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Please help me figure out what I'm experiencing..http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/images/smilies/low.png

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susan__

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Please help me figure out what I'm experiencing..http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/images/smilies/low.png

:low:
Hi everyone,
After several months of researching various mental health disorders whose symptoms seemed to overlap with mine and several unsuccessful google searches, I haven't been able to pinpoint what it is that I'm experiencing.
From time to time, my mind seems to want to discard my identity, style of thinking, viewpoint and replace it with that of somebody I know; it creates a perception of the way they think and their thought processes and forces me to follow it...I am always aware when this is happening, but it feels out of my control and I am unable to resist it: my mind refuses to accept that logically, I cannot 'become' them. This 'delusion/change in perception' can last anywhere from a few days to two-three weeks, but my outward mannerisms, voice, movement, etc does not change e.g. only I am aware that this is happening.
Some background: A few years ago, I began to experience severe (general) anxiety over prolonged periods of time (a combination of being ill-equipped to cope with high stress levels and friendship pressures, which generated a lot of uncertainty and self-doubt); this gradually brought on depression ( I didn't realize it at the time.). Tired of crying constantly, overanalyzing everything, and bringing those around me down, I decided that the only way to diminish the pain I was feeling was not to feel anything anymore. After that, I suppressed my emotions and pretended everything was okay, and it became a habit. However, the emptiness ( with which I was content) gave way to a different kind of pain....there's this searing hollowness, and my chest always feels tight, like it's carrying a weight that didn't used to be there before. Telling myself I was worthless every night, I suffered a knock in self-confidence, which I think prevented my identity from evolving...I lost sense of who I was. I forced myself to keep up with schoolwork, but lost the passion and interest I previously held, and distanced myself from friends. I simply didn't care. Fastforward a few months, and panic attacks begin (perhaps a manifestation of the increased stress during exam season?). I found techniques that helped calm me down, and thankfully these have stopped. Every few months, however, I experience the delusions/change in perceptions that I have described in the preceding paragraph, and each time it leaves me a little bit more damaged.

Final thoughts: I have researched derealization and the dissociation involved seems to match my experience...could it emerge from this? Or is it simply the product of constant, intense anxiety? Is my subconscious rejecting my identity? Why have I lost control?

I did see a therapist for a short while, but we didn't seem to connect and I got very little out of the experience.

Any insight/suggestion would be appreciated - thank you :).
 
life2live

life2live

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Nov 9, 2014
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Hi Susan and welcome to the forum. It does sound like you experiencing psychosis at some level but no one here can help diagnose you. All I can do is give you support and share similar experiences. I too suffered anxiety due to stress and it led to psychosis, stress can play nasty tricks on the mind. I would try to remove your self from the stress as it could be feel the underlying cause of what your going through.
 
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