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Please help me find the answers my doctor won't...

SapphireFaerie

SapphireFaerie

New member
Joined
Mar 10, 2019
Messages
1
Location
London
Hey, I just wanna say first of all that I don't want to self diagnose myself but it's gotten to a point with doctors that I have the choice of doing nothing or looking into it myself a bit more. I do plan on finding another doctor but I've tried so many.

So I'm always slightly dissociated but sometimes (quite often) it gets really strong. An example of this is I'll be mid sentence talking to someone when it hits, and first I forget what I'm saying, I start trying to grab the details which are still there, but then those details go and I completely forget what I'm talking about, then who I am, sometimes where I am. Then I come out of it and everything feels different. It's like I start perceiving the world differently and it makes me speak differently, hold myself different because everything just feels different. Sometimes I won't remember what I was saying at all, sometimes it comes back slowly or I get bits of it. This is how it is sometimes.

Other times it's different. It tends to last a lot longer and I don't forget everything really quickly. My head feels weird. It's like how when you're really stressed out and it feels like looaaaads is going on in your head. But all of that movement in your head has condensed into one thing and is pushing forward (I really hope this makes sense). It's not really a headache, just a very uncomfortable feeling that makes me dissociate, but when it passes it almost always leaves me with a headache. When this is going on I am very prone to snapping at the slightest thing and taking it out on those around me.

I have an awful memory too. All the days blur together and my days are often like they're split into sections. When I'm at work, I remember a lot about when I've been at work on other days, when I'm at home I remember a lot about when I've been at home on other days, and when I watch my TV show in bed in the evening I remember a lot about when I've been in bed watching TV on other days. When I'm not in each situation it's not like my memory is blank of the other situations, just very foggy. For example, I can't remember ANYTHING about what is going on in The Umbrella Academy which is what I'm watching at the moment, but I will likely remember everything later.

There are two things I keep thinking about. One is BPD, because of how I can snap at almost nothing and I take it out on those around me. I can also seem to have all of the symptoms. However recently I've been thinking about OSDD and this is why:

As long as I can remember I've had "imaginary friends". Of course this is normal as a kid, but mine didn't go away. From the ages 10 or so to about 13 I played this game with my friends where we were all characters from Harry Potter. This was always so much more real to me than it was to them because for me the game didn't end when I got home after school. I was always talking to characters in my head, from various books and films, and I still do now though now I'm really not sure who they are anymore. They respond but it's not like I'm hearing voices, it's like another inner voice. When I was younger as soon as I got to my room and was on my own I would close my eyes and play with all these characters in my head. I don't play with them anymore, but I do talk to them. I also don't remember very much from my childhood at all. The memories I do have are more like images than anything else and they aren't many, and I have no idea when they are from.

Is there something I haven't thought of? Whenever I go to a doctor and mention any kind of mental health all they do is offer me antidepressants, which I don't want. I'm not going to stop trying to find a doctor who will listen but I don't have the money to go private. Could it be OSDD? BPD? I really don't know and sometimes I worry that I'm just making it up, but I know I'm not. If that makes sense at all...
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
2,124
Location
USA
Hi there.Sorry for your struggles.I suggest you talk about all of this with a therapist. Psychiatrists like to prescribe meds while therapists like to do talk therapy.It sounds like you need to have your experiences heard and validated rather than medicated.

I'm not gonna even guess what could be going on.Thats for a professional to determine.
 
MeropeneM

MeropeneM

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
207
"I can't remember ANYTHING about what is going on in The Umbrella Academy which is what I'm watching at the moment, but I will likely remember everything later. "

I would pick another reference point because that show is a diarrhea of bad ideas like, I watched that and I couldn't remember anything either I went like, what the fuck did I just watch? I want my 10 hours back! Give me back my life! xD
 
honeybadger

honeybadger

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Mar 6, 2019
Messages
173
Location
US West Coast
Your handheld device will never ever ever be or become a doctor. Good luck.
 
nomask

nomask

Member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
23
Location
USA
I'm unsure if by doctor you mean psychiatrist? I would recommend finding a trauma therapist, they do best with dissociative disorder and BPD. Therapists are the ones who will get to know you and your symptoms best, so in my opinion they are often the best ones to ask. I would present your symptoms rather than concern of specific diagnoses as some professionals become immediately apprehensive to that.
 
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