in therapy I’ve found out that my feelings of emptiness and emotional detachment were somehow due to my inconsistent upbringing (raised by grandparents wherein grandma treated us as a source of income more than a relative, physically absent parents since I was five, basically raised my younger sister myself since that age as well). My husband agrees that I may be suffering from emotional problems but can’t rationalize why I couldn’t make an effort to bond with his family and why I have been pushing him and our kids away. I don’t know what else to say to him. He keeps insisting that I never loved him which is the main reason why I hated his family and why I was distancing myself from everyone else. I don’t know what else to say to him other than I don’t really have a handle on my own emotions, and that there are certain periods in my life that I don’t feel any sort of emotions at all. While he was grieving I basically just let him be because I didn’t know how I was supposed to act around him or what I was supposed to say. I retreated to watch shows because I just was so emotionally drained at times that all I wanted to do was to escape. I flirted with that former workmate because the attention he gave me made me feel good about myself and that was that. And the worsT part of this is that I never felt guilty of my flirting because it never even occurred to me that what I was doing was inappropriate for a married woman!
I’ve also always had this feeling that my husband as well as my own parents never really loved me. I don’t know why I feel this, but no matter how much they all try to show me and tell me that they do I just can’t make myself trust in what they are saying. I mostly feel like the people around me are just there because they have to and not because they want to be with me. I also don’t know who I really am. I build relationships mostly by copying other peoples’ attitudes in order to make them like me. And the sickest part of this is that once I build a friendship with them and adapt their attitude, I make it a point to be the “best” among them. Say my current group of friends enjoy gossiping. What I would do is become the best gossip monger in that group! I also engage in endless negative thoughts about anything and everything.
I am so sick of myself, honestly. I feel like a terrible person.
I don’t know what I have. My doctor mentioned once that I show symptoms of general anxiety disorder but I am not sure if that’s the only thing I have. I’ve done some research and think that I may have some sort of personality disorder. I just feel so confused and alone and a terrible person who doesn’t deserve love.
to the forum.
