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Please help me, I reached breaking point again. (VERY LONG TW:ANXIETY, SUICIDE, DPD)

L

Lightt

New member
Joined
Jul 12, 2020
Messages
1
Location
Portugal
Hello everyone, I'm new here and I'd like to start off by saying thank you for letting me be a part of the forum and thank you in advance for reading my story..


In late April of this year I had a panic attack out of nowhere for the first time in my life. I don't know why it happened but it was the start of something that has not yet left me alone till today. The day after that I started having horrible horrible thoughts that I didn't love my boyfriend anymore. For context, my boyfriend is the most Important person in the world to me, before this whole COVID thing came along we were cautiously planning a wedding. I love him more than anyone and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. So then all of a sudden having thoughts that I didn't love him anymore was so so horrible I nearly broke down. Cried all day long, felt weird when I was around me even though he had done nothing wrong and kept supporting me even after I told him about it. When I did tell him he was so calm and after asking me a few questions he explained that what I was describing sounds like OCD, and he knows so because he has OCD. He always supported me and never judged me because he said he knew that wasn't me talking it was the anxiety and my response to intrusive thoughts.


After a few weeks that passed completely, I once again felt all emotion fully towards my boyfriend, felt all the wonderful things I had always felt for him and I just told myself off for ever having doubted I loved him and tried to move on.


For a few days I was completely okay but then, once again out of nowhere I had a thought that maybe, I didn't love my mum anymore. Once again, having such horrible thoughts about not loving someone you actually love very very deeply is awful and I felt all the same things I felt towards my boyfriend and I avoided her and in general I felt like I was down in the dumps, it was awful. Then came the insomnia. Out of 7 days in a week, I would sleep for maybe 2 at most. The other days I would just stay awake. No matter how tired I was I simply could not fall asleep for whatever reason. My boyfriend was there for me once again kept giving me advice and letting me know how I should proceed and eventually, once again those thoughts and doubts cleared up. The insomnia was still there.


It got to a point where it started being too much and I went to see a doctor in the ER who percribed me with benzos. They did pretty much nothing. The thoughts would still rage inside my head, I still had tightness in my chest and pounding heartbeat pretty much all day everyday and I still could hardly ever sleep.


At this point my thoughts had changed to being sexual in nature. I was always a very reserved person about my sexuality. I don't like to talk about it openly to anyone but my boyfriend and I don't really like hearing other people talking about it either. My boyfriend was my first and only sexual partner and the only person I'd trust my body with. But at this point my thoughts were sexual in nature, I would randomly look at someone on the street and imagine things about them like them having sex or whatever. I wouldn't imagine them having sex with me or think that I wanted to have sex with them it was just imagining something like that in general. It of course deeply upset me because I wasn't one to ever have those thoughts and I didn't want to have them (like I didn't want any of the other thoughts I mentioned) and they caused very much anxiety.


So I went to my GP and told her vaguely about things again and she said it looked like depression and prescribed me sertraline and a pill to help me sleep that I can't remember the name of. I was told that the sertraline would take about a month to have an effect and the sleeping pill would maybe take a few days to a week. After a few days the sleeping pills did work and it's been a month plus a few weeks since I've been taking them and I have slept well through the night every night except for 2 occasions.


While I was waiting for the sertraline to take effect I started getting anxious again and this time it was because I didn't feel like myself. I was so tired from all this mental strain being in such a bad situation for so long that I didn't feel like myself anymore, I felt as though I had changed completely because I didn't do any of the things I had always liked doing. I didn't feel like doing any of those things like watching videos on YouTube or Netflix or drawing or illustrations I just hovered around doing nothing waiting for the days to pass and I was so so afraid I'd stay like this forever and completely lose who I was before.


Then the sertraline started talking effect. I felt better. My mood had lifted. I felt like myself again, I wanted to do things again, I enjoyed going to work again. I could be myself and just talk normally to people around me about things other than just my problems. I could go out and have a good time with my boyfriend. It was great. I still had thoughts and feelings on the back of my mind but I tried keeping them quiet, I tried to push them down and go about with my day and they still bothered me and I still would feel my heart beating quickly especially at night but it was much better feeling like this than like before. And then there were days where I felt completely fine like before this whole thing started, I felt at peace I felt like myself and was living life fully again. I enjoyed doing things again, I enjoyed going shopping again, planning events, going to family events, and I felt wonderful at least compared to before


And then about a week ago it seemed like it came back in full force... I started having a sensation I don't really know how to describe but like it was weird to hear my own voice, weird to look at myself and look at my arms moving, weird acknowledging that I'm here and I'm human and I'm myself... It's really hard to explain and I hope I'm not going absolutely crazy but it's causing so much pain... Btw, I have never taken any drugs of any kind besides the ones medically percribed to me and I have never drank alcohol since I started my medication. When this happens and I really give into it and acknowledge it its awful.. I feel trapped in my own body, there are so many weird things happening that I don't know how to describe them. I cry and I get super super anxious like before and I.. I get scared I'm losing my mind and I'll never recover, I'm afraid I'll live like this forever and then I'm scared I'll do something really bad to myself... I'm so confused that I don't even know if I even want to do it or if it's a fear or an intrusive thought again but it's awful, terrible and I don't know why it started but I feel like it's worse than ever. Eventually I manage to snap out of the really strong anxiety and I can function but it is still there in the back of my mind this sensation. It only goes away completely for a few minutes at a time when I'm distracted with something or having fun with my boyfriend but it always comes to the back of my mind again. I'm so scared this will be permanent, I'm so scared to even think about what this could be. Am I losing my mind? Do I have a serious mental disease? I'm scared, so scared and I just want to go back to normal, I want this all to go away so so much and I've been asking for it since April but something always comes back and hurts me and this time it's so so bad.


What is this I'm experiencing? Is there any thing I can do, will I be better? Is this permanent? Is it GAD, OCD, depression, what is it??


I've been taking the sertraline for a month and 3 days now. I was told that it could take 4 to 6 weeks for it to take effect. Is it possible that during all this time when I felt better I did it on my own and the sertraline didn't have any influence and it's just now kicking it and having adverse effects instead of helping me? Please help me I'm really desperate and I think it's serious this time. I'm sorry for the huge wall of text.


Many hugs.
 
R

Resolution

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 21, 2019
Messages
189
Location
West Midlands
I had to do this today phone the mental health crisis team phone 111 and they will give you number and you can get some support 😇😇
 
L

LokiPokey75

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
584
Location
United States
Hi Lightt!

It sounds to me, much like what your boyfriend said, that you have OCD. I have it too and your symptoms sound very similar. If you want to have a better idea of what OCD is and see if you might have it, this is a great book to try:

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OCD is scary. You think you know yourself and then thoughts appear that scare you, forcing you to reconsider who you are. The thoughts about loving your boyfriend and your mother, then seeing them shift, are normal. I've had very frightening thoughts about my own parents. At one time, I feared I wanted to hurt my mother to be with my father, as Freud would say, an Electra complex. Believe me, it was not a happy time.

I've never taken medication so I can't offer you any advice there. However, I know from experience that what you're feeling stems from an inability to control your thoughts. Take some time to get to know yourself because I think there are some fears getting in the way of feeling in control. What scares you the most? What would happen if you didn't love your boyfriend? Your mother? How would you handle the consequences? Imagining that worst-case scenario will really help you deal with the issues plaguing your thoughts.

These feelings will likely always be there, but if you tackle them now, they can lessen in intensity to the point that they won't bother you anymore. You can learn how to stay present in the moment. But it takes identifying your fears, detaching those fears, and moving past them in order to attain inner peace. I've worked three years trying to gain equilibrium. It is not an easy task, but with time and support, you can do it! I believe in you.

Consider getting some therapy as well because it's hard to do this alone. I have a kind therapist and it's been great being able to vent my frustrations to her and get to the core of my feelings.

I wish you the best, Lightt! You seem to have a really great boyfriend. I'm sure your mom loves you and will support your getting better. I hope that you understand that you are completely normal, these thoughts are neutral (not bad), and that you have the power to get through this.

Good luck and stay safe!
 
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